Love?

Many of my friends gave me the same reaction and respond when I told them, I can only logically think they do love me but, I can't feel loved. It is not easy for me to feel love. Well, the caused to be because ever since I was born, my parents wants a boy and when I was born, they didn't prepare a name for me. Thereafter, when I was 3, I almost died because of a fever which was neglected by my parents and everyone else in the house.. for hours.... and of course many more..... Neglection is the main cause I gathered. Something I don't think anyone can take and it's something not everyone has experienced and understand. Since young, the thoughts that my parents love my brother more than I always in my mind. The fact is, they do love him more than they love me. For very simple reason... my brother is smart, he is good in everything and he is a boy. I am not a total opposite. I am someone that worries everyone. I remember my dad helped my brother a lot in one of the art competition and he won the prize. I went home, I told my mom I didn't win any prize because my dad only helped my brother and didn't bother about me.

Those who used to go out with me before would agree with me that, I am not easy to be pleased because whatever they do, I don't seems to feel 'touched' or 'loved'. I guess, it's true. I have not try to love anyone or care for anyone for many many years. Not until someone took the initiative first in loving me. But even that, they all find loving me is hard. Some said, they have done their best and yet, they doesn't seems to reach my expectation. Well, seriously, I don't know whether it is a problem with expectation or whether it is because I have lost the sense of 'love'.

My dad had put a lots of efforts in loving me, unconditionally. He assures me that no matter how many times I failed to acknowledged his love, he will still love me. I wonder what will happen to me if my dad has not taken those efforts. I wonder if I know what love is if it is not because of my dad. And only through that, only I realised and manage to 'feel' the love of Christ. Seriously, even that, i found it so hard to accept. Dad suffered stroke... and i know what he wants to tell me... just because I told him everyone has left me and they hated me because I am sick, he is showing me that even the whole world left me, he is still with me. He is still worry, he is still loving me. Yes. I do know it is me, the worries about me that caused him suffering from the stroke. But on the other hand, he is telling me, he cares and he loves me a lot.

Today is my birthday.... for many days now, that I couldn't pull myself to visit dad in the hospital. Am I losing that love? Am I not wanting to care about him anymore? Am I believing now that, truely, EVERYONE has left me? I feel so painful in my heart... to feels the feelings of not being wanted. Not being welcomed and I am worthless. What will happen when dad is not around?

I looked at him in his eyes... and know that he was crying... because I know he saw me without any expression. I am senseless... once again. It's dad who makes me stay alive... previously and for the past few months.... if dad is no longer here, will I continue to live? Love? Well, I don't think I will ever understand and find any in my whole life.

I do know many people out there sending your love to me and wishing me happy birthday... but I wonder, I really wonder... how many really do care and love me?

- Love? -

Friends?

It's weird where friends seems to be something I cannot have and/or understand ever when I was young. As I read a friend's blog and really jealous about their friendship..., I really ponder for a long while wonder if I do have a friend where I can laugh with, querrel with and spend time with. Nope. I don't. All those I call friend only want me to be a 'happy' me... obviously, that's not easy for me lately as my 'happiness' is gone. But just because I am not being able to be happy, I am excluded in their lives. It's sad to realised this... especially when I needed friends to be around at this time round. Not a soul seems to be able to accept a 'defective' me. I lost them all when I get 'defective'.

Oh well... "friends"? nah... I don't believe there's someone out there is to be called MY 'friend' these day. Nope... not me... it's them who doesn't want to be My friend... I am a 'defective' soul out here.

- Friends? -

What's wrong?

For the past few months, all I know is that, something is wrong. Be it miscommunication or non-communication. I do not know. All I know is, I find no one to turn to when I need a listening ears. But, people tells me otherwise. Almost everyone is telling me, just because I didn't ask for it and so, they thought I am doing just fine. I ponder over what they told me. I realised, the problem could be, I have completely lost trust over people arounds me. I trusted 3 persons to help me with my problem. I call it a problem because I know, I can't and I have failed handling it. I trusted them to help and I didn't get any help and instead, thing gone worse. It's a round the circle scenario. I said they don't help, they said, I don't allow them to help. When they said they helped, I said they make it worse. You know what I mean, don't you?

I seriously ponder if it is my issue. Of course to anyone and everything there, it's rulled that I am the one who is wrong because I am not not well. None of them take that "not well" part out of me and put themselves in my shoes to think from my point of view. I am rulled just within a second. When I was left alone, they thought I need to be alone. But I am being left alone and I have no courage to take the step to call them out for a drink anymore. I do not choose to be alone. I am being left alone. But to them, they thought I want to be alone. And leaving me alone is making the situation worse, but to them, they are doing me a favour.

What's wrong? Well, I guess it's because all these while, I was trying to do what they wants and desire and I have never voiced what I want and so, they do not know me at all. Of course they have also never try their best to understand me and care for me. Hence, they did not know I have collapsed until the day I need them to bring me to the dr. Nope. None of those friends I trusted knows me and care for me. All they do was taking me for granted. When they do not need me anymore, there I go, ... to the "dusbin".

The problem with me now is, I have lost trust on people. I am back to the phrase of life where I can't even take up my phone and call friends. I am back to the life where I feel nervous to walk into a shop to buy things, and let's not talk about going to a restaurant alone and eat. I have never gone thus far in my whole life.

What's wrong? Hmm... I have once again failed in the topic of trust and love. That's the problem in me. And this time, I wonder how long does it take for me to step a small step again...

- what's wrong? -