What can annoys me the most?

Most people only understand that I am emotional at most of the time.  None understand that most of the time, they are the one who annoys me to the max.  I hardly react to annoyance, to be honest.  When I reacted, people thought, I am emotional.  Well, that's explainable because when the annoyance reaches the limit, I just reacted and my sudden reaction is therefore deemed to be 'emotional'. 

Seriously, those who knows me well knows that I don't react to things, or scold people or angry or started to throw things most of the time.  Sometimes, they think I will be angry, I didn't.  Sometimes, they think that situation will make me scold people, I don't.  Many times, those who are close to me find my calm reaction as 'unusual'.  But no.  Most of the time, the usual reaction was when I reacted to the annoyance at my maximum level.  Hence, I told people, stop challenging me.

Having a pupil is the greatest challenge I ever had.  Not that I do not teach or I am not willing to teach or to retain my pupil after their pupillage.  It's how the person's attitudes in learning.  During my pupillage, besides my bosses, I do have a few seniors who are my friends and uni-friends too.  I have learned to respect them as my seniors and I work (and not study) like I working for my bosses.  I never treat my bosses as friends, nor do works with attitudes (choose what you want to learn and not want to learn and what you like to do, what not), and I don't keep asking questions like I did when I was in Uni time.  In fact, I never did.  I studied and find out and took the extra efforts to learn.  That's why I never have a 'precedent' to follow because I checked through the Rules and the Forms accordingly.  In other words, I did my own research.  When my bosses asked me to read 7 books within a day while I have 3 more bosses' works in the line, I didn't say NO.  I said I will try and I did read up and had a good discussion the next day.  What I sacrificed?  My sleep.  Is it worth it? it is!  People will never understand the corporate world more than I do in Sabah these days.  The knowledge and the experiences I gained, it's mine forever. 

My pupil loves to ask around.  Never check things, but ask first.  Despite the fact that I asked her not to do so many times, she keeps doing it.  For researches I asked for, none is done during the 12 months pupillage.  What did she do most of the evenings? of course to hang out with friends, had some drinks, a nice dinner, church activities, and sleeps.  Treating pupillage as part of her uni time.  For people who don't like to learn, I find it reluctant to teach.

I have to admit that I gave up teaching her after so much attempts taken.  She expects to work like a clerk or office boy who just follow instruction, don't use her brain and just sit there, not moving. Even though she drafted a letter, she will expect I go sign the letter, without her having the trouble to bring up for me to sign it.  She expects that she is the boss and I am her clerk.  That's the impression I get every single day. For issues I wanted her to think about as a lawyer, there's none success so far.

Upon many excuses I tried to give myself, including discussion the matters with other senior lawyers, everyone gave me a conclusion, that she just wants to be Called to the Bar, and not practising as a lawyer.  I do not know if this is true.  But having such person in the Bar, I foresee, I am contributing to the incompetent of lawyers in this society. 

Seriously, deep down in my heart, I wish her all the best in her building her career.  On the other hand, I really wish she is humble enough to learn.  My greatest regret in this whole process is that I didn't know she has attitudes problems and I took her in thinking she can be a great help.  She obviously didn't and her presence has caused so much difficulties to the firm and to my life.  I am glad somehow that her pupillage is over and she told me she is leaving on the exact day before I can offer her a place.  I guess God knows best what's best for me.

What can annoys me the most? People's attitudes!

- What can annoys me the most? -

Right or Wrong, why do I care?

Many years ago, I remember my brother reminded me that, I cannot use the standard my parents taught me to expect things and people to be the same as we were taught.  He labelled the way we we taught and the way we grew up were almost perfect.  It was a small matter than, but as I grew up and faces different people from different background and cultures, I realised not that I need to learn to distinguish between what I can compromise, and what I cannot. 

I was depressed.  Very depressed because I hold tight on certain principles in life and not only that I cannot disagree with how others respond and handle the situation and matter, I also cannot compromise AT ALL.  Who suffer? I do. 

Was I too harsh to pinpoint the wrong doing of my sister, Leane, whom I love? After sharing the burden with a friend who always encourage me in my daily struggles, she scolded me being 'stupid' for not knowing that she left my life because through my life, she realised how imperfect she is.  I only know that we were of different level, but i didn't realised she's ashamed because I said things rightful about her sin.  No one, at least not many.... would be able to accept that others said something right after some secret and sinful sin they committed. 

I was reminded on last week's sermon.  Again, i heard my dad telling me, "according to the bible, as a spiritual leader, what you did was right.  you didn't do anything wrong".  This was told when I couldn't compromised on certain activities and actions of two christians couples.  Again, this time, it happens again, unfortunately, to my dearest sister.  Sad, but unfortunately, I wasn't able to compromise because that's what I couldn't compromise about, not just the action or her lies, but I couldn't and will not compromise to the sin.  I disagree that this sin be committed on people who stays in my place, who under my care and coverage.  Thank you Bishop John for reminding me by looking at my eyes and told me once again, "no, as a sister in Christ and as a spiritual leader, i did not do anything wrong to try my best to make sure her path is straight".  But that's it.  Since she quoted that even her parents are agreeable to what she did, I know i do not need to care or cover her anymore. I released myself from taking care of her even though it's so painful to do so.  I am upset.  I upset that I lost the battle, I lost her to Satan.  I angry with myself and I angry that she didn't even fight.  I was furious in fact.  But I still pray that God will have mercy on her and that she is still cover under the wings of God.  For now, I need to be released for a greater works than focus on the 0.001% lost souls in the world. 

Thank you Lord.... for telling me once again, it's not my fault.  It's just that it's not what I should compromise. 

- right or wrong, why do i care? -

Moving... slowly...!

Few years ago, when major depression struck, music was the only thing that can calm me or make me feel better.  This time, it's watching Grey's Anatomy from Season 1 until Season 13 (waiting for Season 14).  So much 'healing' .... as if the whole world is 'back'.  I was the one who was chasing after this TV dramas ... from season to season...... and i felt so much that someone would understand me better .... and yes, 'level' of understanding on culture, professionalism, etc. etc... just got me back on track to know who I really is.....

This GE14 made me understand more on how low level and understanding this society is, one which i can hardly cope.  No. England and elsewhere is not any 'better', if i am not with this group of same level people in my world.  Even 'my person' is not even of the level that i can talk to, or chill with, or share life with.  It's just different level and I started to realised, until and unless i get out from this group of people's circle, i will not be able to find myself again.

From series to series.... and i realised, my issue .... the biggest issue of me pushing people away, before they did or they might not have the intention to is because of abandonment issue I have all alone since birth.  There are a few occasions that leads and contributes to this.... and until and unless someone really loves me will be able to see it and helped me.... i know, i will have no way to get over with this pain and suffering.... The fear of losing my love one, always turned out that, i lose them anyway.... so, yup.... be it i don't like it, i will still lose them no matter how.  So, I need to make sure that i don't open up that wounds and being lost again another time in the future.  Distance is what i need.... friend is not what i need.. being alone is what i need.. and no intimate relationship is what i truly need. So, yes...... that's me... not loveable and a terrible soul. 

- Moving .... slowing ...! -