What's wrong?

For the past few months, all I know is that, something is wrong. Be it miscommunication or non-communication. I do not know. All I know is, I find no one to turn to when I need a listening ears. But, people tells me otherwise. Almost everyone is telling me, just because I didn't ask for it and so, they thought I am doing just fine. I ponder over what they told me. I realised, the problem could be, I have completely lost trust over people arounds me. I trusted 3 persons to help me with my problem. I call it a problem because I know, I can't and I have failed handling it. I trusted them to help and I didn't get any help and instead, thing gone worse. It's a round the circle scenario. I said they don't help, they said, I don't allow them to help. When they said they helped, I said they make it worse. You know what I mean, don't you?

I seriously ponder if it is my issue. Of course to anyone and everything there, it's rulled that I am the one who is wrong because I am not not well. None of them take that "not well" part out of me and put themselves in my shoes to think from my point of view. I am rulled just within a second. When I was left alone, they thought I need to be alone. But I am being left alone and I have no courage to take the step to call them out for a drink anymore. I do not choose to be alone. I am being left alone. But to them, they thought I want to be alone. And leaving me alone is making the situation worse, but to them, they are doing me a favour.

What's wrong? Well, I guess it's because all these while, I was trying to do what they wants and desire and I have never voiced what I want and so, they do not know me at all. Of course they have also never try their best to understand me and care for me. Hence, they did not know I have collapsed until the day I need them to bring me to the dr. Nope. None of those friends I trusted knows me and care for me. All they do was taking me for granted. When they do not need me anymore, there I go, ... to the "dusbin".

The problem with me now is, I have lost trust on people. I am back to the phrase of life where I can't even take up my phone and call friends. I am back to the life where I feel nervous to walk into a shop to buy things, and let's not talk about going to a restaurant alone and eat. I have never gone thus far in my whole life.

What's wrong? Hmm... I have once again failed in the topic of trust and love. That's the problem in me. And this time, I wonder how long does it take for me to step a small step again...

- what's wrong? -

Mirror?

I guess my mom missed my dad a lot... or may be not... may be what she said is true.... that I am so much like my dad. These past few days, I have been with my mom almost all the time and whatever I do, whatever I said, all she said was "you are really like your dad". I am not sure if I am so similar to my dad... but people arounds me do say I am like him... may be we are the same type of person.

A friend said I am too good to others sometimes and I am never good to myself. I guess, that part... I am very similar to my dad. Hence, he can understands me and what I am thinking... my cousin said he is such a good pal to me... I guess he is.. and he has always been.

It's both my dad's and my intention that I don't stay with him and my mom. For a very simple reason. We cannot easily get 'unattached' ... for event like this. My dad knows I can't cope with this... he wants me to be independent and lives my own life rather than living a life for them. I need not explain much to my mom because my dad helped me to explained to her. Even up to today, my mom said, my dad wouldn't want her to ask me to come back and stay in Tawau for good. I was quite shock when she told me that today. I guess, ... I am just so much like my dad... and I am glad, I inherited something not everyone has... from my dad.

I wish, I really wish... everyone will respect me and appreciate me one day just like how dad was being respected and appreciated today.

- Mirror? -

Hospital

It has been more than a week now that my dad is admitted to hospital after suffered a stroke. I walked in and out of the hospital and somehow, this feeling of familiarities struck me and so, I was reminded. I was reminded of how many times I was being admitted to hospital and out of the hospital. I remember the first time when I was admitted. I remember which ward I was in.. I remember, my dad carried me with his two hands up and down the hospital (I was almost unconscious then). Besides being admitted, I remember I visited church members, family members so many times in the same hospital. I always follow my dad for hospital visits and others. I went with my dad for his regular check up here in the same hospital for a couple of times too.

I left Tawau for quite a number of years and for many years, I have not visited this hospital until recent years where I followed my dad for one baptism in the hospital. Now, this whole week,.... I visited my dad himself.... I met so many people who came to visit him these few days and told him: "Rev Lin, you used to pray a lot for us, now we want to pray for you.". I am seriously touched and amazed with the amount of people who came to visit dad this whole week. Nurses asked me who is my dad, whether he is a Datuk. Some nurses found out from their colleagues that my dad was their teacher and/or headmaster. Parents of dad students came and visit and told us how grateful they are for having him as their children's teacher once. One Haji even told us now all his children is successful and all because of my dad and he keep saying "Dia yang paling bagus sekali".

While I reached the lift this afternoon, I met about 7 people going up to visit my dad. When the lift stopped at Level 5 and the door opened, I saw another few familiar faces... as I walked towards my dad's bed, I saw a big crowd of people, including my ex-boss/master. He asked me whether he can just talked to him and thank him for what he has done to him and his wife's family.

I am touched.... he used to visit people and prayed for people in the hospital... and many were blessed through him.... and I am so proud to be his daughter, the one he said "that's my girl" and "I know you can do it" when I was discussing my steps of recovery from what I am suffering from. He is not only my dad, he is my best friend, guidance and advisor both spiritually and socially. When I told him I got my housemate moved out, all he said was "it's alright... it's you who has problem. Sort it out ... they will be your best friend again after you receovered". I managed to pick myself up after that conversation ... and I am better... and better each day. I didn't hear him praying for me.... but my mom always told me, my dad always intercede for me. He knees down and prayed for me every single night.

I was not admitted to the hospital (building). But while I was in the 'hospital', he has always been around and prayed for me. He "visited" me in the 'hospital' indeed. I am thankful to God for such a great dad! A dad who is never a stranger to any kind of hospital.

- Hospital -