It's time .... to call 'STOP' ... for me to continue loving others. It's just too hard and too hard and very hard. People just don't get along naturally. Some, demand a lot from me. Some, gave a lot.... and yet some, just being neutral. Some complain to me and question me why I love A and B and C since they are not perfect. Some, complain, i should stop loving people who took me for granted. It's just hard to balance.
I have been TRYING very hard to love those who are not lovable for years. That's the heart of a shepherd i guess.... that God has installed in me. After not being a cell leader for years now, I am still trying my best to not let my sheep stray away from the Lord. Be it the church is not lovable by many, I am trying to maintain that, the church is not, but God is. I am still bringing my sheep back to the LORD and not the church. I get around with them in the 'working world' and I am getting with them and trying to help me whenever I am able to. At some point of time, I forgot, when and where to draw the line (I never have drawn any before until one day, I did.... for protection purposes).
I seriously don't mind people taking me for granted. How much can they take from me? I am so limited with knowledge, finances and time. So, it is ok to take me for granted. I am more concern about they have hurt me in the way i couldn't contain.
Many came in and went out.... of my life. They only need me and love me the way they want me to be, not the way i am. Something, I cannot perform at all. I am who i am. I love those who are not lovable. I let people took me for granted. I go all out to help others. Not all, understood that my heart and my sprit within me. Instead of loving me of who I am, almost everyone is forcing me to be someone they desire. I am sorry to let you down. I am not perfect and I am definitely cannot change myself to be someone you can love. If it is too hard for you, you may exit.
- It's time... -
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Sunday, August 02, 2015
To love again?
Today's sermon was about being in service for God. The topic is in conjunction with the Diocese Welfare/mission month and in order to encourage us to go for mission, the priest spoken about love. Just this morning, I was reminded that... "i need to be careful in loving". That's because I always get hurt at the end, or.... I will end up being very vulnerable and depressed.
It wasn't easy indeed to have a group of people i hold dear, gather together for drinks and fellowship. I will definitely setting a boundaries and say "no" to any invitation if this happen to be few years ago. I am not sure who started this, but definitely not me who initiate .... First, with Danny and Jenny who 'disturb' my peace once in a blue moon by jenny insisted to stay at my place for TV and Danny and I went for pool games. Then Siew May and Vui Theng who bugs me once every few weeks after Danny and Jenny has left. Then I have no idea how does 38 group started and I was being added.
It took quite an efforts to get close to the 38 group. As skeptical as I am, nothing goes without any suspicions and I am always keeping a 'boundary' and still, didn't share much about myself. All these, for a reason - stay away so I don't get hurt AGAIN.
To ask me to love again seems to be something very difficult to do. Even though someone think it runs in my blood and I just couldn't stop loving others more than myself. And they also think, getting hurt is definitely something I cannot get away with. So, even with that 'warning', i am telling myself, I will do what I can to minimise the 'severity of hurts' I will be getting.
The last time I love others and the church and Christ to the fullest, was probably the last time I will love as such. It still hurt somehow, when I was reminded by church sermons today. Indeed, it really need a huge efforts to overcome this.
I am amazed by some who really put a lot of efforts on me. I really and truly appreciate this. I guess, only being loved, only than I love again? But I guess my expectation toward love somehow, gets higher.... and it's really not as easy as telling me that you love me anymore.
I wonder... If i can step out of the comfort zone once again...
- to love again? -
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Out of the comfort zone!
Getting out of the comfort zone, be it in my work place or in home or my daily routine lifestyle.... take a lot of efforts. It's not as easy as 1, 2, 3 ... in fact, to lift up that first step and place it in the 'non-comfort zone' do need a huge amount of energy, sacrifices, pain and suffering.....
It might not be a 'problem' for anyone who is always expressive. However, it is definitely MY problem. You won't find me telling you I love you, even if i do, a lot and you can feel that I do. Vice versa.... I won't tell you out of your face that I do not want to see you.
It's hard, for me... when clients requested me to visit them in Xiamen, China. I refused. But they insisted. I couldn't see the purpose of going there, but they insisted. After a few weeks of trying, I asked a friend to go with me and clients agreed to bear costs either. So, we went. I am seriously glad that she went with me. She's not only a PA (personal assistant), she is very encouraging, easy to deal with, very relaxing and comforting friend. I wouldn't know what I will be if not because of her. She certainly has made me feel better when I got scolded so badly by all the parties over some misunderstanding they themselves created. Heated arguments between the two parties has somehow made one party put me on the 'plate' and it got worse each day.... I would have just board a plane and left the bloody place if not because she was trying to calm me down, cheers me up to face every single day's challenges. When everyone wants to make me drink alcohol, she finished them all for me, knowing that, I wouldn't be able to get that done myself.
We would just get out of our room, sneak out the hotel and went for an ice cream and a walk after a bad long day. Giving me a pat on my shoulder is what she did when she sensed that I am almost standing up on my feet, wanted to point my finger and start scolding everyone. I would say, it's certainly one good decision made to brought her along this trip. God must be hearing my prayers.... made her quit her job on time... for this trip. hahahaha....
Each night.... one of our must have conversation is, whether we should just stop by HK just to chill. Being very co-operative, she goes with whatever decision I made. I have been saying "NO" until when we boarded the plane from Xiamen to HK (delayed by 1 1/2 hours). I told client's daughter in law sitting on my left first that we are stopping by HK before I told her we are stopping by HK. She was cool about it. Making the stay more worth it, she won a prize of HKD1000 dining voucher. She brought me to the Japanese place, ate an expensive oysters and Wayu beef and let me share her frozen beer (Grapes). I let her planned the evening and she let me plan the next day.
Most of the time, we don't need to speak much.... she's like someone who can read my mind. When I saw a cartoon bag, i looked at her, she is already laughing.... and she told me, 'she saw and she knows what i wanna say'. Well, it's weird.... a short few days.... from an 'uncomfortable' non close friend.... we became friend that we can share jokes, pain and all with.
- out of the comfort zone -
It might not be a 'problem' for anyone who is always expressive. However, it is definitely MY problem. You won't find me telling you I love you, even if i do, a lot and you can feel that I do. Vice versa.... I won't tell you out of your face that I do not want to see you.
It's hard, for me... when clients requested me to visit them in Xiamen, China. I refused. But they insisted. I couldn't see the purpose of going there, but they insisted. After a few weeks of trying, I asked a friend to go with me and clients agreed to bear costs either. So, we went. I am seriously glad that she went with me. She's not only a PA (personal assistant), she is very encouraging, easy to deal with, very relaxing and comforting friend. I wouldn't know what I will be if not because of her. She certainly has made me feel better when I got scolded so badly by all the parties over some misunderstanding they themselves created. Heated arguments between the two parties has somehow made one party put me on the 'plate' and it got worse each day.... I would have just board a plane and left the bloody place if not because she was trying to calm me down, cheers me up to face every single day's challenges. When everyone wants to make me drink alcohol, she finished them all for me, knowing that, I wouldn't be able to get that done myself.
We would just get out of our room, sneak out the hotel and went for an ice cream and a walk after a bad long day. Giving me a pat on my shoulder is what she did when she sensed that I am almost standing up on my feet, wanted to point my finger and start scolding everyone. I would say, it's certainly one good decision made to brought her along this trip. God must be hearing my prayers.... made her quit her job on time... for this trip. hahahaha....
Each night.... one of our must have conversation is, whether we should just stop by HK just to chill. Being very co-operative, she goes with whatever decision I made. I have been saying "NO" until when we boarded the plane from Xiamen to HK (delayed by 1 1/2 hours). I told client's daughter in law sitting on my left first that we are stopping by HK before I told her we are stopping by HK. She was cool about it. Making the stay more worth it, she won a prize of HKD1000 dining voucher. She brought me to the Japanese place, ate an expensive oysters and Wayu beef and let me share her frozen beer (Grapes). I let her planned the evening and she let me plan the next day.
Most of the time, we don't need to speak much.... she's like someone who can read my mind. When I saw a cartoon bag, i looked at her, she is already laughing.... and she told me, 'she saw and she knows what i wanna say'. Well, it's weird.... a short few days.... from an 'uncomfortable' non close friend.... we became friend that we can share jokes, pain and all with.
- out of the comfort zone -
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