'Weird' ...

It has been for a long time now that I did not have any duty on Sunday in the church. I felt weird since last night as I normally preparing myself on Saturday evening for my duty on Sunday. But yesterday, I just felt so .... not to say 'free', but... just weird.... !!! I lent my laptop to a friend to be used in the Youth fellowship and because of that, I felt part of me was not with me. Well, I just felt 'weird' the whole evening to be exact!!!

I didn't have a good rest last night even though I went to bed quite early yesterday evening. I was suppose to wake up at 8:15am this morning but I woke up at about 7am. I am not quite sure the reason though. I did however stayed in bed until 8:15am then got myself ready for church service. I arrived at 8:50am. Met a pastor when I arrived and she was shock that I have a day off today. She said she never saw me not having any duty on Sunday and today, it's the first time seeing me without any duty. Hmm... I wonder when was the last time I was having my day off. Well... walked in, I found besides the worship team, I know no one and I found no one to sit with ... except a friend who always sits by himself. So I went and sat besides him.

While I was sitting in there in the church throughout the whole service, my mind wander around... I wonder how difficult it is to be in the church alone. Just like my friend here whom I sat with. He is new in the church. He doesn't know most of the people and so did I. I probably came about 3 to 4 months earlier than him. I am just like him actually... I know not many people in the church. It's really not easy to adapt and to get to know as many people as possible. I have taken just a few weeks before I got to know a bunch of friends in church. Thanks to a few of them who really made differences in my life. I am considered as 'passive' in my character, but when I come into these kind of situation, I really forced myself to adapt.

Some people I met in church has brought me joy. But these few months, no doubt, I went through not only joy, but also sadness, disappointment, discouragement, etc. etc. Friends whom I know less than a year told me I always hurt people with my words. I admit to it because I truely do not know how to deal and talk to some really 'new' people. They are new to me. I mean, the way they think, the way they talk, the way they commit on things, etc. I saw my limited ability to deal with them. Lately, I felt too tired to deal and I think I have in many ways, hurted a few because of my 'tiredness' to deal. These week, I was hurt, truely hurted by words they said.

So this morning, while I was sitting in church and wondering about church, about committment, about friends, about brothers and sisters, it's just 'weird' when my heart, mind and soul failed to come into 'agreement'. Yes. I have mixtures of feelings of all things that had happen to me. Tonight, I was having dinner with my grand aunty and her family. She reminded me that have been here in this new place for almost a year. It's shocking how time flies... and how things changed at my end. To be very frank, I don't think I am happy nor satisfied, nor agree with most of the things I done it for the past MONTHS in this new place. I have truely failed myself in every area of my life.

Hmm... may be it is just a feeling.. but I felt just like a total 'failure'.

- failed to be myself -