Fear?

If I didn't move to another place yesterday with friends, I wouldn't have realised how fearful I was before this. Friends had the opinion that I hide myself at home so badly for the past few months. First, she discovered that I have stored up many can foods, many rice, many other things at home ... After that, we discovered food in my room... then, we discovered a stick and a hammer next to my bed and she looked at me and said: "I think you were in a terrible fear before this, did you?" Seriously.... why is there a hammer next to my bed again? Was I at life threatening situation that's really that bad? May be I was huh? I know that fear I had.... surpasses everything else... even to risk my dad's health and life.

The worse thing is not the past... the worse is, I am still suffering from it. The gym room is just 5 minutes away from where I am ... and I am feeling the fear to even go to the gym room. Worse still, I wanted so much to go to church this morning... but the fear took over... fear to meet people, fear to get in touch with people....

I guess, I am seriously.... in fear, don't you think? Trust me, I hate this more than anyone else, but at the same time.... I have failed so far to overcome it... may be, just may be... i need someone to help me with this at the moment. Well... there's no one...

-Fear? -

Ridiculous!

1. Some people keep telling me they care and love me but yet, they have left me alone, ceased communication with me, etc. I wonder what do they mean by telling me that they care. It's ridiculous.

2. Today is the 4th time I was asked which church I am attending these days. Instead of loving and caring for their church member, they have disowned me and now, push that blame on me saying, I have left the church myself. Did I? All I know is when I needed the church and friends the most, I was left alone completely. I wonder if anyone understand the feeling of being rejected and disowned completely. Not only they didn't give help and encouragement, I was and still being left alone to handle things alone. Shall I believe that this is what church and friends are for? Why do i need them now? This is so ridiculous ...

3. I lives more comfortable and closer to God without church because I fianlly get myself out from all the hypocrites. This is ridiculous. Didn't God says we have to have fellowship in order for us to be closer to Him? I don't get that at all.... This is ridiculous.

4. I was at a country where I was told they needed the Lord desperately years ago. When I got there, I met people who has more passion for Christ then myself. And the most ridiculous thing is, the eldest told me I should be a blessed one because both my father and my brother are a priest. Holy Spirit shall be overflowing in me. Ridiculously.... I fall down completely because of priest, spiritual leader... and what they did to me.

5. I have a missionary physical body but I don't have the missionary mind and heart. My body and myself adapted very well in all sorts of circumstances. However, I don't have compassion towards the sick, the widows and the orphants. I think they deserve it because they failed to do something about it at first. I am particularly ridiculous in my heart...

6. I have love and care for my friends for years and at the time when I needed them the most, they have left me alone all by myself and even if I am dead tonight, they won't care about me. It is so ridiculous when someone whom I have not contacted from the past 12 years came and look for me and told me he loves me and he wants me to marry him. This is ridiculous....

7. I have to beg my office boy to help me with works. I have to bargain with him. This is ridiculous...

8. Ever since I was born, I am like my dad who loves others more than people around us. We lives for others. Somehow.... that love, that passion to love.... is gone... and dead. This is ridiculous. Why should I love others and hurt myself at the end?

9. I have gained everything except friends and church in a month after losing everything for 6 months.. this is ridiculous...

10. Instead of afraid that i am depressed, my dr seems to afraid that I get too active instead. haha... Ridiculous!

- Ridiculous! -

Reborn!

After a few weeks of preparing, to die to be made whole... I finally landed at a place where I never think I will have chance to return anymore. After a good breakfast at the 2nd airport I landed on the trip, I met up with a friend and then, we travel again to the next destination. Along the way, I finally had the chance to share and told her what exactly frustrates me about church and friends. I am glad finally someone understand completely why I said I cannot stand anymore at the church full of hypocrites. For the past few months, I came to know and experienced even more of the 'hyppocrites situation' where I must say, I have failed to control myself to accept the fact and let it not affect me. It somehow does. Yes, probably my focus has shifted, but I seriously having hard time blend into it and to be equally yoke with them. I am not sure if I have failed God or God failed me through His servants and people.

Does this place that I visited needs us? That's the first question came into my mind when I landed and met with the eldest. I am glad I met non-hypocrites because they are probably the first generation who came to accept Christ and they are so true in their serving and living for Him. The passions that they have, the guts that they have, the love that they have, ... it's not of a hypocrites. Instead, telling them that I am from a christian family, whom both my father and my brother are priest has make me feel so shameful. I was the hypocrites among them.

Being a professional and lived among them, I feel so shameful of being me. I hates the church and people here in this place.... until now, no one seems care enough to find out what caused me to be so depressed. Church has been one major part of my life. Losing the big part in my life, has left a very big and major hole in my life of which I have failed to get used to and caused me to be depressed. I am not sure how many realised that.... that explains why am I going back to my home church every week for Him. I need that 'emptiness' to be filled in order for me to get well. Instead of being understanding and being loving.... another big part of my life suddenly left me leaving the other 1/4 part of me being left blank.... and that... has added to the sickness... of which, no one seems wanting to care at all.

Well, I guess that's alright to me for now... I am not the one who cease all the communications. They did it. God is my witness. It explains completely what they want. I respect their decision.

Am I reborn? Well... At least my mind is working fine at the moment... been thinking a lot... about God, about His creation, wonder what pleases Him and what's not. When the corn fields has been my toilets, I thank the Lord how tough of a life I can go through.., when friend was bitten terribly by insects and I am not, I thank the Lord for His protection and I remember how I was trained since young to be tough.... I am back.

- Reborn! -