How much do you love?

I wonder how much can one love someone. Over the past few weeks, I really ponder over this issue. Seeing my mother going through grievences because of my dad's condition..., going through that sadness of making certain decision so that someone is not hurt, seeing my dad who loves me so much that caused him to be in the bed these days... I wonder.... whether we understand really what love is. We often think we found love at the happiest moment in our lives... but I have a different experience these days about love. It's at the most difficult time that I realised what love truly is. I realised by now who really loves me... I too realised by now, in what situation that love was shown. Does love only exist at time of happiness?

Well, I am experincing love through time of sadness. I lost my dad because he loves me (and I really thank Him for showing me that he loves me) - he worries about me. Because of my dad, i experienced love from my brother. Because of what I am going through, I experiences loves from relatives and friends whom I seldom get in touch with. Because I do love my ex-housemate, I rather she moves on life happily without me (willingly). Because I do love some of my friends, I have chosen to avoid keeping in touch with them to reduce conflict and as a result, i lost them.

Some people just willing so much to sacrifies themselves to show us how much they love us. At this season, I learned the different meaning of love. A love where not many understand. Love that not many approved.

Just like what Jesus did. Was His death a happy one? Nope. It's a sacrificial one and it's a painful one. No one understand what He did. But all He did was because of love. I wonder, how many out there understand what I am experiencing about love....

Seriously... how much do you love?

- How much do you love? -

Restart button - PUSHED!

It's time to restart life really.... my 2 months holiday is coming to an end... and I need to pack myself up to restart everything. Well, to begin with, there's nothing that's in working condition at the moment. Work has resumed since 2 weeks ago and it's moving slow... even though by now, every of my clients received their bills. I can't wait for them to pay me up really... meanwhile... life is really like restarting... with full energy and focus and aim. Finally, there's no one, nothing in particular that's making life difficult and that I can't move on. I have no more worries after dad is ... already not within my 'worry zone'. I guess, it's time to start everything anew... and yup.... I just pushed the button.

Whether the future is going to be a bright one or a sad one... well, I guess... it doesn't matter anymore. It seriously doesn't matter to me anymore....

- Restart button - PUSHED! -

Tawau or KK?

It's weird. This question has been in the back of my mind for the past.... 5 years? Hmm.. well, that shows how long I have been 'suffering' from indecisiveness of mine. Well, as dad is still in the hospital and mom needed company and I need a job... this question pop up again.. and of course all my relatives think I should at this moment stay back at Tawau for my mom especially.

Seriously, I am suffering from not knowing where my 'home' is for a long long time now. Is KK my home or Tawau? I got confused. And I got even more confuse these days. I have left KK for about 2 months now... and I lives with just suitcase which is not more than 15kg. ... I am home at the moment, but I lost my space here... and I find it so hard to breath and to lives here. I pulled myself to take the meal with my mom on a fixed time and I have to perform certain duties at certain time... and I don't have my TV programmes and all with me. But this is suppose to be my home. I was out of breathe and so my brother suggested I should move back to KK before I cannot take it anymore and started to react negatively which might hurts my mom. He called my mom and sealed that thought in her mind... and so, he is asking me to start planning when exactly will i be moving back to KK.

The fear came in.... yes, this is not something new to me. It happened few times when I went back for the previous weeks... and this fear in me comes not only with loneliness.. but also the taste of rejection and neglect. Each time when I need to go back to KK, this fear came in and it's so hard to deal with all these 3 elements. So far, being alone is much better than dealing with rejection and neglect. But it's still not something easy to deal with and many times, I am overcame by the fear, the loneliness and the 'content' of the loneliness........... and many times, I have to deal with fighting back those thoughts by myself....

Is going back to KK will benefit me then? Is Tawau going to help or KK going to help me? What shall I do? Where is home? Is being with my mom is complete loneliness or being alone a coplete loneliness? I do need my 'cave', ... and that's very important. Being here in Tawau, I have no time to retrieve myself to the 'cave' and that's killing........... but in KK, I have my 'cave', and I will end up be in the 'cave' forever and not progressing with works and life. I seriously don't know what's the best for myself.

What do you think?

- Tawau or KK? -