What I didn't know....

I woke up quite early this morning and after packing and all, I went in to office to sort out some works since I wasn't at office yesterday afternoon.  Hunger strikes me badly this morning.... and so, instead of driving out, I went to E-west café lounge which is just nearby.  Sat down, ordered and start reading what I need to.  When my meal came, I quickly start eating... then suddenly, three woman came in and when I look up, I saw them pointing at me and one shouted, "Hey, Pei San.... how are you?", then the other one tell another one that I am a former student of St.Patrick, etc.  Then I realised, out of 3, 2 of them who knew me, one was my teacher (and my parents' friend whom I also very close with since baby.... and definitely close to her 2 daughters), another one whom also my parents' friend whom I know and attending CCL and the other one, I do not know at all.  I was told she used to teach in St.Patrick school way before I attended secondary school.  So, they are having their gathering. 
While I was finishing my meal, another one walked in.  I didn't know all these teachers can remember seriously..... but from a far when she saw me, she called out my name.  I got a shock.  Oh well, I guess there after, the closest to our family's teacher told them my parents' condition and all as suddenly, I realised them looked at my direction for a few seconds. hahahaha...  I guess they must be thinking why am i eating alone. hahahahahahaha.... 
Oh well, ... I am never a 'famous' student to anyone.  I do not think i am outstanding in any area of my life.  Worse still, I never excel in my studies and I can be so 'famous' in my -10 marks math exam and accounting. hahahahahahahahahah....  I am not like my brother whom he can expect every teachers know who he is because he is really good in academic, in sports, in arts, in everything he did.
But what i didn't know is that.... after so many years, teachers still remember my name? Oh wow....  I better be good. hahahahaha....
- What I didn't know... -

Love

It is a word I have failed to describe nor feel it for the past few years.  The 'to love others' button somehow has been deleted by the 'programmer'.  By default, anyone, everyone who comes and tell me that they love me, they will not get any respond from me. I won't be able to feel it too.  No matter how much one do anything for me or to me, ... they will get no respond from me.  Be it it's so romantic, it's so touching.... it's just not going to touch my heart.  That's how 'wounded' I was and am.
I do appreciate (logically) what they all did to and for me in the past.  But deep down in my heart, it's just.... 'untouchable'. A way to protect myself from being hurt again may be?
Having said that, there are few people nevertheless think they 'received' unexpectedly from me throughout the past few years too.  Whereas, some people who has the expectation that I will be good to them, they are much hurt by my unexpected reaction.  I guess, my heart has changed (not very sure for better or for worse).
It was quite an unexpected experience in the past few months though where both fear to love and the fear to be loved came at the same time.  Challenging my heart to open up (seriously not sure open up for being loved or for being hurt and that's the fearful part).  I don't think I have the confidence in human being anymore.  I call it an adventures ride.
I keep reminding myself it's not difficult for me to love someone or make someone feel loved. But it is definitely difficult for me to open up myself to let someone to make me feel loved. It's challenging for people and in order for me to feel loved, they really need to put up really lots of efforts.  Over the years, I know with my heart and mind of so many others who are out there who have put up a lot of efforts to love me.  I appreciate that.  I know hard it is for them.  Thanks for bearing all these with me.
Seriously, I am trying very hard at my end to accept "I am being loved".  I hope I don't make anyone of you feel discouraged, rejected and hurt.
Thanks for the one who made extra efforts to make me miss you all the time.  Somehow, this has made my heart exercise a bit more than usual.
- Love -

Contradiction!

When I was deciding which course I should study after SPM, my mom disagree with most of my suggestion, except law.  However, throughout the years, she has been worry about me as I am not a smart kid at all.  So, I struggled through my degree, CLP, etc. And now that I am a practising lawyer, she is worry why am I taking up litigation matters instead of doing just what all the Tawau lawyers are doing, conveyancing matters. Her worry is substantial when she realised what sorts of people I am dealing with and what sorts of people I am suing.  hahahahahahaha.....
Well, I can be bias and being fearful all the time for not wanting to be 'known' and not wanting to hurt certain parties, can I? That's what 'upholding' justice means, isn't it? (well, is there something call upholding justice in Malaysia legal system?)  And yes, that's one of the reason why no one should attach with me too closely these days.  My life is in danger all the time.
Now that I wanted to study LL.M to get out from all these, my mom again worry about me as to whether I am able to handle both works and studies. 
I don't know if she is feeling more 'guilty' or worry over her own decision or mine these days. Seriously it is bothering me. What's bothering to be exact? People's expectation, what others want from me.  I just feel pressure....
This feeling has been with me ever since I was a kid then..... no one ever being supportive of my decision ever. NEVER EVER I get the 'Yes' answer... from my brother, from my mom..... and I am still suffering from it today. Damn!
- Contradiction! -