Communication...

For those of you who know me well probably know that I am BAD, VERY BAD in communication. If my mind is clear and sound without tiredness and with a bit of time allocated in a very romantic and quiet place, you probably will get what I mean clearly, precisely, but it still, might not be FULLY. I do not know how to explain it, but yes, my communication is always bad and misleading. I have on various occasions misled people in my communication, especially through email or MSN. I remember the last one has caused 2 parties need to be settled in front of the pastor and conflicts were on for a few months and years between few people. When I think back, it is actually merely because of a word , 'nevermind' or 'suan lah...'. Yes, my bad communication mainly caused by my attitudes of lazy to explain things and people just love to take my answer and manupulate it to whatever they think suits their mind and situation. So, basically, they tried their very best to put a blame on whatever I said. Sometimes, my words may be just a short YES or NO, but people can make it sounds like an "unwilling YES" or "willing NO".

I do know some people really THINK TOO MUCH. Well, .. this group of people, whatever you tell them, they will make it a long story and the story eventually ended in a negative way and not positive way. I am sure you encounter such a person in life. At most time, these group of people hurted themselves instead of others because they twisted their own mind to a think negatively and hurted themselves.

Since I came to Kota Kinabalu in June last year, I am not sure if this is the church's problem or my problem or the society problem, the Sabah's problem or whatever it is.... but I keep on meeting this same group of people be it in work, in church or outside. The worse thing is, I tend to meet this group of people more in church and less outside. I saw them not hurting me of course, but hurting themselves and caused themselves to have problem adjusting their own character, attitudes and emotions. I am sympathetic with them of course, but I do have to admit that, I also failed to communicate with them and this, has caused me discomforts.

I admit that I do have 'the rude' way of speaking at all time. I just seems difficult to lower down myself in talking, explaining things for those who are UNWILLING to listen and learn. See, may be this group of people is always here and they are among the BEST in town and that they think they are the BEST and so, when someone like me challenged their 'ability', they still think they are the best but failed to do the basic which I requested. But yet, they still not willing to listen or learn and get themselves into the HIGHER level. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying all I does is a higher level then their. I am also learning something from them. But because of my humble learning, they keep on having this "I AM THE BEST" attitude in them and that, they refused to change or improve. This communication has of course again FAILED.

I do know one or two who are really good. Whatever he/she doesn't know, he/she just post the question and let those who know the answer answers him/her.

My failure in communication is also caused by understanding. I wouldn't be able to answer a question which require some basic understanding on certain thing. For example, if you do not know a big of the music, whatever I talk in the music way, you wouldn't be able to understand. Another example, you think I am a boss of a law firm but you do not understand why a boss is more busy then the worker. If I tell you there are certain things that only lawyer knows how to do, i.e. drafting of Statement of Claim or do an Affidavit of Defence, althought it is an answer but you still might not get what I mean because your understanding on this field is zero. So yes, there are many times I tried to explain things when someone asked me and sometimes, I just feel 'lazy' to answer because I do know they don't understand anyway. (don't worry, if you have legal issue, I will explain to you very well of your rights). Don't get me wrong, at many times, I do tried to explain, but half way, I just gave up. It's just different level. A friend keep on remind me that, wei, only you read law ok? we don't know anything about it, so you still have to explain. hahaha.. I believe she is right.

A friend just posted me a question of whether I want to go to Nepal a moment ago. I told her, no. I don't want. No money. She then replied me saying, go lah, go lah... well, her reply seems like I PURPOSELY said no to NEPAL. See, I have a burden to go to Nepal ever since I was in England, but going there for travelling seems out of the main purpose. Plus, I really do not have sufficient money to go travelling. But I am just so 'lazy' to explain to her the burden I have but I just want her to know that I Don't want to go. I am sure she thinks that being a lawyer, we earn a lot, but she doesn't know exactly what I am going through. She doesn't really understand what a JOB means to me at this present stage and what kind of things that I am facing NOW in my present situation. And my "NO" is only a short answer and I just so 'lazy' to explain things. So, yes... that's why I said, the misunderstanding in my ways is just because i am 'lazy' to explain things.

For the past few months, I have been suffering from stress, from fear, from uncertainty, from a lot of other things. Whenever people ask "How are you?", my answer would be , OK. I AM FINE. Or when I was busy, I will just tell them, "I am busy lately" or some other similar answers. But actually, no one really gets what I am facing for the past month. No one really understand my situation. Again, I was so 'lazy' to explain things to everyone. Well, as you can guessed, I have caused LOT of conflicts and misunderstanding...

I am still in the midst of learning how to communicate well with people. I am someone who doesn't really know how to speak or talk properly. I have difficulties in explaining things and getting my mind across to others. I think too much, I always have idea in my mind, but I always failed to put it forward to others. And when I failed, I am 'lazy' to explain. So yes, I am weak in this and I do need a little help. To be able to speak properly, I will have to really get my mind clear at all time.

Well, ... me and my bad communication skills.

- communication -

Feeling...

I am not very sure about my own feeling lately. A friend trying to convince me that I need rest but my soul, my mind and my health told me I am ok to go on for a little more while. But at the same time, honestly speaking, I do not feel like doing ANYTHING at all. I can't think of even a single thing that I want to do NOW. Not even eating or sleeping or playing around or travelling or working or anything.... I don't. Hmm... I have lose my enthusiastism and passion towards anything. I do not know why. Can anyone tell me why?

A friend told me it could be because I feel disappointment and discouraged. I think I might have. I am not sure. I feel not tired, but 'lazy' to go on again. I don't feel like moving and trying again. I need time to get healed. I am defeated, even in health. Ya, this is my 2nd week of sickness.

When I was really 'lazy' yesterday, a friend was online and she asked how I am doing. I told her a bit of the story and then she told me a story which really spoke to me. The story she told really touched my heart and she reminded me that of all things that I did, I should keep my focus correctly, and that is only for GOD. If you ask me, I think I remember when was the last time I had such terrible feeling. But that was only part of one of my ministry. But I grew up from there. Took up the challenge and go another few miles. Last month, I had another defeat. Wow... I wonder how many times more I can bear with it. Frankly speaking, my mind and soul are defeated and what is working now is my physical. Thank God that I am 'recovering' from all wounds. At least, I am feeling much better than last few weeks.

If you want to give me a bit of 'help'. Ah... may be you can say a little prayer for me. That's definately going to help. hehehe....

Who is eligible to be a pastor? Well, I do not know what answer you have in your mind. Some think that as long as you are called and you have willing, you will be a pastor. May be I demand a higher standard to be consider. I do agree with the above statement. That's how you are eligible to be a pastor. But to be a GOOD pastor and to be able to feed the lamb and tend the sheeps, I think the requirement should be more than just the above 2 I mentioned earlier. No one want a pastor if that pastor cannot feed me well and/or his attitudes is sickening then edifying others. A friend told me recently about her boyfriend's point of view of a true christian. Wow, I totally agree with him. I can not accept the fact that someone is telling others that he/she is christian but at the same time, doing nasty thing. I was arguing with my partner about one developer about a month ago and suddenly, she said, so what's the different if he is a christian? Everything he does also nasty and all about money. I believe they were right. Even christian, we raise the issue of 'devoted' christian and 'seasons' christian. And even some devoted christian have the worse attitudes and character and principle of life. How many of us understand the meaning of acting like Christ? or acting like a Christian? How many of us manage to fulfil / reach that 'christian' level?

Well, for me I would expect people working in the church as full time administrative staff and pastors are better than those outside the church. However, I keep on encounter pastors and administrative workers in church who disappoint me because they take things for granted. i.e. I am a lawyer. I am a practising lawyer. When I said I am willing to do this and that for this Project A, I mean I am willing to HELP and Contribute. I do not mean I am working FOR a particular person. My giving to God is one point. If you are the pastor in charge for Project A, I would appreciate if things get into my hand not last minute. May be most of the pastors never work outside before that they do not understand the way it should works out. If I am asking another lawyer to help me to do things, I make sure that things is properly prepared and sent to his/her hand. But pastors sometimes left this part out. They took things for granted. Forgetting that we are serving not them ALONE, but others and the Lord. I am not sure how they think, but to me, ... I am serving God as lawyer. Just like them serving God as pastor. If a pastor need respect, we too, need a little respect. Nothing like Pastor has higher ranking than lawyer. I am quite 'sick' with that kind of feeling that some pastor made. Well, like I said, I am sure some of them do not understand the way of 'working'.

See, you are making me to make comparison between church and outside and you can see, I think the way outside world is doing is better than the church. So, why not take the opportunity to learn from it and improve it? Some of course is that individual pastor's attitude instead. Anyway, I thank God because it is HE who judge and not human being. hai.... see, disappointment!!!!

- feeling -

ME?

So, it is my fault? I shouldn't have the attitudes that most probably do not have? I have to be understanding and considerate because they are from Sabah? That's what some of my friends suggested. Hmm.... well, I am not sure.

Anyway, don't want to care about it so much...

I was invited for a FEAST last saturday evening by my uncle. He told me that because his sister and brother and 2 nieces came back from Canada and therefore they are having a big feast. Wow.... I took 30 minutes to bought a bottle of red wine and when I enter into his place, I was firstly being scolded by him for being too 'hak hee' (hakka, meaning polite and generous?). 5 minutes later, everyone is asking who am I. I saw around 30 to 50 people in the house and I only know say 10 of them. haha... So, basically everyone is asking who am I and some of my uncle and aunty brought me around and introduce me to them and them to me. Of course, thank God that I know the OLDEST person in that house, my dad's youngest aunt and she can always recognise me and haha... trust me, if you see her, you know she is my aunt. We look quite alike, in term of the way we talk. hahahaha.....And so, when my grandaunt saw me, she was happy to see me and because of that, even more people asking who am I. hahahaha.....the whole night, I was playing with the kids... (some of them are cousins, some of them are nieces and nephews, I don't know who and who loh), then chatting with those at around my age, including the 2 nieces from Canada, etc. I truely had a good gathering with them. Some distant relative also came and only a few of us know them and eh.. ya, I know them... and that also made everyone wondering who am I really. hahahahahahahahaha... So, ya... when my dad and/or my brother not around, goodness me.... there I go. I need to do all these.... I have disappeared myself for the past 20 over years and now... ha.. goodness... I just don't like it i think. My other more closer cousins keep on laughing at me becuase they do know I don't like that kind of thing but aiyo............. no choice!!!! Anyway, for some of you, for the matter of fact, of all things I just enjoy the whole evening because there's a roast LAMB. Remember my Roast LAMB? hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......

The other things around me? ha.... one conclusion: God is faithful and He listen to prayer. God did sent angles. Thanks, Lord!!!

- me? -