Silence

Jonathan Tse posted a phrase stated "silence is the the wise move" and I commented that it won't be for someone who is being neglected and forgotten. Well, I guess it all goes back to Eccle. in the bible that there's always best timing for everything, that includes being silence and not being silence. I am a forgotten soul in the family. Everyone loves my brother but no one likes me because to all, I am not thinking like an ordinary person and I am not acting like an ordinary person. I remember Andy and Cindy told me that they can't seems to understand my thinking at all. It's that bad.... well, it probably because of the experiences I have that accumulated over the years that made my thinking to be ... different.

Silence, is at most of the time good... but not all the time. Sometimes, by keeping silence and acting in silence, it will cause things to be fatal. I.e. I wouldn't want to tell a soul if i am killing myself now. Furthermore, I won't tell anyone if I am dying... I won't want to tell anyone if I lonely after knowing that making them to be with me means taking their joy away. Joy, is something I misses a lot... and by taking that away from someone would be devastating... and it's going to be last thing I will do.

So, after much efforts and after being treated by silence, I know I am not wanted and there's no one who is willing to be with me at all. By being with me they won't have joy. And so, I have started to love the silence... just because when I cannot change the things that cannot be changed, the only way is to try learning it and embrace it... love it.

Everyone knows... I rather everyone else to be happy than I am happy... and this principles... and characters are from my dad.... and so, I am ok with no one to be around.... I will be ok.... after all, I am sure all these won't last long...

-Silence-

Pushing away?

"We are not trying to leave you, but you are pushing us away". A phrase I remember until today... It's truth. That's what everyone who has depression will do, i.e. trying to push everyone away. But if you really care, would you stay or leave? Well, it's correct... I am trying to push everyone away. EVERYONE .. that's what I mean. I love the silence which I hate dealing with for months. But after getting more and more each day, I am getting used to it.. and I started to love it. Hence, breaking the 'silence' now, will kills me and I might not be able to handle it.

Ya.. am trying to push everyone away....

- Pushing away? -

Take it easy!

Again, I have been offered a part time job, to do teaching. Teaching A Level law subject. Seriously, I love teaching and I have been waiting for this moment to come for a long long time now. But when it comes, I wonder now, if I am able to take it. Simply because I now have to take good care of myself, my parents, my businesses, my health, etc. I am afraid I won't be able to cope with the amount of stress I have already in my hand.

So I take things easy. I told the principal 3 times that I have to reject his offer, be it the salary is high. I need to only focus on one thing at one time now, i.e. my firm. I have 2 staffs under me which I need to make sure they are paid every month for their hard works. My responsibility towards them, towards my parents are very high at the moment. So, I can't seems to take 'challenge' easily. My phone has been a terrible tool for me since last year. I believe it was the hard fall one day when I got down from the car and I forgot the phone was on my lap. It fell so hard on the floor that it should have damaged the antenna. Thereafter, all receptions is bad. In additional to that, it always restart by itself or can't receive full messages people sent me, etc. If you happen trying to call me for the past few months, you will realised how hard it is to get through the line. Yesterday was the worse time when I need to restart my phone for 8 times and I didn't manage to use the phone for at least 32 hours. Without hesitation, I walked in the Maxis and took the new BB9900, paid for it, signed a few papers and walked off from it. Transferred from the old phone to the new one is just less than 15 minutes and I am glad I am now using then new one without any problem so far.

I realised I can't tolerant to uncertainty, problems, delay, etc. I need things to be in order NOW and not later. I do not want extra or unnecessary stress. My life has changed a lot ever since these months. I started to enjoy life being alone again... Now I get more visitor because I am staying alone.

I am trying to relax and take things easy. Am I worry about whether I have income next month? Well.... compare to the previous me, I have less worry because even without working, God has blessed me, what more ... now? I am sure He has taken care of everything already.

- Take it easy!-