"Moodless"

Well, I am suffering this "moodless" motion for a few days now. People get confused of the meaning of "moodless" as some intepreted it as "No Mood" and some, "Moody" and some, didn't even know what it means. To me, it means I can not possibly feel any feeling or 'mood', that's what I call "Moodless". I am not sure what's the cause of it, but these few days, I just feel that I should just hide myself in office and home. I didn't have good moment these few days. I can't say I am not feeling happy because there is NOTHING wrong in my life at the moment and I can't say I am happy because it's simply NOTHING is going on very well in my life. A friend used to say "Life is predictable" everytime we asked him, "How's life". I didn't understand before but I do understand now of what that phrase means.

For the past 20 over years, my life was 'unpredictable'. Some people said we can control our lives, the way we lives, etc. But as for me, anything that usually won't happen in you, do has the possibility happening in my life. i.e. Sprained my back before I enter into an Exam hall for the toughest paper; Exam postponed because the premise suspected to have bomb; Shipped 2 cartoons of Cargos back to Malaysia and it never reached, etc. etc. I always struggles with life until I learned that, I can not possibly control my life no matter how hard I tried. So, from then on, those who knows me will recalled that I always says "My life is not in my hand". Honestly, there is nothing I can say besides recognising the existence and greatness of God once again.

"Moodless" : Since the day I left Kuala Lumpur and back to Sabah, life are 'unpredictable' as well as "predictable". I cannot foresee what kind of business is coming in, what sort of people I need to dealt with, how much I can earn each month, etc. etc. but I can expect to be able to sit in the office for hours without anything to do and also to plan what I want to do in the evening. So, if you ask me if I am doing fine, I will tell you I am but life is too predictable and I am losing the passion to face challenges. I need challenges and unpredictable life. But when it comes, will it bring me 'enjoyment'?

- moodless -

Unexpected Trip!

It was last month that I had decided to pay my parents a visit during our National Day holiday. After I purchased ticket only then I found out that my father and my brother are suppose to be in KK for a meeting. In a way, it is good also if I go back to home as my mom will be alone at home for a few days. So, I planned to go back and to relax.

Just an evening before I left, my brother assigned an assignment for me... to check out a good and reliable car for my parents. So, I took that assignment back home and for 2 days, I was checking cars and prices. Discussing with my mom without my dad and brother's presence. Besides sorting out that, I also had my own assignment, that is to meet up with my uncle with regards to my medical insurance. I got all that done on one trip. In addition to that, I was informed that I was back in a good timing because one of a distant relative / schoolmate / church friend is getting married on that particular Saturday. I was then so buy with all the functions. It's a wonderful gathering but it's tiring. After my dad came back from Kota Kinabalu on Saturday, we went to test drive a car and it's wonderful. I am still in th midst of deciding which car to get. I am still doing my proposal to my brother and let him do the final decision.

I did consulted one of my uncle and I guess what he adviced is good.. that the car is not for us, but for our parents. So, yes... I am leaving it to the Lord now.. hahaha...!!!

Really... this trip is really FUN!!!

Better to be known or not to be ?

It was a question I discussed when I was in England. The question of whether it is better if we are known by our family, i.e. someone's daughter, someone's sister or whether be in a family where no one knows us. This quesiton popped up in my mind because I noticed that we all came from a different family backgrounds and that has determined out life journey somehow, whether we like it or not. I personally, do not like to be know as someone's daughter or someone's sister. However, my parents are known to a lot of people at my town because they were teachers and they have teached many people. Everyone knows me because of them. No one knows my name. They only knows me by my face because they will regard me as So and So's daughter. I always feel that being someone's daughter or someone's sister is such a pressure and burden. To me, honestly it is. In addition to that, my town is a smal town and hence, I can never do something 'weird'. I have to be responsible for everything I do. So, I have to watch what I do, what and how I speak, how and what I should wear, etc. etc. I was at many times during my younger days, I almost cannot stand. I hate being at home and I would rather go out with friends, avoiding social functions and so on. So, it was a total relif when I left home. The most freedom I ever had was during my time in England. Not to say I do 'weird' things, but I just feel 'Free'. I guess I miss those feelings every single moment of my life... since the day I left England. In England, people knows me of who I am.... by my name... and that kind of feeling is just so different.

This morning, I walked in the church ... feeling good as although this is a small church, but no one knows me and not only that, I just feel so good to be able to come to church service this morning. As I walked in, I saw someone familiar and he was looking at me and yes... I recognise him, one of the church member back home. Without any delay, I walked to him and shook his hand. The first thing he asked was, "Are you not So and So's daughter?" I have no choice but to say, "Yes I am". Well, ... the feeling is really not very 'sweat'. I hate to be recognised like that. I would rather being recognised as who I am. After the encounter, I left to get myself ready to worship the Lord. As I was standing in front of the stage, this question came across my mind... as to whether it is better to be known as So and So's daughter at this point. That church member, honestly is someone that can give me works and business. I failed to pass him my business card because I felt so bad when he asked me if I am So and So's daughter. I could have continue with telling him that I have my own business now and may be he can consider passing files to me, etc.

As my mind wander into that point... i realise that not only him that I put off my chances to get files. I have really failed to approach people that know me as "So and So's daughter" and "So and So's sister". So, ... is it better to be known as myself or by other means?

- Who Am I? -