Turn bad to good?

I am suffering from something I have no knowledge of and all I get these days are that, I need to get well and back to the normal me again. I don't know how. Seriously. But, this is me, I am back, I am feeling better today and I am reconnect myself back online. I woke up, saw a hammer next to me, I look at the clock, it's 8a.m. in the morning. I sat next to the hammer and wonder, "what happen?". That scene... is so familiar to all as we all seen that in TV before, but I trust that, I am the only one is experincing it. I walked out my room, saw my housemate's room is half emptied and the knob of the door was damaged and i wonder, what happen.... I walked in her room, sat down at the corner and I only remember I got angry and threw things out of the windows. I look down from the window and no things were there. I walked to my own room, I saw the time now is 9a.m. I still have yet to figure out what happen. I got myself ready for church. I iron my clothes and then I open the main door. I was shock to see my housemate's stuffs were outside. I got all the things in, went out, start my car and went to the church. Sat down there, throughout the whole service, bit by bit, memory set in and I realised, my housemates has moved because I asked her to.

I got all the food, breakfast and all after service, came home, called my housemate and a few friends. I feel relief. Yes, now that she is not around, I found comfortable and happy. I laught and joke around with friends on the phone. Looking forward for a new life to take place.

As I was talking to one of my friend, she reminds me that God places me in this situation to understand people whom no one is able to understand. I thank God that I have the opportunity to go through this and I know, I am not wasting a month without doing anything. I am learning something from Him. I am trying to experience things which not many are choose to experience. I really am glad that certain people came and make sure I was doing fine during this period of time. Many of those phone calls, distracted my 'negative thoughts' and i appreciate that, a lot. Thank you.

I guess, God somehow turns something we see it as 'bad' to something good after all, didn't He?

- turn bad to good? -

Just like...

I am shocked to find out that my situation is like Peter Houghton at "Nineteen Minutes", except, I have God. Otherwise, .... ghoosh... I could be where he is now....

- Just like -

Tough Journey

I ended last year with bitterness, hopelessness, confusion, angers and hurts. I started this year with an experience and expectation which is very much different from the previous years. First, with difficulties, Secondly, with nothing. Thirdly, I will be starting this year with 0. Nope. I am not saying just in terms of money, but friends, ministries and career as well. I started this year all by myself and I am starting this journey alone.

I was up in a walk with a friend yesterday and we started by not knowing what is ahead of us. We only know there's paths where we can go on and we will eventually finish the path we took. We started with someone besides us but 15 minutes later, we were left alone. The person who was with us has taken another path off to another path (which we didn't know about) and we standed there to wait for another passer-by to show us where we should go, but we gave up waiting after 5 minutes. We choose one of the 2 pathes ahead of us and we follow that direction for a very long while, until we reached a very difficult path. I can felt that I was not having enought stamina to continue. I took a break on the way up to the hill. When I thought I am finishing with the hills, i saw another few in front and I stopped there telling my friend that I am giving up. Friend encouraged me to go on. I walked and walked up the hills and even though they are hills which looks difficult, it's not that difficult after all. I passed a few and an uncle saw us having difficulties under the hot sun, he gave us an umbrella. After we passed a few hard ones, we reached one which is the toughest among all. I stopped half way, sat on the floor and I really told my friend, "that's it. It's too difficult and I am giving up". Yup, my friend knows I didn't mean of going through all the hills. My friend knows I mean, what I am going through in life these days. My friend immediately sat down and encouraged me, helped me to get up, and before we started to walk, during such a difficult journey, an uncle passed by, my friend asked water from him and he gave us. While we walked another 15 minutes, we met another aunty and she left us down the hill within 15 minutes.

It's a difficult journey. I seriously don't think I manage to go through it if not because of my friend who really sat down and encourage me and took me on my hand and push me up the difficult paths.

In real life, I seriously at that point of time now, where I really saying "That's it, this is too difficult and I am giving up". But as i look around, I only saw all my friends just like other passer-by who just passed me by without even having the compassion to give me an 'umbrella' or 'water'. or even a word of encouragement. All they said is they are busy with their own life and all i need, is to do it myself. Yup. I am very much disappointed that everyone left me at that most difficult times of mine and I will never appreciate what they did. Through them, I only realised, I am a rubbish, I am not needed, I am a nuisance and I cause everyone in difficulties.

Yes, you may say God is what needed to focus... how can I focus in Him alone if the people who said they are God's children has done the damage most to me? I have my focus on God alright.... just that, I can't seems to understand why can't any of those i hold dear give me a 'hand' or at least an encouragement at the most difficult times of my life. Instead, they choose to leave me alone.

This is, so far, the most difficult time in my life and ... yes, I am seriously giving up. ...

- Tough Journey -