Moving or not moving...

 "Do you love me, Pei San?".  That's what I have been hearing the whole 40 days of fast and prayer and on Easter day.  "If you do, tend my sheep and feed my lamb".  I wonder what it means because there's only so much I can offer from my plate as I am not in any capacity to do anything in that category - feeding or tending sheep or lamb.  

But I do know that God is probably asking me to take that little step of faith to someplace I don't like to be at this moment, attending to people I do not like.  Facing my giant is probably a more suitable description for my current situation.  God probably has always placed Europe in my heart, but I don't understand why He put me in the legal profession for the past 25 to 30 years and never send me there then.  Worse still, when Europe is in such a chaotic situation (covid, wars) and why now?  I was sharing with a missionary friend and she enlighten me and said, God must have His purpose for training you so many years for a reason and I probably will only know after I took the first step of faith.  It's hard.  Even if the priest in charge told me that it is not easy to leave my mom behind as she is in her old age.  But I know her heart wanted me to be used by God greatly in His kingdom.  I know she wants me to obey God and do everything that pleases God too.  It's hard, but it is not impossible.  If this is His call, He will prepare.  

Waiting for an answer is probably the hardest thing to do in life.  It's been 2 weeks and I am still waiting for an answer.  Lord, what are you saying?  My heart is still not ready?

- Moving or not moving... '

Calling or Not?

 Just how much am I willing to go to any field that's selected by others?

Oh well, a question that I have been asking for the past 1 month.  Is it an issue with willingness and submission? Did I just re-visit Jonah's life again? or is it just not what God calls me for?

Since the beginning of my 'searching for field' journey, I was very sure that I told the field leader that I have a calling for a certain group of people, certain places and certain ministries.  But the past few weeks, she has been sending me lots of places and fields and ministries that are totally outside of what I told her.  I get the idea.  She wants to make sure what I told her was really what God calls me for.  By giving me lots of options, she is hoping that I discern wrongly of the calling and I probably am better in another place.  I get it.  But that's not helpful and I am totally feeling that I am rejected by them, if not God.  I always think that if it is God who wants me to do it, He will open up the door for me.  But these few weeks if not months, I am not seeing that any door is opening and in fact, the door was opened but then it was shut down when I said yes to it. 

I am very much discouraged and I am very much thinking of giving up and just sticking to the old life and old me. He doesn't need me to begin with, what more... He is not opening up the door (which shoes that He doesn't want me to serve Him anyway). So yes... 

I am not going to take another move.  I am not going to discuss the matter further with anyone including the field leader.  I am going to just keep quiet.  If He wants me to do it or take a step forward, let Him start the conversation and open up something for me to go through. 

Calling or not, seriously, I am not bothering.  After all, even with the calling, the door is not open, I can't do much anyway. 

Oh well, yes. I am THIS discouraged. 

But still, know that He is God. 

- Calling or Not? -

Calling

I had a good talk with the OM Field Leader and Personnel this afternoon.   It was a good and relaxing talk.  There's so much to learn from them.  I like how they are so willing and able to help others to see what they are good at and to use the same to reach out to others.  As we talked and shared, I think they probably know what I am good at better than I know myself.  I am not hurrying to go into a field, but they are and they wish I can go to one soon to what they call, to 'experience the goodness that I will remember throughout my life time'.  They agreed that I probably end up doing lots of admin and HR works and they have no doubt, but for the next few months or 2 years, they wants me to go into a field to experience before I set in to do just HR and admin works. 

I have been trying to avoid the conversation about the REACH programme.  But somehow, someone brought that out and we talked about the programme in another country of my desire.  I checked online afterwards and it's back to REACH UK. SERIOUSLY? I asked God and myself, UK again? and Birmingham? He places in my heart many many years ago about reaching out to the people settling down in the UK.  Birmingham is probably one of the places I have not visited since Uni time and I do not plan to go again because I really do not like that place at all.  Midland is not somewhere I like to be at all and with all the blacks and Asians around, I got to say, I do not want to go back to Birmingham ever again. But REACH UK has a programme in Birmingham from September 2022 until March 2023.  Which is the right fit for my timing.  SERIOUSLY?  Birmingham and UK? where Covid seems .... everywhere and unsafe right now? 

Lord, please tell me... 

- Calling -