Heard?

For a year now, people whom have left me asked and expect me to find new friends, but they have forgot that it's impossible because first, i do not want to end up telling my new friends what my old friends did to me.  Secondly, i do not want to end up damaging the church and the people.  Upon hearing so much of 'complains' from me from facebook, my children came to me together, secretly, out of concern, asked me what actually happen.  They confessed that they have tried all sources and yet, none of them manage to find out what happen exactly.  That's how unheard I am.  I have to protect my old friends, I have to protect CCL and the priest, I have to protect my brother, I have to protect the bishop(s), and I am the only one end up feeling hurt myself... for the past year.  No.  I am not saying my old friends are not suffering, I am not saying the church are not, ... but all I am saying is, they shouldn't blame that on me alone now and walked away like they didn't do anything wrong at all.  I am not saying I am blameless.  A friend asked me who has the problem, I told her straight to her face, "I am obviously.  I am sick".  Am I blaming everything to the sickness?  Seriously if you ask me, I do.  Ask around ... and you will find out how 'unusual' i am these days... I woke up everyday wonder where I am.  I woke up everyday wonder what day is today and is there anything i need settle.  I woke up everyday wonder who am I.  Is my father still alive? And for sure, for the first few hours, my memories can be lost by 70%, not knowing even who am I, etc.  

I am expecting more and more loss of memories when time goes by.  There are too many things that happen this year has been forgotten..  worse is, i cannot control my emotions.  Do you realised whenever you act on certain steps, it's your emotions that steps in first?  Well, ... that's exactly what's wrong and difficult for me... because my emotions has failed and therefore, I can assess if my rational is working fine too... 

Who am I?  I have lost myself for a year now.  I don't know exactly who am I? What's my identity, what's my character, what am I good at? All I got from others are 'disconnection', worthlessness, hopelessnes... and "I am sick" and I am always wrong.  

When the bible speaks about who am I, as... to there's only one Pei San, I can tell you.. I can tell God, He is such a failure to create me.  Because I am a loser. And a human can be so 'useless' once his/her mind is not intact anymore.  Friends, job, money, integrity, family... all gone within a minute once they know you are sick.  No one heard my side of the story until today.  Not that anyone want to find out.  All they know and heard of is the other side of the story... which they have deemed correct because the other person who is telling is not sick.  I am. Whatever I say, it will have no weight at all... just because I am sick. The most painful part is that, even the closest person around me see me the same way like everyone else did. 

- Heard? - 

Who are you to judge?

I was told my uncle passed away few days ago and due to the busy schedule, I only visited his family about an hour ago.  A long chat simply because they all know I am closely connected with the Anglican church ... I was asking about how's the funeral service arrangement going.. and my cousin told me the Anglican church has refuse to bury my uncle in their land, simply because he has not been in church for the past 10 years, after his wife passed away.  My first reaction was, where's the church when he was going through such a difficult time for the past 10 years of having needs to raise his own son alone and to bear with the loss, etc?  The second reaction was, when I was informed my uncle was admitted to hospital, I went with my brother and we knew Rev Yong together with a few pastors were on the way to pray for him, etc.  That's because for the past 1 1/2 years, he wasn't able to walk and so, he didn't go back to the church physically, but he asked the church to deliver him holy communion by home visitation every single week.  If he is not in a position to be entitle for a ground in the cemetery, who is, I wonder.  Has the church thought they are God now to judge? I mean, if he didn't repent and come back to the Lord by asking the church for holy communion, ... what was that he asked for? 

Of course I explained to the family that there were people taking the church for granted and that's why we need a 'check list'.  But when my cousin told me the priest at the Basel church agreed to help in the event the Anglican refuse to conduct the service, I was a bit pissed off.  What the hell is this? Yes, we know the soul is what we take serious of, but ... can't we be a little compassionate for the lost of a father to this cousin of mine? Where's the compassion that Jesus shown us? I remember reading all the 4 gospel which stressed on very much on the compassion of Jesus... and being filled by compassion, Jesus did certain things for the people... who are we really, ... because he was not being loved by many in the church and the society and that's why he is not entitle for a bury ground?  

So, because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident was entitled to had her funeral service in the church because she was baptised in the anglican church in England? If a certificate is sufficient, my dear uncle also has such a certificate to shown.  Or because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident had a father who is famous and rich and that's why he is entitle for a bury ground and not my uncle?  Or because his son is attending Glory Christian Centre and therefore he is not entitle a bury ground? i don't understand this.  

But who am I to judge right? Well, at least I am not judging them by who they are.  I still went and pay my last respect, even though we all doesn't like this uncle and his family a lot.  So what? Aren't we sinner too? Damn!

- Who are you to judge? - 

Hard

It's so hard.  When my mood was very down, all my workers/clerks got scolded.  Now, they can't stand my impatience... hahaha... sometimes that's what happen... we can never get what we want EXACTLY.  If you work under a boss, that's what you are subject yourself to.. to follow his/her pace of works... I can in one day finished 5 cases' drafting and being impatience with them not finishing their works and I ended up get their works done in minutes too.  I am also not very sure who is in a harder position to cope with whom... anyway... it's hard! 

- Hard -