Tough Journey

I ended last year with bitterness, hopelessness, confusion, angers and hurts. I started this year with an experience and expectation which is very much different from the previous years. First, with difficulties, Secondly, with nothing. Thirdly, I will be starting this year with 0. Nope. I am not saying just in terms of money, but friends, ministries and career as well. I started this year all by myself and I am starting this journey alone.

I was up in a walk with a friend yesterday and we started by not knowing what is ahead of us. We only know there's paths where we can go on and we will eventually finish the path we took. We started with someone besides us but 15 minutes later, we were left alone. The person who was with us has taken another path off to another path (which we didn't know about) and we standed there to wait for another passer-by to show us where we should go, but we gave up waiting after 5 minutes. We choose one of the 2 pathes ahead of us and we follow that direction for a very long while, until we reached a very difficult path. I can felt that I was not having enought stamina to continue. I took a break on the way up to the hill. When I thought I am finishing with the hills, i saw another few in front and I stopped there telling my friend that I am giving up. Friend encouraged me to go on. I walked and walked up the hills and even though they are hills which looks difficult, it's not that difficult after all. I passed a few and an uncle saw us having difficulties under the hot sun, he gave us an umbrella. After we passed a few hard ones, we reached one which is the toughest among all. I stopped half way, sat on the floor and I really told my friend, "that's it. It's too difficult and I am giving up". Yup, my friend knows I didn't mean of going through all the hills. My friend knows I mean, what I am going through in life these days. My friend immediately sat down and encouraged me, helped me to get up, and before we started to walk, during such a difficult journey, an uncle passed by, my friend asked water from him and he gave us. While we walked another 15 minutes, we met another aunty and she left us down the hill within 15 minutes.

It's a difficult journey. I seriously don't think I manage to go through it if not because of my friend who really sat down and encourage me and took me on my hand and push me up the difficult paths.

In real life, I seriously at that point of time now, where I really saying "That's it, this is too difficult and I am giving up". But as i look around, I only saw all my friends just like other passer-by who just passed me by without even having the compassion to give me an 'umbrella' or 'water'. or even a word of encouragement. All they said is they are busy with their own life and all i need, is to do it myself. Yup. I am very much disappointed that everyone left me at that most difficult times of mine and I will never appreciate what they did. Through them, I only realised, I am a rubbish, I am not needed, I am a nuisance and I cause everyone in difficulties.

Yes, you may say God is what needed to focus... how can I focus in Him alone if the people who said they are God's children has done the damage most to me? I have my focus on God alright.... just that, I can't seems to understand why can't any of those i hold dear give me a 'hand' or at least an encouragement at the most difficult times of my life. Instead, they choose to leave me alone.

This is, so far, the most difficult time in my life and ... yes, I am seriously giving up. ...

- Tough Journey -

Dealing with rejection in daily life!

These few months, I have been asking myself what makes me feel insecure and what caused all the emotional reactions which were mostly, beyond my own control. Am I losing sense? Am I going to go crazy. My friends somehow think I should go to see a dr with regards to this but has not known and/or amitted that they could be the one contributed to it. Well, I am sure they did it unintentionally and they probably didn't realise how serious this is to me and i am sure they doesn't know what and how I was triggled by it.

I guess I did told them that it's from July this year that I started to feel uneasy with things ... yes, instead of sitting down and talk, they started all the rejection methods because to them, I annoyed them with those personal problem of mine. I thought after telling them, things can be better, but that's not correct at all. Things gone worse and they have since then, not only caused others to react "wrongfully" towards me, but they have taken huge step into making things worse on me by rejecting everything I asked.

It's easy to say we can pack ourselves up and move on with life but... the horror was, the harder I tried, the harder things gone wild and uncontrollable. More hurts, more rejections I feel every single day. No matter how much I tried to convince myself by explaining things to them and others who did the same to me, all they could said was, "you must deal with it yourself". Yes, I told them, I tried and I couldn't and I need help... all they can think of then was, find someone professional. We are not and we can't help you. Helpful on the sense of rejection? I think that's the main rejection that caused me collapsed all together, i.e. they contributed and they triggled it and now, they said, they can't help and ask me to find a professional (someone whom i do not know at all). Brilliant idea!

A friend suggested that I do not have the right friends besides me. I admitted. But I do love them and therefore, I hold on to it. Months past... I tried so hard to pick myself up but things gone worse just because out of love and concern, of words I said, they thought I am imposing on them of whether I am happy or sad with my life. Nope. It's never my intention to impose my life to theirs. I knew they are not good friends of mine and why would I want to impose such things on them? I only treasure our friendship and would like to reignite the friendship... but that.. also making me feels rejected. Not to mention rejection that I feels almost every single day, for not wanting to go movie with me, not wanting to go weekend trip with me, not wanting to have dinner with me, not wanting to spend christmas with me... ,not wanting to share my life, not wanting to listen to me, not wanting to help, not wanting to send me to airport, start lying, etc. To a point, I find it so hard to send sms to even ask if my housemate is going to have dinner with me. I know rejection is what I will feel no matter how and when the message is to sent. "No. I have my own plan tonight" will be the answer.

Being jilted for a movie date and knowing that they went without me seriously wasn't something easy to accept, not something easy to forgive and forget. It only make the wound deeper.

I woke up this morning and God spoke to me, to deal with the rejection I have ! Let Him handle and help me. Yes, better than the professiona, God is the only one whom know me since young and walked me through life until today. He would be able to help. Yes. I might be shutting myself from getting hurt these days and at the same time (I know many who cares are feeling annoyed by me too), but I seriously is back to the shelf... to get myself protected from being rejected / hurt again. At the same time, I am seriously hoping that those deep wound I got will somehow being healed soonest possible.

While browsing the internet for rejection, this came:

"Social rejection occurs when an individual is deliberately excluded from a interpersonal relationship or social relation. The topic includes both interpersonal rejection (or peer rejection) and romantic rejection. A person can be rejected on an individual basis or by an entire group of people. Furthermore, rejection can be either active, by bullying, teasing, or ridiculing, or passive, by ignoring a person, or giving the "silent treatment." The experience of being rejected is subjective for the recipient, and it can be perceived when it is not actually present.

Although humans are social beings, some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life. Nevertheless, rejection can become a problem when it is prolonged or consistent, when the relationship is important, or when the individual is highly sensitive to rejection. Rejection by an entire group of people can have especially negative effects, particularly when it results in social isolation.

The experience of rejection can lead to a number of adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression. It can also lead to feelings of insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to future rejection."

I am seriously feeling it already: loneliness, low sel-esteem, agression, depression, insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to future rejection.

I also found this article very useful: -

http://www.helium.com/items/783261-dealing-with-rejection-in-daily-life

In order for not being rejected over sms or anything... I have make certain things clearer with my housemate. I know she won't feel anything about rejection because otherwise, she would be able to understand what I am going through. Well, after all, she has many friends and I am just one nasty housemate she got which she can lives without. (Ops.. is this a negative thoughts out of rejection?) Yes, those words can be offensive, but... I am coming out with it because of what she has done.

So, the next time you see me, if i have no reaction towards whatever you said, it must be I am on a protective shield. Seriously, this rejection issue is killing me and all the friendships around me...

- Dealing with rejection in daily life! -

Christmas!

I miss those days when i was in England for Christmas. I must say, even though those days I may need to celebrate Christmas alone, it's the most happy Christmas I had so far in my whole life. As Christmas is drawing near ... i started to thought about 'leaving' this place ... as it is going to be year end.. a time where I was thinking to tender my resignation and move back home for good. Just because I had an arrangement with my partner earlier this year, I just have to finish my 'service' here at year end. Hence, even though I have it in my mind, .... i have to wait. So, Christmas is drawing near... everyone has plans... for christmas, for dinner, for fellowship, for going home for Christmas and all.... I however, is sadden by all these work thingy, future thingy...

It is not going to be a good and happy one this year also... At first, I thought of having fellowship with those i hold dear. Well, my request started with having a last trip with them, but they turned me down. Instead of me, they asked someone else for holiday and all. I have done my part with asking them but if that's what they choose, so be it! It hurts of course, but, I can understand the fact that I am not welcomed and I am definately not the one they wanted to spend time with. Hence, I asked for Christmas dinner... again, instead of turning me down just like that, they hurts me with their words.... Those who know me well will know that I do not like to take initiative in inviting people for dinner, for movie, for anything... and those whom I thought I am close to, of course have not came to know this (yes, such a failure I am) and so, they not only turned me down... they ridiculs me. So be it...........

Limit has reached. Changed past. I am going to make my own arrangement now. Be it here in KK, if have to, or home or somewhere else. Well, after all, they always told me they have their own plans... (suggesting that I keep on disturbing them and their plans) and so, I shall not disturb them and their plans.

This year's christmas will be ... a hurtful one.. and that's exactly a reminder to me of how graceful God is to me by sending me His only begotten son............... as much as God is sending His own son to us because of love... i am going to forgive them also for whatever things they have done and said that hurts me for the past few years. It has not been easy. God is my witness... and I am sure I have caused them so much hurts and pain too.... but, it is not my call to ask them to forgive me even though I have asked them to.

Well... somehow, i am looking forward to go home for Christmas... Lord, help me with all the arrangment of stand-in and submissions... that i can finish on time!!!!!!!!!!

- Christmas! -