World or God?

“I don’t have a friend”.  “I am a rejected soul”.  That’s generally what I tell people, especially to those whom I come to know recently.  It’s the truth.  Just that no one ever asked, why did I say that.  Well, the truth is that I probably do know a lot of people, but there’s not one that I can share really close when it comes to facing works, the world, family, responsibilities, and spirituality.  I probably can share what I face at work with some lawyers and they would probably understand if they are also a sole-proprietor who started a firm and run their own law firm.  Likewise, I probably can talk about how wrong biblically I think it is on certain topics with certain people or I don’t at all.  There are topics where it leads me to sum up how much I think the world needed Jesus, etc.  Those, I probably cannot find any audient to my venting at all. And because my life revolves around things and everything around Jesus and God and the fallen world, to be honest, I am unable to find anyone whom I can speak to about most of the time.  So, yes, that’s the reason why I said, “I don’t have a friend”. I really don’t.  At least not one that I can speak and share with the same focus, understanding and wisdom.  

When I am on the verge of whether to take certain cases or not, people will find me being too dramatic and indecisive because money is good for those cases.  All they think about is the profit they can pocket and not about other things, as if life is all about making money, and making money and making money and nothing else.  Well, if you think I am not talking about making money because I am rich enough to not talk about it and divert my concentration on other things, then you are wrong.  I am in debt and I always do not have enough to feed even myself.  Because of my difference in thinking, focus and priority in life (not just making money and being rich), people see me as different and not of the same pattern with which they can get along with.  Hence, my 2^nd justification – I am a rejected soul.  

In the law profession, people say I have a very different mindset about works and how I handle a case.  People do not understand why I would rather want parties to settle their case than go to court.  I don’t raise issues of technicality.  I don’t attack people (opponents, clients or witnesses) unnecessarily.  I don’t create lies, fabricated documents, find excuses to justify clients’ lies, etc. I don’t.  In the dictionary of litigation, I am not an unsuccessful lawyer, but I am a very poor litigation lawyer.  I do not use tricks.  Those who come to me usually are those who have a very strong case to win.  Definitely not those who need help with getting away from the crimes they committed.  If they stop by my place, they would get a good scolding from me before being asked to leave my office if they made such a request.  Others, they will have to take my advice to try to settle the matter out of court.  I reckoned that I am not a good lawyer.  I will never be able to be one.  At least, not in the eyes of the world.  

Lawyers will not ask me to join them for meals, drinks or parties or get together because I never drink.  I never do what usually lawyers will do after works.  I am not the ‘fun’ type that any lawyer would be.  When I speak to them, they are usually very respectful and serious.  If I give them a call, it’s a genuine work talk.  This is just me.  I reckon that it is my problem, for not being fun and not being able to be the fun type that people wants to get along with.  I get it.  I am not forcing anyone to too.  Hence, I said, I am a rejected soul.  

While I am dealing with being rejected, not being accepted as a friend, and that I probably have to deal with myself alone until I died, this passenger in the Bible did remind me that Jesus faced the same thing I faced too.  (a)  Not conforming to the pattern of this world  (b) Being rejected by even their own race and people because of the differences; (c)  He doesn’t have a friend that He can share with all the time, especially on the spiritual matters - even His own disciples don’t understand that He’s been trying to tell them.  

And yet, He keeps His focus right. He keeps His mission and vision at sight and He walks on it despite how difficult it was, even though to die on the cross, with accusation and without justification from any laws, even though even the people and the authorities knew by heart that He did not do anything wrong.  Today, the reading of Titus however did remind me that, it is because I know how frail, how weak and how foolish and disobedient I am, that I realised how merciful He is to me, to still love me and still care for me and still watching over me.  It is because I acknowledged how foolish and disobedient I am that I get to experience His mercy in a different way.  It is not by rights.  It is because I am so not worthy of being saved that He died for me.  

As a lawyer, I was trained to weigh between evidence to know if my client is worthy to get a lighter or heavier punishment.  This is nothing strange for any judges too.  By looking at the evidence tendered before them, they make their decision based on the weight of the evidence.  In the case of me being accepted by Jesus, to be redeemed from sins, seriously, I am not even close to worth for Jesus to die for me.  But He did it anyway.  He loves me just before I love Him.  He did it first. 

Just by doing that, I know being redeemed and being saved by Jesus is not something I should take lightly. I thank God for showing me how unworthy I am for being saved because of my sin, my foolishness, my disobedient, my malice, the mess of my life and yet, because of His kindness, I have received grace and mercy from Him and I am here today in this world, thinking, wondering what am I doing here exactly? 

Should I be just making money in this world and trying to live a bountiful life that I dreamed of with that amount of sacrifices, kindness, grace and mercy that God has given me?   Should I be just being sad that I do not have friends and I am being rejected? Should I even need to focus on making people like me, have lots of friends and not be rejected? What’s your take today in this world? To win the heart and approval of this world or God’s?

Many times, I told myself, the world's standard seems better, but we all know the world is temporary.  LIke I always say, be a good investor.  Invest in the 'future', wisely. 

- World or God? - 

Expertise

I sometimes get questions from others like, "what you are doing is simple, why do you need to charge so much?"  or "Why lawyer always charge so much?" or "It is standard right?" or "All you need is just to copy and paste". 

I got a pupil a few years ago.  She always thinks she is more capable than anyone else and definitely, smarter than me, academically wise, I am sure she is.  So, since she was full of confidence that she can get things sorted easily, I gave her tasks and works that I think is easy for her to accomplish. After all, it is just copied and paste right? So, I gave her some tasks, together with at least 3 samples.  It took her more than a month to come back to me.  What's more bizarre was, there's tons and tons of mistakes and points that are not properly assessed and done.  When I asked her why? She said she doesn't know how to do it and I wasn't guiding her.  I wonder how am I suppose to guide her.  If I guide her, it is basically telling her to just follow my idea, my methods and copy everything verbatim.  What will she learn to do then?  After a few times of what I thought I am giving her an opportunity to explore and to learn, not that she doesn't appreciate my efforts, but she compliant that I did not teach her much.  The problem is, she refused to try and make some mistakes and learn from them.  It is all goes to her being too proud of herself.  She thinks by avoiding doing it, she can do better in future.  That's not my way of teaching and certainly a wrong way for someone to try to learn something (in my opinion).  So,  I gave up giving her the opportunity (because I do run a business in case you don't realise and matters do need to moves on).  I can't wait for her to sit on the files forever until she gets to know how to do it.  If she didn't put effort into it, it's not my problem.  At the end of the day, it's her future problem.   Of course, she is not practising now.  

Is my job easy to be done?  A practising lawyer who is in her 8th year, that I was trying to coach in the past few months will tell you now that, it is not.  Regardless of how many samples, how many ideas, how much analysis, meetings, etc with her, she is still unable to conduct a full trial to her satisfaction because there are so many surprises along the way, so many issues to deal with that she eventually missed out and she has to call me to ask, "Ok.  This is it, I am not trying anymore.  Can you please take this case". I am not saying I am good.  I am saying, that's what I have been doing and I know how to get it done rightly and accordingly.  That's me, I am an advocate, a counsel, a barrister.  I think differently and it is just difficult for me to unplug from the skills, training, knowledge, experiences that I have.  Something that I have done in the past 16 years.  

So, when the headhunter company called and asked me what's your expertise, I can tell them, besides attending Court, I am no good at anything at all.  That will also mean, no corporate company will want someone like me in their organisation or company unless they want someone to make sure they comply with regulations, laws and others and so their products, their client's benefits are protected or, someone to advise them since this is the issue, what's the best-case scenario and what's the worst-case scenario and what are the steps to be taken.  But how many will need people like me in the corporate world? 

While waiting for an opportunity to leave law practises, I do, however, need to focus on what I can do now in helping others to get out from their legal issues faced.  No. if you think a layman can do a lawyer's job, from the drafting of an agreement to going to Court, then go ahead, save some money ... and you might lose long term clients or you will end up paying more fees at the end.  Lawyer charged according to a scale fees here in Malaysia.  Compare to other countries, Malaysia's fees scale is really cheap and yet, there are still many people trying to save up that money for other things instead of using a lawyer's expertise to secure their own interest.  To me, that's a very stupid investment.  

Even a trained lawyer might not be able to do certain works.  What more a layman? So, don't be stupid and tell the judges that you want to defend yourself.  The option is there, doesn't mean it is beneficial to you because a case does involve issues of facts and laws.  What are they? If you don't understand that itself, you need a lawyer. 

- Expertise - 

The outsider who might need to move out of her comfort zone

After approximately 20 years of hardship in life and finally being able to settle down in this place and having all that I have now, I can tell you, I am very much satisfied with life and I do not mind to lives like this until I died.  At least, that's what my plan was and I have been doing very well in keeping that status for the past few years.  Stepping out of my comfort zone is not something in mind and the most I can do is probably for a few weeks and that's all.  I always reckoned that God has finally let me have the life I wanted and I can now settle like this until my last day on earth.  

Even if I am thinking about going to the mission field, I probably put my first choice in the top list with no other 2nd choice or 3rd choice because I thought, that's would be a very comfortable zone that I think I can cope with and God will not give me something I am not able to cope with anyway (according to the bible).  So, yes... I am so unwilling to step out of my comfort zone.  

The past 2 months, life has been a bit unpredictable and I started to think about the future and while praying and meditating on His words, there's two passages and wordings that came to mind constantly, i.e. sharing the gospel with the outsider and going out of my comfort zone.  Seriously, it doesn't make sense to me at all.  Not until one day I received an email from a foreign country asking if I am available for a phone interview sometime that week.  I replied, received no answer, but the phone rang one afternoon and I got the phone interview done.  No.  I have yet to hear from them ever since and I always think chances like that will never come to me unless it is God's will. I am, however, happy that I get through the assessment (bloody difficult one) and got myself into that 2nd stage (phone interview).  I am happy because I applied to the same place in the past 3 years many times, and I can never get through that assessment stage or even before that.  So, yes.  It's an achievement, regardless of whether I get the job or not. It would definitely be interesting and exciting if I am given that opportunity, but at the same time, it brings fear.  I told a friend about it and she asked me, between country 1 and country 2 (i applied to both), which would I choose.  I told her, both are out of my comfort zone and she said, she would think so too and she said, I might, however, need to prepare for the 'worse' though because if God wants me to go to those places, I better be ready to move. She reminded me of the passage of being an outsider reaching out to an 'outsider' too, what more totally out of my comfort zone.  

If you ask me, I think I would love to have the job.  But at the same time, I am terrified because I know nothing about the job and nothing about that country or not knowing how to settle down, etc.  But what I am more excited about is that I probably finally be able to reach out to the people God places in my heart for a long time to reach out to, probably in the past 25 years.  I was reminded that both my dad and my uncle did mention this to me before they passed away.  "You go out to evangelise but never forget these places."  I do hope I have that opportunity to serve Him in those places, regardless of my comfortability.  

Having received no news from the recruiter for a while now does make my faith shakes a bit and thinking again, that no one will want to give me that opportunity because I am not good enough for the job they are offering and/or I am not able to contribute much because I don't know much of the laws in those countries.  I don't want to lose that faith, knowing that He can move mountains and seas if that's His will and desire for me.  All I need to say is probably, yes, no matter how difficult it is, I am willing to go for you, Lord. 

At the same time, of course, I have to make sure that I am prepared to step out when He moved the mountain or the sea.  

- The outsider who might need to move out of her comfort zone  -