Lived? living?

Amazing when MRI reviewed certain things in my brain ... which makes me feel like I have been carrying a bomb with me for the past 37 years and I am still risking that it will explore anytime... hmm... the thing is, it is better without knowing it than knowing it. OBVIOUSLY! Anyway, looks like it affects me more these few years and that's the cause of everything that went wrong.  Damn!  Well, just like I am born with Thalasemia or G6PD. Well... not that I can wish it away can I? I am waiting for the day to come.  So are you. hahaha.. so, I am no difference than you all.  After all,  besides suffering from it and getting affected by it, I am just like the rest of you who is waiting for the time to come. Well, I am getting more tired each day, I am getting harder and harder to get up each morning and my motivation is 10% out of 100%.  How long will I lives? WHO CARES? hehe... I just need to remember to enjoy every single day as it is my last day. That's all... Everything else are arranged for my sudden departure. So, that's alright.
-Lived? Living? -

Accepting?

Seriously, i don't think i am accepting the fact yet.... the hk series spoke so much of what i am feeling assomeone who is sick. The best was, she has someone to support her. I don't. And i won' t want my mom to suffer even more at this moment. What should i do? No idea... seriously. I am not taking this easily.... i am not.

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Which one is more difficult?

Before seeing doctor for second opinion, I was in denial.  When I was forced to do it (too bad, I was too honest and to straight and fast in my reply to my dr's questions), I was seriously scare.  Was it seeing the neurosurgeon scary? Seriously, he's quite humour but, still, he way he questions me and the way he explained things, he was quite certain the previous neurosurgeon was right and he was right.  But to confirmed, he want me to do another MRI scan.  Haha.. 2 scans in 1 month... even the radiology department's nurses and drs recognised me and didn't me to sign anything or to change, etc.  Was the seeing neurosurgeon, the MRI scan or the seeing the pictures of my brains and nerves that's scares me off the most? hahaha... seriously, it's these few days that's most scarier. Everyday i woke up, first thing I check was, whether I am still alive.  Second, I will check if my head is giving me problem.  Third, I will have to check whether I have painkiller with me.  Which one is harder to cope? Major depression or this? Seriously, major depression, because painkiller can't help.  This will eventually be in the stage where painkiller cannot help too, but until then... I am not so worry about it.

Hmm... seriously, what have been in my mind these few days? Trust me, of course whose whom I love the most. I really miss them a lot.  I can't stop thinking and missing Van, missing Deb... a lot (wonder if I will see them again before I leave)! And it's depressing, seriously.  So, to cope with all these together with depression... ghoosh... it's crazy!  Well, I am seeing my parents tomorrow! Yoohoo!  I am not so worry about miss them because I see them often... ! Apart from that, it's time going around the world to meet those I miss too. Which one is more difficult? Definitely AFTER knowing the result of the MRI.  ARRRGGGGhhhhhhh....!!!!

- Which one is more difficult? -