My pandemic challenges

The pandemic started in 2020 and regardless of who you are, the rich, the poor, the boss, the employee, male, female, young, old, healthy and unhealthy, everyone is affected, in one way or another.  Some, we all can associates and relate to, such as these: 

Some are affected in their earning.  Some earned lesser, some lost their job, some has got more wealth than before.  

Some are affected in their relationship.   Some lost their family members, relatives, and friends from covid19 and some has finally found love and good friends and companion during this difficult time because everyone connected better as most are in front of the computer most of the time or has more time to communicate with others.  Some even got their old age parents to stay with them and has their relationship restored and rekindled.  However,  because of working from home, many have lost that relationship with their bosses and colleagues the same way it was.  

Some are affected in their daily routine.  With working from home, many only have their space within their home or home office.  The moment they get up from their bed, they switch on their computer and start working and many reckoned that this means working hour is much longer.  Instead of getting lunch, now they must make lunch during that 1-hour lunch break and finish their food.  Instead of packing to go home at 4:45 pm, now they struggle to switch off their computer and call off the day.  Exercise routine seems to disappear and only exist when one feels like it, and in some parts of the world, they are not even allowed to go for a run or a walk outside.  For those who always go to church on Sunday, we also tend to lose that routine completely because we are not allowed to go back to church to gather with others and to worship God.  

Besides the above that we all experience and knowledge of, we are affected not just that alone.  There are greater challenges ahead besides and behind those, which includes: - 

(a) Praise and Worshiping God.  

One of the greatest challenges to focus on and to do during this pandemic is to continue to praise Him and worship Him for His goodness because many has measured the goodness according to their own personal comforts.  Many wonder how to enjoy this world and all the things in this world where freedom is restricted, life is restricted and overturned and we have to face the decision of life and death almost every day if not every hour and minute.  We questioned what God is and has been doing these 2 years.  We asked if He ever exists and we questioned Him on why He let this even happened.  All our focus is on, why our lives have been overturned within days and we are no longer enjoying this world like we used to.  Our plans were disrupted.  Our lives were upside down and some even have to face starvation, malnutrition, death and it seems that the word happiness no longer exist anymore.  Some faces discomforts of not being able to travel, to see the beauty of God’s creation and because they have to cook and eat home cook food every day, they became depressive and even wanted to end their lives.  How do we praise and worship God in such conditions, we asked.  

That’s one of our greatest challenges during this pandemic and I feel that it is a reminder to all of us of what we focus on in life, not just this pandemic, but life.  Do we only praise and worship God during the good time?  Do we only praise and worship God when we need Him? Do we talk to Him or speak or even fight with God during a difficult time? What exactly is our focus in life?  Our own comforts? Our own desire in life?  The world? Our success? Our achievement? Our relationship? Our enjoyment of life? What is yours? 

When all these are good, life is good and everything is good and within your control, does that mean, you have gained the whole world and therefore God is good? 

When you do not have all these, including your freedom to even go for a walk and a run, or even the ability to earn a living, does that mean God is not good and therefore you cannot praise and worship Him anymore? 

When you lost everything, literally everything, including your plan, your aim, your income, your loved one, your freedom, your job, can you still praise and worship Him? What is the reason you praise and worship Him? Is it so that He can bless you abundantly or because He is God, who shall reign and ruled over your life, no matter how it turns out to be?

I leave this challenge to you because this is between you and God. As for me, I know life sucks and it’s so difficult to bear these few months if not years, especially since my space is invaded (with my mom staying with me), and I totally lost my own comforts.  My work and income are affected and my future seems gloomy and without much to plan for.  But I praise Him for granting me grace and mercy, to still have the breath to praise Him and His goodness and to acknowledge that He is my God who rules over my life and this world.  Even though if this leads to eternal rest or the coming of Jesus, I want to be ready for it.  I still praise Him for His goodness.  I do not want to put my own wishes, my want, my needs, my desire first before His Will and His plan.  So, yes, that’s my challenge.  Regardless of how terrible life is, I know He is faithful and just and He will be God and King of my life, that ruled it according to His plan and Will, for His own glory and not for me.  Yes.  It is not about me.  It is about Him and His glory.  

(b) Love your neighbour as yourself.  Loving those unlovely. 

The other challenge during this pandemic is that no matter how much I have done to try to comply with all the rules set out to contain the spread of the virus by putting up so many efforts, including not going out, close the firm operation, for the time being, not visiting friends and family, no gathering, not attending a funeral and all, there are still people who disobey and they just make the situation harder to bear.  I always got angry with these people who did not comply with the rules, including all the ministers and leaders of this country.  I was furious over some religious group of people who just make more and more clusters over time and continue doing it.  But can we just continue to hate them, or dislike them and be angry with them? 

The past few weeks, during our discussion in the cell group, we discussed about Jesus’ command to his disciples on the night before He was taken away, just before He washes the feet of His disciples, He said, “Love one another as you love yourself”.  I was thinking, it is easier said than done because it is so difficult to love these people.  Those who disobey the rules and continue to create clusters and spread the virus,  those who refused to wear masks, those who protest against restriction, isolation, masks wearing and those who launched many anti-vaccination programmes and campaigns, those who created so much fake news, being not co-operative with WHO guidelines, and the list continue.  How to love people like this I always ask myself and often time, I asked God too.  Can’t God just destroy them once and for all? Or come on, God, send Jesus already…. 

Worse still, for some countries’ leaders who took up lousy and poor measures and decisions in curbing the spread of the covid19, or those leaders who staged political agenda during this difficult time.  Are we supposed to love these people?

It is indeed difficult to love people like those I mentioned above and seriously, I find myself often asking God, can I not love them and can you just destroy them, i.e. please make sure they get covid and die. That’s my challenge this pandemic.  On how to love people I mentioned above.  It is really not an easy task.  I find myself have to keep my focus on God alone because I am sure, this is what He wants me to learn during this pandemic.  To love the unloving, to love those I hate.  Maybe not to the point as to how much I love myself, but as a start, I am trying very hard to try to not be bothered by what they did, but only on what I can do in order to curb the spread of the virus to others.  Let’s not focus on how you can do, but what I can do instead.  I am not expecting others to do something for me.  I am focusing on how I can survive on my own account and I can do that little bit to help some who needs help that I afford to, and at the same time, staying sane.  I might not be able to not love them as myself, but I just do not want to dislike or hate them because I know God does love them, and He still loves them.  So, for now, although I am not happy with what they are doing, it is not within my control.  But what I can control, is that I do not hate them.  

By the grace and mercy of God, I hope one day, I will know how to love them and I hope God will help me to reach that point one day.  

(c) Stay healthy and faithful spiritually. 

Being able to focus on staying healthy is kind of a challenge for me because with what’s going on at the moment, life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere except waking up, sitting down in front of a computer and browsing the web, watching tv, cook, eat and sleep, there’s nothing much happening.   Yes.  That’s my kind of life since May 2021 and life hasn’t been very interesting so far.  There’s absolutely nothing to look forward to.  

I have worked hard to catch up with bible reading and trust me, it has not been easy because many times, I just find that God is saying, “sorry, what’s happening, it is not about you, but Me” and I almost gave up in knowing if He ever bothers to give me what I asked for and what do I ask for?  I don’t even know what I want to be honest.  Life has been put upside down and nothing seems working and you probably gathered now that I am not on depressed, but also discouraged and in despair.  Often time, I asked if He hates me that much that He resents me over and over again.  This happened especially when I realized that some friends still get what they are doing during this pandemic and they have earned even more, etc.  If things are moving on for some, why did God let mine stopped? Did He forget about me? Did He love others more than me? While the world resent me, did He resent me too?

It’s been a roller coaster ride in this spiritual journey in the past 2 years.  It’s from I want to pick myself up to, now, God has resent me, and the reasons could be because like how the world sees me as, a failure, a sinner, someone who is not outstanding and it’s just me, the rejected soul.  

Again and again, He was telling me that He is the King and there’s nothing I need more because God has redeemed me from my sins and all I need to do is to focus on Him, His plan and will.  But what’s His plan and will? That I should continue to be in agony and despair? Continue to be doing nothing for Him, but just sit, sleep, watch tv, do nothing, until the day I die?

To be honest, I don’t know.  I find it really difficult to know His will and plan at the moment and that’s my biggest challenge for the time being.  Besides keeping my focus and staying faithful to Him, and keeping my sanity in place, I literally cannot do anything to change the course of the path that I am on at the moment.  That reminds me of Daniel, who waited for many years, probably just for that one time to serve Him.  How did he do it? To be the minority in the country, not being used by God for years and yet He stayed faithful and focus, prayed every day, stay close to God and follow God’s leading and being used for once.  Lord, is this what you want me to learn during this pandemic? To be like Daniel, to stay spiritually healthy, keep my focus and stay faithful until the day You call me to Your service, maybe just once?  It is really hard and challenging for me to be honest.  There’s so much I can do for Him. Why can’t He just deliver the tasks to me and let me do it now? Why can’t He uses me more or blessed me more?  Why can’t He show me more love? Why can’t He give me what I asked for?

Lord, I know, in your time because You know the best time to deliver it to me.  But again, I asked, can’t you perform a miracle and make things happened, like NOW? Yes, that’s my struggle and challenge this pandemic and I am praying so hard that God, you will have mercy on me.  Please show me a little bit more that You love me.  

There are lots of challenges to this pandemic, but to me, the greatest challenges are the 3 that I mentioned because it’s about putting down myself and completely letting God be God.  I am not sure what kind of challenge you encounter during this time.  I hope spending time to meditate and listen to Him is one that you will priorities for now.

- my pandemic challenges -    

Respect

The understanding of the word opinion differs from one level to another.  I often took the higher standard as my own guidelines when I give my opinion because that’s the first thing I was asked to do when I first started my pupillage. 

Along the way, I forgot that there are many levels when it comes to opinion.

In the law profession, when one asked for an opinion, it involves lots of research and studies before we can issue our opinion to clients and advise them accordingly by giving them options and suggestions weighing between pro and con, depending on their situation and needs.  At the academic level, especially in masters and doctoral levels, we are asked to research specific topics, analyse issues, address them, and form our opinion and stand. If you can suggest a better method, resolution and finding, that would be added advantages. 

Even with lots of research and studies done before we form our opinion, we know that it might be challenged.  Many doctoral students can relate to this as their final thesis is to be published for the public challenge and put on their findings before they can be given the title Doctor (Dr.).  In the law professions, clients tend to pass our opinion to other lawyers to get opinion verified.

It is expected that people can disagree with my opinion or I disagree with their opinion.  It doesn’t mean I have to disrespect your opinion or vice versa.  Being a professional, we are entitled to our own opinion and also to respect other’s opinion. 

However, disagreeing with my opinion and joking with my opinion has a different meaning, in my opinion (you can differ too).  One is with respect, and one is disrespectful.  I understand some people might not have the ability to differentiate the differences between the two. Often, when they joke about it, they think the joke they cracked was of good quality and that people are not entitled to feel disrespectful angry.  

As much as I was trying to keep them cool and explaining the reason for my outrages (feel being disrespected), I was, being handled by their pride and the urge to win the argument (that their joke is perfect and should be accepted). You guessed it right; I didn’t get to tell at all. 

Note that some of these people do not have the knowledge of what opinion and respect means; they refused to listen, and even worse, they started to retaliate and blamed me for attacking them because I was angry (to them, it is unnecessary, and I was totally unreasonable).  All they focus on is their own joy (cracking the jokes they think it is outstanding) and pride (winning the argument that I got angry without a reasonable basis) by refusing to listen.    

I am unable to tolerate people using 'bla bla bla……' or using foul languages in their arguments because it is very disrespectful and offensive to me.   I can accept that they are of such attitudes and characters, but please respect my choice for not accepting those standards and language.  Yes.  I might sound trying to explain myself (your equivalent to 'bla bla bla') because you cannot understand, which I reckoned now that you have no idea of what the words opinion and respect means.  

#opinion #respect #outrage #pride #uneducated #differentlevel #donotactlikeafool 

- Respect - 

Him vs Others - Part 1

I remember a few years ago, I questioned the issue of why and how did I ended up here in KK, doing things that I am not enjoying doing and not earning as much as I am capable of earning.  All my other friends who are now on the corporate ladder seems to be enjoying themselves much better.  No. I mean, look at those lawyers who are like me, they don't have to put on so many efforts and doing that extra bits for clients, etc.  All they need is to send their clerks, their juniors to attend to those signing sessions in the court, those prison visits and all.   My pupil definitely not happy when I asked her to do those extra works because to her, she is a lawyer and she is not a clerk and those are for layperson and clerk, not for the reputable lawyer and therefore, I am always the 'not qualified' lawyer and yes, I don't earn her respect at all.  I don't blame her.  That's the world that we are in.  We feel shameful to be different from others especially in this law profession.  We need to have a posh and expensive car and earning millions because that's what generally a lawyer should have.  Attending to client's signing in court? Paying prisoner or detainee visits in the lockup or prison? That's not exactly what most lawyer's ambition is.  It wasn't mine either, to be honest.  

It was a hectic week with so many errands to run with so many things to be sorted and when I received my cell leader's message to ask me to confirm if I will attend the Cell meeting on-site or via zoom, my heart struggled and thinking, "how about I skip the cell meeting tonight and rest?"  Well, at about 6pm, I decided to attend the cell meeting on-site.  I rushed to finished dinner after cleaning up the whole apartment (after some installation done at home) and shower, and I drove to church for the cell meeting.  I enjoy being with this group of people because they let me know how much we need God and by sharing with them that particular evening, I realised, I have really gone through so much in life and yet, God has been faithful.  

It's Cassandra's first sharing and it's on John 12:37-42. We discussed priority, about choosing between God/His ministries or work/other areas of our life.  I guess it was few weeks if not months ago that I was reminded of this incident many years ago when I first finished my pupillage in KL and was looking for a job in KL.  A law firm called one day, said I was being short-listed and asked if I can go for an interview.  I overjoyed of course and so, I told a few friends including 2 of my friends who were then working at that said firm.  2 of them told me that the litigation department head is not an easy person to deal with and both also said everyone who walked into the interview took only 5 minutes and left.  They told me the Litigation Department Head is very fierce and often they heard him shouting at the junior, etc.  My first thought was, I am a fresh graduate and he's looking for a lawyer with at least 1 year of experience and why did he ask me for an interview? 

I walked into his room and he offered me a seat and I thank him, took my seat and the first question he asked was if I drafted the cover letter myself.  I told him I did and he said, it's impressive and that letter caught his attention and so he asked me for an interview.  I did not know how to respond to his remark, but I told him I thought that's a very usual letter, but thank him for his compliment anyway.  So, he started off by asking me what did I do in my previous firm, asked me about some laws and whether I remember some supporting cases, and all.  I don't think I have answered all his questions correctly, but I gave him an honest answer, i.e. what I know, what I do not know.  He then asked me some general scenario and all, and what do I expect from employer and colleagues and bosses. Trust me, that interview took 2 hours and my 2 friends were very anxious but at the same time, they were curious to know what happened because there's no shouting, there's laughter and discussions.  He showed me the system they have, the research database and all and after 2 hours, he said he can give me an offer right away with a very good salary, but the only catch was, I might need to go back to the office to work on Sunday.  He expects even though there's no urgent matter on Monday, I still need to be in the office to sort out works, preparing beforehand and all.  It was a very good offer and I was offered a good future, a good boss, a good salary.  Seriously, what else a fresh graduate needed? But even I told him, I still need to go to church and only come to the office after church, I can see he is disappointed and he cannot take no as an answer.  He gave me 3 days to think about it and when I called back 3 days later and told him honestly that all I am asking is to have Sunday morning off to go to church, he told me he cannot guarantee this.  I did not take up the job in the end.  

Many said I am stupid and stubborn.  I am sure you are one of them too after reading this.  I feel stupid after that too.  I did not take it not just because I cannot get Sunday off, to be honest.  I did not take the job because first, my potential boss will not understand my priority and wanted me to see work/job as God.  Secondly, I did not take the job because we both have different value about life priorities and that will means, we might have different views in cases we are to handle together and I might struggle through it because I will end up doing works that are contrary to my own principles or beliefs.  Thirdly, I will lose my life or my lifestyle will only consist of works.  Fourthly, even if I win the whole world, what do I get by losing God?  Fifthly, I do not want to give chance for myself to fall because I know how much I can and cannot trust myself (i am just a human).  

I am connected to him on Linkedln these days.  I can see he own his own law firm now and he is doing very well.  But I am surprised to see him engaging a lot with arbitration and mediation.  For someone who is very strong in his litigation skills and actively engaged in litigations matters, it is surprising to really see him meddled down into settling matters out of court.  I hope he put his faith and God in His heart more than winning cases these days.  Yes.  He's a Christian and that's why I find it difficult that he couldn't see why I need to attend church service every Sunday.  I hope my decision the other day made him question his own priority.  

Was I afraid of how people see me after I decline the job offer or was I more afraid that I lose God and doing something that displeases Him? I can tell you honestly that, I am more afraid of losing Him because He controls everything about me and my life, from whether I have money to whether I live my life the next minute.  Did I end up not having a job or unable to excel or be used by Him after I decline that offer? Obviously not.  He remains faithful and He provides all my need.  

Well, for the past 15 years of my practice, from having very low pay to high pay and now, probably no pay for the next few months, God has never stopped providing.  So far, there's not a month that I end up receiving 0 income because He provides and that's how I end up learning to save up for rainy days.  Because of that, the lockdown due to the pandemic did not affect me much and I really thank God for planning this for me since the beginning of my days.  

Do I need to be a very 'successful' lawyer in order for me to lives a godly life? Do I need a very well paid job in order for me to lives a godly life? Do I need to be able to 'see' how well my future be in order for me to lives a godly life?  What kind of life do you want and dream of? Will those stand on any guarantee for you to lives a better life?  

No.  I am not saying it because I am trying to justify my stupidity of letting go of that chance to work for a very senior and successful lawyer who promised me that my future is guaranteed under his watch.  I don't even need any justification because, over the past 15 years, there's so many experiences, walks and life moments that I can share with you about how I walked through and walk with my God, that guarantee, it would be the best moment I ever hope and wish for.  

What do you need in order for you to secure your bright future? 

I stand with, holding on to Him and seek His kingdom first.  

- Him vs Others - Part 1 -