Rest

To many people, resting is always required and people love to have a day off and rest day, at least a day or two in a week. Well, we can't ask a person to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year without stopping. God set the 7th day to be a day to worship Him and to rest too. So, we do have day off. Some people tend to have more than a day or two because after work, they do have rest and some of them even taken the steps to sleep earlier in order to have enough rest so that they can work effectively the next day.

I hardly have rest. Well, not the physical one, but the mental one. Over the weekend, I was given nothing in particular to do and so, I am physically free from any activities and thus, I was suppose to have some rest. However, due to some cirucmstances (I am not sure if it is the pillow, the temperature in my room, the smell or whatever it is) that I had difficulties in sleeping. I woke up at least 3 times at night and I suffered terrible neck pain and/or shoulder pain, be it I sleep with or without pillow, with flat pilow or ghoose feather pillow, or cotton pillow or fiber pillow or neck shape pillow, etc. So, I ended up feeling tired at all time.

So, at the end of the day... I wasn't really resting... but it made me feel more tired. I wonder (seriously), when I can have a good rest, one which I am free from worries, free from disturbance, no problem with bed and pillow, etc.

- rest -

Insecurity

After a few weeks or months of things happening on me, I seriously ponder over the word 'Insecure', i.e. if I am feeling insecure at all time. There were at many times, I reacted towards things and people in ways that I couldn't explain why. For example, I don't understand why do I feel fear to go in a shop to buy things, I don't understand why I feel uneasy to raise my hand to call the waitress, I do not understand why sometimes I rather to stay at home and why sometimes, I wish to have people arounds me, etc. Nope, I don't think loneliness is the reason for all these. Rather..... may be it's insecurity.

According to Wikipedia, Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in future. This is not to be confused with humility, involves recognising one's failings but still maintaining a healthy dose of self-confidence. Insecurity is not an objective evaluation of one's ability but an emotional interpretation, as two people with the same capabilities may have entirely different levels of insecurity. Insecurity may cause shyness, paranoia and social withdrawal, or alternatively it may encourage compensatory behaviours such as arrogance, aggression or bullying, a principle enshrined in the phrase "all bullies are cowards." Insecurity has many effects in a person's life. There are several levels of it. It nearly always causes some degree of isolation a typically insecure person withdraws themselves to some extent. The greater the insecurity, the higher the degree of isolation. Insecurity is often rooted in a person during their childhood years. Like offense and bitterness, it grows in layer fashion, often becoming an immobilising force that sets a limiting factor in the person's life. Insecurity robs by degrees - the degree it is entrenched is the degree of power it has in the person's life.As insecurity can be distressing and feel threatening to the psyche, insecurity can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defence mechanisms.

So friends... I am sorry if I acted 'weirdly' towards certain circumstances... I told you I don't know why also... I meant it. May be I just feel insecure ...

- insecurity -

Random thoughts

Recently, I have many friends moved from one place to another and from one job to another too. Many has started to realise, moving is not something anyone would desire and wish for. Everyone love to be able to settle down for a while, if it cannot be forever. Some finds it easy to move to another place with just a 7 days notices given but to many, it's just difficult. Just this month itself, 2 friends are moving to Tawau, a few left KK, one changed job and another few might be leaving KK in a month or two too. Because of what happen, I started to think once again on the issue of 'where and what is next'. Yes, this issue has stopped 'functioning' for a while now... about 3 years now? Hmm... sounds long.. but nope, I only felt it just happen a while ago since I last ponder over or rather... disturbed by it.

I am sure this issue is unavoidable in life because nothing in this world or life stays where it is forever. Friends and people arounds you will be leaving you and they won't be with you forever. Not even your husband/wife as one of you will be leaving this world first. From the first day I joined this firm, first, it was the 'good' office boy who resigned. When I came back from England, I was told the account clerk wanted to resigned and so, she is not working half a day and a month ago, I was told my other clerk is leaving end of October too.

I do hate the feeling being 'left' behind. I traced my history all the way back to my childhood day to see if I can find out what caused me to hate the feeling... I guess, somehow... because I am so 'different' in the family or community, people somehow... rather... not to bother about me. You can say I am claiming that I am lack of love... but to be exact, I guess, I just don't like being left being... so, for the past few years, I have been moving around instead... ( at least I think that's the reason why I have been moving) and gradually, I have started to feel that I do not want to be committed into any friendship, relationship, etc. etc. I also do not like the feeling of separation when people is leaving me, especially those who are close to me. So, I started to stay away from being close with people arounds me.

Of course, at many times, I am "successful"... of course 'failure' happens as one or two has started to realise the mindset behind... and so, I was 'disturbed' from this "staying away to get close" project.

Well, I just want to say, I hate the feeling of knowing close friend(s) is leaving me, be it they are moving to other place and/or the current situation has changed...

- random thoughts -