Surprising discovery

I rescheduled my appointment with the dr. last week because I was attending a Mediation Course by AMC on a last-minute basis because the Sessions Court has rescheduled my Trial this week to June 2021.  It was somehow a relief because I realised there's so much I need to prepare beforehand and I really did not want to proceed with the Trial via Zoom.  It was the request of the Plaintiff's Solicitors for the postponement and obviously, I agreed to it too.  So, yes, we do have some time now until June to prepare and I better make sure I got everything ready by April.  

Even though I think there's no need for me to go for the med review because I just had a thorough check and scan before CNY, I didn't want to lose the chance to be checked by a specialist anyway.  So, I rescheduled it for this week and I am glad I went.  

Seriously, within 6 months, everything can go so wrong with my health.  I can agree that I am never good health-wise, but with all that I have been trying to be healthy, looks like it's going to be in vain nevertheless.  At least, that's what I feel after the review.  Disappointed, dismay, depressed, discouraged and angry are probably the feeling that I can be described in words.  Emotionally, I am challenged and spiritually, I asked, why, Lord, why?  As many would answer me that it is not my time yet to go, I always asked, "how do you know?" Seriously, I don't think anyone has any definitive answer to that question but instead of death, I actually asked - why do I have to go through all this 'suffering' instead. I am ok with death, to be honest, but not the suffering part that I have been trying to 'limit' and control.  

EXACTLY what my realisation when my mind reached the control part.  What did I try to do again? Me, controlling my own health and future? Now that sounds wrong.  Where is God? Isn't what I need to do is to let Him be the one who controls my life, my health and my future? Since when did I ever think I can have control of my life?  Suddenly, I find myself like Jonah, who complained and angry about God who let the tree that grew overnight died.  Yes.  Exactly what I feel - Jonah and his grumbling. 

I took a day off today (even though I am in the office) to meditate on Him, reflecting on what's going on and how I should and can align my focus on Him rather than myself.  A friend whom I share prayer request with every week however reminded me that, I was asked to pray about "submissive, trusting in His Will and Plan" this week and I thought this is exactly what I asked God to help me to learn and that's exactly what I am learning now - relying on Him in my life, submissive, trusting His Will and Plan for me.  There's no coincident.  My prayer is, therefore, instead of full healing, is to trust Him for His faithfulness, His mercy and grace.  I believe, if I keep asking for mercy and grace, I will not suffer much from all these.  If it is my time to leave, it is my time to leave (and yes, I don't need to worry about covid and what happened after that too).  

God has an amazing way to 'connect' with His people, especially people He loves.  It's amazing how He wants me to connect with Him, in different ways every single week.  It just makes me feels that He is so close and alive. Now, I am looking forward to unveiling what He can do and will do to me next, regardless of what it is.  It is time to say, let the man be a man and God be God.  Never start trying to be God. 

.. and this is a lifetime challenge - 

- Challenge - 

Another year of mercy and grace.

 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone. The differences is only the degree of difficulties one faced.  I personally find things challenging when my mom was sick and not well and that she has been staying with me at KK since August 2020.  The fact that we have been living a separate life for the past 26 years contributed to that difficulties to cope, but we both do know however that we won’t have such a chance like this that comes by easy.  If not because of the pandemic and if not because of she was sick, we wouldn’t have this chance to know each other better.  There’s so much to learn about staying with my mom.  Being someone who is stubborn by nature, always selfish and dominant, it’s so difficult for her to do the odd, even though there’s no alternative choice for her.  Knowing that she’s upset, I couldn’t help her to adjust herself to fit into the situation easily.  It’s pain to the both of us, but we move on.  Time somehow helped her to come by with her senses and she fit it much better than the first few months.  

2020 is not an easy year and yet we got through it with lots of thanksgiving to be counted, which probably last for a lifetime.  Despite the difficulties, I am glad because of my sickness, my situation, my constant travelling, I have always put my work in what I call, the mobile mode.  As long as you have an email, you have skype, facetime, zoom, whatsapp, telegram, there’s no way that you are unable to find me or connect with me.  I am ‘available’ in the online platform all the time. Existing clients know how to get me or to make appointment with me.  New clients can find me through website and fb.  I am just a phone call away and all you need is to send me the docs and I can sort things out for you.  That’s my mobile mode.  So, regardless if I am in London or in Edinburgh, Interlaken or Timbuktu, you will be able to connect with me. I guess most of my existing clients know about this and so, works didn’t stop during the lockdown since March even though I did have a fruitful and wonderful break the whole March.  I did managed somehow to caught up with bible reading/studying and feeding myself with lots of books, readings, and listening of God’s words.  Amazing time which I find that I am so blessed.  The other amazing thing is that ever since I left London in January 2020, I somehow feels like I am still with those in All Soul’s Langham because I still abel to attend their services and get connected with them.  What a blessing it is to have this pandemic and lockdown. 

I thought I did have less income in 2020 but my auditor just told me last year that in fact, I did better than 2018 and 2019.  I told her that I am however worry about 2021 but she said, I always got though the year as if God is watching me and providing and so she said, she is not worry.  Seriously, i don’t know.  I don’t even know if I have any collection next month, but I guess I can’t do much except pray and have faith in Him.  Looking back at 2020, I can only say, “why do I need to worry? Even 2020, He has brought me through”.  

2020 has taught me lots, including counting the blessing despite facing difficulties and unprecedented situation, which future was and still unknown.  I got through 2 birthday now since January 2020 and I have to say i really thank God for His mercy and grace upon me.  I don’t know what’s next, but I pray and trust that He will lead me through step by step.  

Just this week, while being busy preparing for Trial in a week time, the Judge has decided to rescheduled the Trial to June.  I always unable to cope well with sudden change of plan or schedule.  This time, it’s the same except, I feel kind of relief, for no reason because I have prepared everything by now and I wanted the trial to proceed so I can collect some fund before month end.  I went to office with the not knowing what to sort next kind of mood this morning and I was reminded by a friend that, now that the Trial is rescheduled, I might be able to join the Mediation Course next week that I always intended to join.  I quickly look into the email and saw that the deadline to register was 2 days ago and nevertheless, I still contacted Sabah Law Society, told them I am interest but with 2 issues.  1.  deadline to register is over 2. I have 3 hearings next week.  They person in charged made enquiry for me and I was allowed to attend the court with exceptions for 3 sessions to attend court hearing.  I must say, they have organised 3 times now for this course and each time, it cost about RM6K, except this time, which is only RM3K.  Isn’t God’s timing the best? I have no idea why I am given such privilege (may be partly because i am senior lawyer, and partly because i am a Associates Arbitrator), but I am glad that He leads the way.  

Today’s matter just reminded me that all i need is to trust Him in every step. He will arrange. Everything is in His hand.  I am glad that my life and connection  or relationship with God has again reached the level just like when i was in University the last couple of years. I am glad He has sent me so many christian friends whom always been an encouragement to me in my walk with God.  Indeed, who am I if I do not have God?  I am glad He is a faithful God who will never leave me. I can’t wait to open my eyes everyday just to know what He has prepare for me to discover.  Be it good or tough time, Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  Guide each of my step, i pray.  

- Another year of mercy and grace - 

Why does God allow suffering?

 I don't quite remember what I wrote earlier, but after a few weeks or months, I kind of found the answer that God does allow suffering and it is kind of often for various different purposes.  He can purposely harden the heart of Pharoah, the can purposely harden the heart of Peter and Thomas. He can purposely harden your hearts and mine too. Just so that people will not focus on you, or others, but on God so that He will receive the glory and not anyone in the world. 

I often hear people asked if God is sovereign and loving, why did He allow suffering.  I always ponder over this and I always have this thought in me.  When we said suffering, what does it that mean and whether we have the same definition as what God has in His dictionary?  Since young, I realised that a moment of happiness or a moment of suffering will only be a moment, and it will not last forever. When we said we are in suffering, it could probably mean the pain and suffering or the unhappiness you are feeling outweigh the happiness that you received.  Not that the element of happiness is gone completely, just that it's overtaken by the elements of suffering by the majority.  

Were the Israelites without food, without help, without God, without shelter when they were leaving Egypt? Did God not give them promise? Did God not spare them their lives and their firstborn? Did God not shown 10 signs and make them dance and sing before they departed Egypt? They doubt they worried, they feel discouraged, they started to complaint about God and even angry with Moses.  No. that's not happening just to them, but to us today too.  We are certainly related to this in our own lives today, aren't we? 

When we are given a promotion, we closed our multimillion deals, we got married, we have our own children, we have our dream house, we went to our best holiday, we were being loved, we are healthy, we are promised with lots and lots of blessings by our God, we are happy and overwhelmed by the happiness and think we can now take control of our own lives and that we do not need God and we can just tell the priest and cell group leader that we are a busy man and woman and we do not have time for a petty chat on God, we can study our own bible the way we want it and we can do more than what a priest can do or if you are a priest, you declared that your family do not now need to go to the church service because you can always hold one at home and give them the best Christian education they needed. We tend to be God. we wanted more power and authorities be given to us and God sometimes did gives and you have accomplished much with that power and authorities and soon, you forgot that all these are from God. 

Does it sound familiar? And when Covid19 pandemic started in March and you started to lose that singleness of 'freedom' you think you acquired with your own power and ability, you started to voice your dissatisfaction to everyone, you think about publishing your own write up about freedom and every day you wake up, you think about ways that you can do just to raise 'awareness' about our human rights, our freedom and you started to dislike God when things work the way it is not your way.  You started to lost focus, and you lost your bearing and your business started to plunge and you asked, "Why God? Where are you? You said You love me,  but why all these?"

Do we live for us or for God.  Does everything that happened is for and about us or for and about God and His glory? That's not in your mind.  Instead, the majority of your thinking is overwhelmed by 'how should I survive' the next few months if not years because of the pandemic? Why did God send the pandemic? Why did He allow suffering?  

I only have one answer to your questions:  God is letting all these happened so that you know who God is and that at the end, His name is glorified.  Says who? Says Moses in Exodus, David in Psalms, Paul and Peter.  

Why does God allow suffering? Because He loves you and wants you back to His embrace.  Are you awake yet? 

- Why does God allow suffering? -