It's a few months of difficulties and I am glad I noticed I need help and I asked for help! But instead of helping (trust me, I did specifically told two of them what and how to help me), they did not help much except of course I do know they prayed for me! What the funniest thing is, they keep telling me they are helping me in all area of my needs and when I told them they are not, they told me either of these statements:- (1) that's all I can do, I am sorry... may be you ask someone else to help. I can't reach your expectation. (2) you don't need me, you need Jesus.
This is what and how exactly I feel on these whole matter. My car broke down, i do not have my phone with me. I saw you and I asked you for help. All you did was, to pass me your phone without giving me the number to call. I know you have the number and so I ask you for it and all you said is (1) sorry, that's all I can help u with and you stand there looking at me and you said, you will pray for me; (2) you tells me I don't need you, I need Jesus. That's what I feel exactly for the past few months.
When I listens to the teaching 2 days ago by pastor kong hee when he told us exactly why gospel was banned in China at Emperor Kang Xi time, I agreed completely with what Emperor Kang Xi said, it's the so called devoted Christian themselves made gospel more difficult to be shared. They talked about God but acted like someone who doesn't know the teaching of God and Jesus.
I did not asked help from those who doesn't know God. But suprisingly, during this most difficult times in my life, it's not my Christian friends, church friends that helped me up. It's all my non-beliver friends who did in many ways helped by encouraging me, checking on me, searched the Internet to get me information and materials that will help me, called me, checked on me, scolded me, reminded me to take my meals and medicine, etc.
On the other hand, those I asked help from, they have literally ignored my existence since my ex-housemate moved(such a relief that is). That is exactly why I need her to move. Too many unnecessary stress and problem caused just because I disturbed her time with her lover (I didn't wanna disturb if I don't have to).
Strangely, things are so calm and better after she moved, as if the previous worries they have on me (they always thought I wanna kill myself), suddenly disappear!!!
Well, I only know they all moves on life happily without needing to worry about me. So, I really wonder how sincere they were when they said they do care and wanted to help me.
So, suddenly... No one needs to worry about me and I am ignored completely! How amazing!!
Were they really sincerely care? Of course not. They just very frustrated because I asked help from them and being polite, they 'helped'. But I know now that they only feel obliged. They didn't wanna care much if I didn't ask help from them. My heart broke.... But I know it will be made whole again by Him.
No, I can't pull myself to equally yoke with them in this. So, I made the step. I know this is a new beginning for me in my other chapter of life! I am grateful I had been in difficulties for me to see things in better perspective. I am disappointed and hurt... but what's worse than losing your faith because of this?
-sincere?-
