Ambition

A friend holds a very high post in her organisation and is one of the significant people in her organisation, and I can feel that she is contented with her achievement, but she always tells me that she wishes she can achieve more and better.  

A few of my friends have been a consultant in the medical fields and not only that they are specialist, but also consulting specialists, and one is also a professor at the university.  A friend is a professor who heads a department at a well-known university in the UK, overseeing the whole department.  Most of my coursemates who graduated with me are now the Senior legal manager of some very big and well-known companies across the globe.  Every time I speak with them, I feel significantly small and useless.  Well, at least that's what the world definition is if we measure our success by our achievement.  To some even being able to get married and have children is part of the definition of success.  

It is probably how the world or rather the majority of people in this world measure success and how life is to be lived in this world.  Being the minority, we can sometimes feel that we are different and not being accepted by others.  Every single human being somehow tried their very best to earn acceptance and respect from others, and somehow, by their own definition, their recognition seems to be measured by popularity and therefore, by all means, human has tried their very best, by using all sorts of methods, trying to gain popularity so they can be recognised and defined as 'successful'.  

I am not trying to mock the success of those who really have put their sweat and blood to earn it from others because I do not have any.  I respect and recognised the sacrifices made by many people in achieving milestones after milestones in their life and be recognised and successful in their lives.  

What I want to say today is that how I wish we all put the same amount of efforts, sweat and blood trying to achieve the recognition and achievement that is defined in God's definition.  In my humble opinion, trying to proves our intelligent with others, trying to argue the thesis and win the approval of man, trying to be the top student or the top employee or the best or richest companies in the world and trying to have the perfect family, and being the richest in the world, but has failed to get approval and recognition by God is futile in achieving the best success in life.  

I am not here to judge others or even myself.  I am here to remind myself that, no matter how much I want to achieve things and how ambitious I can be, but it is not His will, even if I achieved it, it is by my own efforts, that will means it is not in accordance with His will and approval.  I am not a very ambitious person.  In the past years, people asked what I want to achieve, I can tell you, my answer is always, "I just want to walk everyday like my last but everyday to be used by God in His will".  I am not ambitious to be famous or rich. I just want to live a life that I do not have to worry about tomorrow because I know that my life is in His hand.  It hasn't been an easy journey to just trust in Him and let Him guide me through everyday, but over the past 10 years since I took over the firm, God has not in a single month did not provide me and those working with me sufficient fund to survives.  Even during this year, God has provided more than sufficient for us.  

What do I want to achieve in the coming years? I wish He can tell me so I can prepare earlier.  Well, I guess I just need to take my step of faith step by step and see what He installed for me to walk through. 

The famous and richness are not for me.  Those, I am very sure that will not satisfy my soul.  This year, I am well reminded that spending time with Him like Martha, is the only way that my soul be satisfied.  May my desire to know Him and to continue to be close to Him remain forever and ever. That's my only ambition. 

- Ambition - 

Be faithful and fruitful.

I am very bad in any kind of relationship.  I am bad in mother-daughter relationship, very bad with friends, very bad with work colleagues, etc. etc.  Establishing a good and steady relationship to me is tiring and it's NOT worth it.  That's generally my mentality.  It's been 3 months since my mother is staying with me here in KK and I have had numerous occasions trying to win an argument with her because I just think she's too stubborn and at the same time, too rigid in her daily requirements about almost everything.  In short, I do not want to follow her ways.  I want mine to enforced too.  Well, as you can guess, it's not going to work well. Glad that as much as I hate hurting her in any way, she's too worried that she will upset me.  

Keeping a relationship is difficult for me.  This year, I have a trial run about 'keeping a relationship' with a few text messages a day with a friend who stays oversea. Of course, we can call each other pretty easily these days with skype, zoom, facetime, etc.  But that's not what we have been doing.  I don't remember having a long period of time without us texting each other.  Almost every day, we would text each other, even with time differences.  It's interesting of how a relationship is kept by just a simple 'text' every day because my friend is a very important person in her organisation and she is very busy at work and so, we keep the messages short, but without fail.  

Besides the above relationship, I realised, I have been doing the same with God. I have been using some guides in my reading these days.  It's not for daily devotion. It's for bible reading.  Some days, the reading is only 5 verses and some, it's 2 chapters but I have been keeping that daily 'conversation' going on every day without fail.  It's interesting that relationship is to be like this, to be short, but without fail.  To be meaningful, heart to heart, consistently, without fail.  I am on a book of Daniel, on the lesson of Daniel being thrown into the Lion dan and the reading for the first time it put my view parallel to Jesus Christ, where King Darius was like Pontius Pilate.  Anyhow, it all about being faithful and fruitful.  

Therefore, I have been pondering over my own commitment to the Lord.  In my work, in my future, I want to be faithful and fruitful too as the one that I am serving is a living God, the God who gives judgment and the God who will bless and sustain those who are faithful, even with the future is so bleak at the moment.  Lord, in whatever circumstances, help me to be faithful and fruitful (in whatever I do, including keeping my relationship with God), just like Daniel. 

- be faithful and fruitful - 

Not be defile ...

 People in Sabah has been feeling dissatisfied, furious and lost over the past few weeks, ever since the previous government was being sabotaged, the needs of being in the election and then lost to the current government.  The fear, the agony, the anguish and depression of the people are mainly on whether Sabah will be able to retain their States' rights after the new government is said to be controlled by the Federal Government.  Many are worried and that drives them to put their worries and anguished into action and words, which to me is highly unnecessary.  

I was furious and depressed yesterday when I was being disturbed by noise constantly for days after my new neighbour moved in and my usual neighbour who is doing renovation day and night continued with his projects and continue to make lots of noise.  I was unable to work, to sleep, to read, to watch tv and do whatever I need and want to for me to calm myself down.  I rant in the Instagram post saying, "my current thought: I wish my neighbours caught COVID and died".  Most people saw the post knew I was just annoyed and keep laughing at me for making that statement and there's no way I meant it.  Well, they know me well and some texted to say they understand and they said they will pray for me so I won't breakdown, etc.  Thank God to have friends like them who remind me that, those words are not supposed to be out of my mouth at all.  Well, it's just a thought I might claim, but no, it is not.  

What shocked me was, a Pastor texted me and said, "I wish that for the current government".  

I was reading Daniel Chapter 1: 1-7 then when the message came through.  I got a shock and wonder, how easy it is for us to see that this world or even this State is without its future because of the current ruling governments which are not respecting Christianity or other religion and the worse when they started to let an Islamic extremist political party enter Sabah's cabinet.  Are we supposed to be fearful and worry? We do.  But does that give us the rights and excuses to defiled ourselves?  As I read on Daniel (I just finished Revelation and starting with the book of Daniel yesterday), I am reminded that Daniel growing up in the ruling of King Josiah and he was captured by the Babylonian King to serve Him, which was not what he wishes to do.  He put his feet down, hold on to God, and won the approval and favour of God and man (the King) because he did not defile himself by the earthly rules and god.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do too? However these politician is to rule this state and this country, it is up to them, but we are to keep our soul, our mind, our heart, and our might in serving the Lord, regardless how the laws in Malaysia is.  It is how we nurture the children and youth now to walk in the Lord, so they know how to face the future, even though it can become a very Islamic state or country a few years later.  It is this that we are to focus on and not to curse the leaders. 

I wish that "God gave" ... what His people need in facing the future, just like how "He gave" to Daniel and his 3 friends.  

Let's not defile ourselves in sharing the 'fellowship' with those who do not belong to the Lord.  

- Do not defile yourself -