Parties...

Many times, in an argument.... we will keep fighting and fighting and argue and argue without 'listening' well to others what exactly they meant when they put certain words out.  i.e.  a child keep telling her mom that he doesn't like her dad's mother (grandma).  No one take that remark seriously.. because he is just a child.  Not until things happen and we started to blame each other for not paying enough attention to the child.  We assume responsibility be taken care of for both dad and mom, but... apparently, that's not true.  Sometimes or most of the time, one party will not take it seriously and in worse scenario, both parties or all parties listened but not heard what the child is telling them.  

For the past 1 year, that's exactly what I feel like.  That everyone just busy with their own works and other things and neglected wholly of what I was saying and/or trying to tell.  When things gone wrong, all the parties blaming each other and they even blamed me for not telling them or doing my part to do more.  Well, I have tried enough to seek attention from others.  Signals were given to many that "I am tired".  Did anyone remember when was the first time I mentioned that and did any heard what I was trying tell you? When thing goes wrong, they all blamed me saying my focus on God is not align.  Not only they blamed it on me, they blamed in on God.  

I remember I was quite upset when Caroline told me after 2 months of helping me to take care of the cell group that, "you must not rest for too long.  this responsibility is yours and you need to take it up".  Without knowing whether I can or not? She didn't hear what I told her.  "I am tired" and "I can't do it anymore".  

Debbie always found me dead when I returned from Tawau and besides asking me why and trying to listens, all she did was to scold me as if it help.... Vanessa? Ever since she found her group of friends, she has left for a long long time.  I can't remember when was the last time I told or share with her of what's bothering me.  Generally.... there's signals given but everyone just so happy and busy with their own life and neglected me.  

My friend described that even looking for me and share with me, her heart is still pain and can't get through.  I totally understand that feeling.... yes, not until the PARTIES or one of the party who is willing to sit down, listens and support and encourage you, it's just so hard not to feel upset and depressed.  It's like completely no support and completely like under the water, drowning.... 

I guess to them, it's a waste of time to just hear me out for 1 hour.  For a year plus now, 1 hour gathering with me or see how am I doing is ... waste of time. They have other things to busy with.  So yes... even though lives move on.... I will forever remember in my life that during the most difficult time in my life, everyone left me to deal with it alone and there's no support given at all from them and the church.  

Out of control or In the hand of God?

There are many times, we thought we can handle certain things in our life and that once it falls within what we expect, we are telling ourselves that God blessed us and/or it is everything in order.  There are however, many times in life, when things not happen in accordance to our wish and/or expectation, we started to blame God and to think it's our of our hand and that God is the one who control over things.. and we started to push everything back to God.  

Is our life belong to God? This year has been a very challenging year for me.  God has taken everything away from me... at first, but He has somehow restored it all with double portion to me when things started to fall apart.  By looking at what had happen and what is still happening, I do not know whether I should consider things is out of hand/control or that He has planned it all and blessed me.  It is the first time, I realised, work/income is so tiny of a thing in my life.  For 6 months of not working, I am not only alive without adjudicate bankrupt, but I have received more than what I never imagine I would have.  My friend told me my God is not fair.  She needs to work day in day out to feed her family, her workers, and yet me... I have rested at least 6 months.  I don't think anyone can have that 'luxury' of not working for 6 months and still survive... in additional to that, after the 6 months, I was given a firm, many more incomes, a condominium, etc. etc. 

I am now confused.  By not attending church, left all these people who hurt me, it seems like, that's how much I get more closer to God.  My eldest and respected cousin sister told me "stay away from all the people who dragged me down and stay away from negative people".  It's hard to consider that they are in those category.. but, somehow when I managed to, God shows me and told me that, "all i have done previously was for Him".  So if anyone who goes against me, they were against God.  For 6 years, I did so much for the Lord, no one recognised and acknowledged my efforts done.... not a word of 'thank you'.  That's all right... God has stepped in now and pat on my shoulder and tell me "you are my good and faithful servant.  I appreciated what you did for Me and your work has finished".  

Just when I think everything is out of control, I then realised, everything falls in His hand... 

-Out of control or in the hand of God? - 

Why?

I am at the age where most of my friends have already married for years and with children, etc.... and that's because i am single, i have somehow become their 'target' of sharing. Almost everyone i met any/or i received call from these days, are those who just wanna find some 'outlet' to share about their problem as a wife, as a daughter in law. Some, for the first time after 14 years of marriage, has finally cannot stand the hurts their spouse did and wanted to give up the marriage.  Some, complain some characteristic of their spouse that they cannot accept, some, complain that their spouse is no longer sexy and too fat, some complain their spouse refuse to have sex with them, some complain their spouse doesn't care much about their children or their family members, some, complain their spouse didn't care about them more than their spouse's siblings, some complain their spouse did not help them with housework or taking care or teaching their children, some even regret marrying their spouse, etc etc... the worse is, after some of their children who has grown up, one of them think their responsibility for their spouse is over and they look for other partnerjust to fulfill their lust.  Just when i thought these kind of things only happen to those who has married for years, to my horror, i found out a friend who just got married 2 years ago has suffer from the result of marriage and all he told me when he knows i went for mission trip and all was, he regret marrying and he kids.  He wish he is single.

I have also encounter people who tells me they can't wait to get married. Those, who think only by marrying, their life is complete.  I hav always been in this category. Twice i was at the stage of getting married and twice, i wasn't able to do it. I called both times, my problem. I guess i just have difficulties to commit and i just think nothing, no one will last. And if my love one and spouse fall sick and i have to take up all the responsibility and to take care of him, i won't be able totake it.  Losing friends already gave me so strong of an impact in life, and what more if i am losing my love one?

But i cannot understand those who has taken up the responsibility and only relised all these foreseeable certainty that set in to their life now. If they have agreed to get married, why make such a big issue now, after so many years of marriage? No one force them to married. They choose it themselves and now they regret? As if, their have a choice now because this world now allow married people to escape from their vow and divorce only by costing them a few thousands?

I don't get it.... why people getting married for these days... for lust? For temperory satisfaction and pride? Where is the love that says, it can cover all sins and imperfection?

-why?-

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