Him vs Others - Part 1

I remember a few years ago, I questioned the issue of why and how did I ended up here in KK, doing things that I am not enjoying doing and not earning as much as I am capable of earning.  All my other friends who are now on the corporate ladder seems to be enjoying themselves much better.  No. I mean, look at those lawyers who are like me, they don't have to put on so many efforts and doing that extra bits for clients, etc.  All they need is to send their clerks, their juniors to attend to those signing sessions in the court, those prison visits and all.   My pupil definitely not happy when I asked her to do those extra works because to her, she is a lawyer and she is not a clerk and those are for layperson and clerk, not for the reputable lawyer and therefore, I am always the 'not qualified' lawyer and yes, I don't earn her respect at all.  I don't blame her.  That's the world that we are in.  We feel shameful to be different from others especially in this law profession.  We need to have a posh and expensive car and earning millions because that's what generally a lawyer should have.  Attending to client's signing in court? Paying prisoner or detainee visits in the lockup or prison? That's not exactly what most lawyer's ambition is.  It wasn't mine either, to be honest.  

It was a hectic week with so many errands to run with so many things to be sorted and when I received my cell leader's message to ask me to confirm if I will attend the Cell meeting on-site or via zoom, my heart struggled and thinking, "how about I skip the cell meeting tonight and rest?"  Well, at about 6pm, I decided to attend the cell meeting on-site.  I rushed to finished dinner after cleaning up the whole apartment (after some installation done at home) and shower, and I drove to church for the cell meeting.  I enjoy being with this group of people because they let me know how much we need God and by sharing with them that particular evening, I realised, I have really gone through so much in life and yet, God has been faithful.  

It's Cassandra's first sharing and it's on John 12:37-42. We discussed priority, about choosing between God/His ministries or work/other areas of our life.  I guess it was few weeks if not months ago that I was reminded of this incident many years ago when I first finished my pupillage in KL and was looking for a job in KL.  A law firm called one day, said I was being short-listed and asked if I can go for an interview.  I overjoyed of course and so, I told a few friends including 2 of my friends who were then working at that said firm.  2 of them told me that the litigation department head is not an easy person to deal with and both also said everyone who walked into the interview took only 5 minutes and left.  They told me the Litigation Department Head is very fierce and often they heard him shouting at the junior, etc.  My first thought was, I am a fresh graduate and he's looking for a lawyer with at least 1 year of experience and why did he ask me for an interview? 

I walked into his room and he offered me a seat and I thank him, took my seat and the first question he asked was if I drafted the cover letter myself.  I told him I did and he said, it's impressive and that letter caught his attention and so he asked me for an interview.  I did not know how to respond to his remark, but I told him I thought that's a very usual letter, but thank him for his compliment anyway.  So, he started off by asking me what did I do in my previous firm, asked me about some laws and whether I remember some supporting cases, and all.  I don't think I have answered all his questions correctly, but I gave him an honest answer, i.e. what I know, what I do not know.  He then asked me some general scenario and all, and what do I expect from employer and colleagues and bosses. Trust me, that interview took 2 hours and my 2 friends were very anxious but at the same time, they were curious to know what happened because there's no shouting, there's laughter and discussions.  He showed me the system they have, the research database and all and after 2 hours, he said he can give me an offer right away with a very good salary, but the only catch was, I might need to go back to the office to work on Sunday.  He expects even though there's no urgent matter on Monday, I still need to be in the office to sort out works, preparing beforehand and all.  It was a very good offer and I was offered a good future, a good boss, a good salary.  Seriously, what else a fresh graduate needed? But even I told him, I still need to go to church and only come to the office after church, I can see he is disappointed and he cannot take no as an answer.  He gave me 3 days to think about it and when I called back 3 days later and told him honestly that all I am asking is to have Sunday morning off to go to church, he told me he cannot guarantee this.  I did not take up the job in the end.  

Many said I am stupid and stubborn.  I am sure you are one of them too after reading this.  I feel stupid after that too.  I did not take it not just because I cannot get Sunday off, to be honest.  I did not take the job because first, my potential boss will not understand my priority and wanted me to see work/job as God.  Secondly, I did not take the job because we both have different value about life priorities and that will means, we might have different views in cases we are to handle together and I might struggle through it because I will end up doing works that are contrary to my own principles or beliefs.  Thirdly, I will lose my life or my lifestyle will only consist of works.  Fourthly, even if I win the whole world, what do I get by losing God?  Fifthly, I do not want to give chance for myself to fall because I know how much I can and cannot trust myself (i am just a human).  

I am connected to him on Linkedln these days.  I can see he own his own law firm now and he is doing very well.  But I am surprised to see him engaging a lot with arbitration and mediation.  For someone who is very strong in his litigation skills and actively engaged in litigations matters, it is surprising to really see him meddled down into settling matters out of court.  I hope he put his faith and God in His heart more than winning cases these days.  Yes.  He's a Christian and that's why I find it difficult that he couldn't see why I need to attend church service every Sunday.  I hope my decision the other day made him question his own priority.  

Was I afraid of how people see me after I decline the job offer or was I more afraid that I lose God and doing something that displeases Him? I can tell you honestly that, I am more afraid of losing Him because He controls everything about me and my life, from whether I have money to whether I live my life the next minute.  Did I end up not having a job or unable to excel or be used by Him after I decline that offer? Obviously not.  He remains faithful and He provides all my need.  

Well, for the past 15 years of my practice, from having very low pay to high pay and now, probably no pay for the next few months, God has never stopped providing.  So far, there's not a month that I end up receiving 0 income because He provides and that's how I end up learning to save up for rainy days.  Because of that, the lockdown due to the pandemic did not affect me much and I really thank God for planning this for me since the beginning of my days.  

Do I need to be a very 'successful' lawyer in order for me to lives a godly life? Do I need a very well paid job in order for me to lives a godly life? Do I need to be able to 'see' how well my future be in order for me to lives a godly life?  What kind of life do you want and dream of? Will those stand on any guarantee for you to lives a better life?  

No.  I am not saying it because I am trying to justify my stupidity of letting go of that chance to work for a very senior and successful lawyer who promised me that my future is guaranteed under his watch.  I don't even need any justification because, over the past 15 years, there's so many experiences, walks and life moments that I can share with you about how I walked through and walk with my God, that guarantee, it would be the best moment I ever hope and wish for.  

What do you need in order for you to secure your bright future? 

I stand with, holding on to Him and seek His kingdom first.  

- Him vs Others - Part 1 -

Remembering my GP

This post is specially dedicated to my family GP since I was 4 years old.  Just in case you ask, yes, he is one of those who make sure I survive until today.  A doctor I am afraid of when I first went to see him because he would make sure I speak in English with him, even though I was only 4 years old. From one word to a few words to a sentence and a conversation, and that's how our relationship was developed to more than a GP, but a family friend.  It is him that I have understood what different cultures and races means and how not difficult it is to accept other races and cultures that are so different from ours.  He is a very talented and patient-doctor and yet, can be fierce especially if you are hard-headed and refuse to listen to his advise and continue to harm yourself.  "No no no, you don't do that" as he turns his head the people from India do as he looked you through your eyes when he speaks.  He will sit down slightly to the right at his chair, put his right hand on his chin and in deep thought when he was curious and wonder what happened really.  You can see him in deep thought and then he will walk around at his confined space between his table and cupboard and told me to lie down in the examination bed next to a sink, which he washes his hand and getting ready with his stethoscope, after he called, "Nurse".  Yes.  That's how exactly he examines all his patients almost every single time I went into his room.  

I grew up weak by having a very weak lung, that's mean I easily get cold and cough and fever.  Instead of just prescribing medicines to me and cure me each time, he took me dearly to him and educated me and my parents on what I should prevent and what I should do to improves my lung.  He's like a father who would take times and efforts to make sure things will get better as I grow up.  Sad to say, seeing him less over the past 10 years simply means, I am physically better.  The last time I went to see him, I was having a bad infection and I remember him sitting down, looking at me, taking up my case file and pointed to me and said, do you know you are one of my first patients when this clinic started? The front page of the case file stated, Lin Pei San, 4 years old.  I remember vividly.  He smiled and said, "you are a lawyer now.  I am proud.  Tell me what kind of cases you do?" and so I told him what I did and he said "that took quite a bit of stamina" and I laughed and said, "glad my lung didn't fail on me because I have a good doctor".  He laughed and then he said, just a cold, get some med, not too stressful and rest more.  That's the last time I visited him and the clinic.  I walked out, standing next to a drawing that was hung in this clinic as long as I remember it while waiting for my medicines.  The pharmacist saw me standing there and called me and as I bent down to talk to the pharmacist, she told me she used to saw me from that little window when I was still too short to reach the window.  I told her, it's almost 35 years ago now.  Can't believe time flies and I told her, but everything still looks the same, except you have a new aircon now (not the one that needs to drill a hole kind) and she laughed.  

His clinic will not be the same anymore and I doubt I will be going to the clinic anymore. 

I will have to keep my memory from now on and wish that I can see him again one day.  It's really saddening to learn about his demise.  He has been a very dedicated and loving doctor.  I am missing you already Dr. Kulasingam.  

- Remembering my GP - 

Self-sufficient or God-dependent?

I am not done with what annoyed me by the prosperity gospel teaching I spoke about in my last post.  I still got very disturbed by the fact that everyone who is very much influenced by the prosperity gospel teaching that we shall not speak anything that's negative and anything as such will be called, "declaration" which once you "declare", it will happen, which is not good.  Oh come on,  so, things happened not because of God but of words that spoken out of your mouth because you will somehow face adversities in life and you are just telling the facts and that somehow become a declaration? 

As far as I know, my God is not as small as only perform what words came out from one's mouth.  But maybe the God that you know is different because it does sound like, the people/the words people speak is God instead of God being God, which, definitely means, people are trying to be God, for as long as I remember or know, yes.  They tried to wish the positive things to happened to them and wish negative things to goes away from them, and suddenly this sounds very Chinese to me.  Oh well, I guess, it is a human thing rather than just a Chinese thing.  

These people somehow think why can control over things by their faith, their beliefs and their 'declaration', that's what they are doing and believe to be doing.  Do they need God? No.  They want GOD to do whatever they declared, but not necessarily following His will and what God wants in their lives.  Sadly, I realised, it is not a new thing or a new gospel teaching because as I read on the book of Micah, it seems like that's what humanity has been, trying to be self-sufficient and making sure that they are good enough and that they do not need God because God will love them and give them whatever they want.  I wonder if that's so, why are there still people who are suffering from sickness, from poverty, from adversities? 

If the word 'dead' is bad instead of negative and that we are not supposed to speak or 'declare' it, then what was Jesus teaching was when it comes to John 12 when He spoke about the needs to be dead in order for God's name to be glorified?  Is Jesus' death a positive or negative thing? Ok.  You might ask what annoyed me to have 2 posts on this.  Well, I am sick and all I asked is that friends pray for me because I do not want to go through another surgery. Instead of some encouragement to ask me to focus on His Will and have some faith in Him, etc, I was being scolded for "declaring" that I am sick and I might need surgery. Two of them said something about I must have done such a bad thing that I grow up having lots of sicknesses too.  I got angry and annoyed because, 1st, who they think they are? God? 2nd, did I declare? 3rd, do they know what's going on between me and God before they being judgmental? 4th, what's wrong with me being God-dependent? I did not however tell them any of those above, but simply said, "well, I am weak and I need God and that's why I pray to God and know nothing about declaring because it is a fact that I am facing this situation". 

Just like what Micah 5 says, there could have been a lot of situations where I will need God to deal with and help me with.  But like Jairus, like the women that have 12 years of blood loss issues, as long as we have our faith and eyes fixed on Jesus, it is more than just our sickness be healed, but our ultimate, bottom-line issue - sin be forgiven.  If we are only focusing on the issues, but ignoring all the process and relationship with God and the ultimate bottom line issues, we would have missed a great deal of knowing and experiencing Him.  Who are we to judge or to declare things to happen or not to happen? To choose to be self-sufficient or God-dependent, I am still on the latter, no matter if I am losing some close friends.  I pray that they will find God and be born again.  

- self-sufficient or God-dependent? -