Trusting ...

It's either me or the market, but everything seems slow arounds me. Besides some bad news which were quite disturbing lately, I received no good news to spices up my life. For many times, I wonder what is going with my life and which part, when did it went wrong. I came in office with the will to finish all the unfinished works but yet, I am sitting here doing something else after I finished one matter and for the rest of the day, I slack through the day...

I am not a person who would love this kind of life. I can't lives feeling contented with unproductivity in life. Hence, I have been searching for something more 'challenging' to fill my life since then but somehow I guess God is challenging me to be patience. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have no works to do or no business coming in. Somehow all clients choose not to pay me on the date I expect them to.

Have I lose sight of His promises I asked. What promise are we talking about? Since when I lose sight of that promise? I have been asking the same questions again and again... for the past few months and I am seriously feeling 'tired' with trusting and believing... where there's no sign that things are going to be better soon. A friend however reminded me that, I should not give up now but to continue to trust and obey. She's right. I should.

Thought: No matter how strong I was in faith in Him, no matter how many times I went through difficult paths with Him in the past and experienced His providence and blessing at the end, somehow, this lesson at this season is rather new to me. May be I am getting a little bit older and I have been experiencing a better life for a year plus and that I have forgotten how to trust Him fully. It's not easy though...

-trusting -

Thoughts!

It's the issue of my future that bothers me lately. It was the career opportunity that I stepped foot at this piece of land. However, things changed and direction lost. For a few months, I have been thinking why am I here for. I am not getting pay a monthly salary and I just feel future is insecure and I worried every single day of how I can survive the next moment. I thought it might be good to join a firm as Legal Assistant and with that, at least I will be paid a monthly salary and life should be good then. However, after I had a meeting with 2 of the senior lawyers few weeks back, I seriously not sure if that's a correct move. The very senior lawyer is having problem finding a job somewhere else as she is very experienced and her pay is high. For her, the only solution is to open her own firm if she wants to get out from her present firm. The monthy pay won't be increasing after it reaches 5K to 6K unless you open your own firm and get businesses in. That's the reality. So, for me to get back to become Legal Assistant, I wonder if things will be the same after a few years later. i.e. I have to come out and start my own firm.

I can't see the point of all these. Yes. I lost the direction. If I start a firm, it's a long term committment. It won't be easy. I will have to 'fight' for things all by myself. I suddenly feel that I will be 'tired' 'fighting' alone. There's no meaning at all. What's the ultimate goal of all? Not that I enjoy my life so much as a lawyer. May be I should start looking for something else to do. May be my initial plan was good. To open a bookshop and having a small law firm next to it. hahaha...

I am seriously bothered... may be it all started with not having a stable income every month?

- thoughts -

My perception v. Other's expectation

I am not sure when was the last time this phrase came across my mind. I guess it was floating in my mind for some time now and that's why it was 'triggled' when one of this word was told.

I am a person who will care for other's interest more than myself especially on certain issue. My brother who used to be my Pastor reminded me once that I can be TOO responsible for things given to me. I somehow give myself so much of burden, pressure in fulfilling my 'task'. I guess he's right and in order not to 'hurt' myself so much in that, I have learned not to take things too seriously. (Some of you do know how much things and people hurted me in the past) It has for a while now that I have not really care for things and/or people around me. If you ask me what I want now, I probably will say the same, that is " I need a break", "Don't disturb me", "Leave me alone". Of course as some of you know... I probably have more than enough of those and it's time to 'work' again. I took up the responsibility, walked for a while and I am seriously feeling tired. I am down with flu AGAIN... can't remember how many times I got that since I feel 'tired' with things around me.

A direction that I thought is my direction has changed and I started to question why am I here for. To be stabbed, hurted, discouraged, disappointed by people arounds me? I can understand different people do have different direction, wishes, aim, or whatever you call it. But with all these you are doing, I am just asking... that you try not to 'hurt' people around you? Perhaps, not to be selfish SOME time?

Yes, you probably will say, perhaps all these are just my perception instead of your expectation. I do hope too. I too have feeling that's sensitive at time and when things like that imposed with or without intention and when it caused me to have that feelings as if it is your expectation, it's just not good.

Or... may be it's all started from my own expectation. i.e. I probably expect some to take care of the visitor in the cell. I probably expect some nurture their own friends. I probably expect some take care of themselves. I probably expect someone has the same perspective, etc. etc. May be, I shouldn't expect and just work things out myself? Is that what people expect that from me? I am doing it anyway... if you are not calling it your expectation, what else?

The funniest thing is, after I have done something, people don't really appreciate it... and more so, they 'apply salt to your wounds' some how. My perception too? Whatever...

- my perception v. other's expectation -