Appreciation!

I really want to thank those who stand by me no matter how much you have suffered from me... Yes, these few months, I realisedthis, I can only thank and appreciate those who is helping me and I can't force anyone to help me if they are not willing. Some are really great people... no matter how unreasonable I am, they still stick around and 'annoyed' me. There are some people who got angry and offended when I 'released' my feelings... but some, amazingly, bugs me like crazy just to make sure I 'release' my feelings... I really don't know what to say..... I can only say, I really appreciate those who stand by me no matter who I turned into.... you people rocks! You know who you are and when I get through this at the end and received the crown, you know you will have a share of it. But before that happen, THANK YOU!

- Appreciation! -

Released

I have been through a serious of supressing feelings and moods for weeks now as I was "told" all my 'expression' are not welcomed and accepted. Hence, I supressed them ... and finally, yesterday, I was being invited to have a talk tonight to release my 'feelings'. Two weeks ago, I was told and trained to find out if I should follow my feelings... It sounds weird isn't it? Well, seriously.... it does sounds funny but that is what I am suppose to do and have been doing. I have to put all my feelings and thoughts down in a paper and to justify it carefully to see if my feeling is 'correct' or not.

Well, we all know we follow our hearts a lot. But I am told I shouldn't follow what exactly I am feeling. It's seriously, not something easy to do. Well, I am trying every single day to deal with it. The recent tactic is, when I realised I have a super low mood on the day I wake up, I will keep myself at home (unless i need to go to the Court) and to avoid meeting people, to avoid unncessary conflict. It has been for a long while now that I share my 'feelings' to others.... and I am glad, I am INVITED to share my 'feelings'. At the end, my side of the story is told and I am glad..... i am allowed to 'release' my entire 'feelings'.... Finally, my feeling is released.... I am glad.... i am released. It's such a good feelings....

The best thing is, I was also allowed to released my 'anger' .... haha... I am a happy girl after tonight.. hehe...

- Released -

What help?

I know I have written quite a few blogs about what will help me. But, seriously... none was executed by anyone. I have finally facing the fact that my housemate is moving out. No matter how much I want to tell her not to move, her words that other day stucked in my mind and I just didn't get to tell her I want her to stay back. I know she doesn't... because she has told me so and she is feeling in danger by staying on with me. I do care so much about her and her feelings... and I know this whatever happen to me, should be bear by me and not by her, especially when she has signifies that she doesn't want to get involved. So, yup... she is moving out and things will hopefully end here, for her.

I know it won't be an end for me as I will need to fight that fear, that loneliness and those hurts myself here in this apartment. Will I be able to raise up again? Well, I have decided that it shouldn't be her problem. After all, she have made that choice... to leave me alone to deal with it and so, I too, won't force her in helping me out. I have from a good sister, became a friend, and to housemate and now, ex-housemate for her... that's bad enough and I don't wish to become her enemy (I know I already have for her). Wow... anyway...

I went to see my drs few days back. Both agreed that, I am now traped at this 'fear' that was put into when my housemate brought a few people to broke in the apartments, etc. ... and I am in between of that fear... and the fear of being lonely... and I am in between these 2. I found no where to get out from there... and ... it's hard. Trust me.... when it is too hard... bingo... that's what came into mind... "why not just end this by jumping off and end this pain?".

What will help? Being with me and not let me alone? or leave me alone? I seriously, DO NOT KNOW! It's a very contradicted situation.... trust me, I am going to gone crazy just because of this..........

What help? ... I don't know anymore... seriously!

- What help? -