Be faithful and fruitful.

I am very bad in any kind of relationship.  I am bad in mother-daughter relationship, very bad with friends, very bad with work colleagues, etc. etc.  Establishing a good and steady relationship to me is tiring and it's NOT worth it.  That's generally my mentality.  It's been 3 months since my mother is staying with me here in KK and I have had numerous occasions trying to win an argument with her because I just think she's too stubborn and at the same time, too rigid in her daily requirements about almost everything.  In short, I do not want to follow her ways.  I want mine to enforced too.  Well, as you can guess, it's not going to work well. Glad that as much as I hate hurting her in any way, she's too worried that she will upset me.  

Keeping a relationship is difficult for me.  This year, I have a trial run about 'keeping a relationship' with a few text messages a day with a friend who stays oversea. Of course, we can call each other pretty easily these days with skype, zoom, facetime, etc.  But that's not what we have been doing.  I don't remember having a long period of time without us texting each other.  Almost every day, we would text each other, even with time differences.  It's interesting of how a relationship is kept by just a simple 'text' every day because my friend is a very important person in her organisation and she is very busy at work and so, we keep the messages short, but without fail.  

Besides the above relationship, I realised, I have been doing the same with God. I have been using some guides in my reading these days.  It's not for daily devotion. It's for bible reading.  Some days, the reading is only 5 verses and some, it's 2 chapters but I have been keeping that daily 'conversation' going on every day without fail.  It's interesting that relationship is to be like this, to be short, but without fail.  To be meaningful, heart to heart, consistently, without fail.  I am on a book of Daniel, on the lesson of Daniel being thrown into the Lion dan and the reading for the first time it put my view parallel to Jesus Christ, where King Darius was like Pontius Pilate.  Anyhow, it all about being faithful and fruitful.  

Therefore, I have been pondering over my own commitment to the Lord.  In my work, in my future, I want to be faithful and fruitful too as the one that I am serving is a living God, the God who gives judgment and the God who will bless and sustain those who are faithful, even with the future is so bleak at the moment.  Lord, in whatever circumstances, help me to be faithful and fruitful (in whatever I do, including keeping my relationship with God), just like Daniel. 

- be faithful and fruitful - 

Not be defile ...

 People in Sabah has been feeling dissatisfied, furious and lost over the past few weeks, ever since the previous government was being sabotaged, the needs of being in the election and then lost to the current government.  The fear, the agony, the anguish and depression of the people are mainly on whether Sabah will be able to retain their States' rights after the new government is said to be controlled by the Federal Government.  Many are worried and that drives them to put their worries and anguished into action and words, which to me is highly unnecessary.  

I was furious and depressed yesterday when I was being disturbed by noise constantly for days after my new neighbour moved in and my usual neighbour who is doing renovation day and night continued with his projects and continue to make lots of noise.  I was unable to work, to sleep, to read, to watch tv and do whatever I need and want to for me to calm myself down.  I rant in the Instagram post saying, "my current thought: I wish my neighbours caught COVID and died".  Most people saw the post knew I was just annoyed and keep laughing at me for making that statement and there's no way I meant it.  Well, they know me well and some texted to say they understand and they said they will pray for me so I won't breakdown, etc.  Thank God to have friends like them who remind me that, those words are not supposed to be out of my mouth at all.  Well, it's just a thought I might claim, but no, it is not.  

What shocked me was, a Pastor texted me and said, "I wish that for the current government".  

I was reading Daniel Chapter 1: 1-7 then when the message came through.  I got a shock and wonder, how easy it is for us to see that this world or even this State is without its future because of the current ruling governments which are not respecting Christianity or other religion and the worse when they started to let an Islamic extremist political party enter Sabah's cabinet.  Are we supposed to be fearful and worry? We do.  But does that give us the rights and excuses to defiled ourselves?  As I read on Daniel (I just finished Revelation and starting with the book of Daniel yesterday), I am reminded that Daniel growing up in the ruling of King Josiah and he was captured by the Babylonian King to serve Him, which was not what he wishes to do.  He put his feet down, hold on to God, and won the approval and favour of God and man (the King) because he did not defile himself by the earthly rules and god.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do too? However these politician is to rule this state and this country, it is up to them, but we are to keep our soul, our mind, our heart, and our might in serving the Lord, regardless how the laws in Malaysia is.  It is how we nurture the children and youth now to walk in the Lord, so they know how to face the future, even though it can become a very Islamic state or country a few years later.  It is this that we are to focus on and not to curse the leaders. 

I wish that "God gave" ... what His people need in facing the future, just like how "He gave" to Daniel and his 3 friends.  

Let's not defile ourselves in sharing the 'fellowship' with those who do not belong to the Lord.  

- Do not defile yourself - 

Facing the 'future'.

The greatest challenge I have of having my mom around these few months is not about cooking, not about doing laundry every day nor bringing her for her dr. appointments, but it is spending quiet time with God.  Cannot say I enjoy moments without reading His words these few months.  It's a struggle even when I can only do daily devotion when I get up from my bed and not leaving my room to attend to her needs.  That special moment of reading more of His words seems to means there's a big part of my life is gone.  I really look forward to moment where I can read and meditate His words more every day, but having her walking around, asking me this and that and all, I cannot even concentrate in my works, what more in reading His words? 

Ok. I am sure you realised that my writing is completely out today. Well, I am.  I am not quite sure how long I can stand for being 'unorganised'.  Not that I dislike having my mom around.  I just cannot concentrate much on work, and life and I am 'disrupted'.  Sooner or later, I probably become not functioning and completely paralysed.  

The Covid19 situation here in Sabah is not contained and in fact, the situation is getting out of control, when the healthcare staffs are either quarantine or tested positive and out of 115 staffs, we are now left with 11 and due to this, there are many who are tested positive are still at their respective home and not being admitted in the hospital yet.  News says many are getting tested and found to be positive these days, including those in the restaurant, cafe, superstore, etc.  Everyone is now very worried if their neighbour, friend and relatives are tested positive.  Everyone is staying away from everybody.  At least we are trying to.  

I am kind of lost but at the same time, knowing that I should focus on Him, I kind of lost and do not want to bother.  Am I depressed? I think I am getting there because I have nothing to look forward to again and life seems bleak, so bleak now.  I know I need to declare Him as sovereign and all, but if this is His plan, who can escape?  No matter how much I want to escape and try to run away, I just can't and all I need to is to face the 'future', be it a bleak one or a bright one... and all I need to is to make sure that I am facing it with God.  

While I finished Revelation today.  One of the questions posed was, "are you choosing the Prostitute of Babylon or the Bride in Jerusalem?"  Are you holding on with what this World can offer you or holding on to God even though the process to the final destination is a difficult one?  Are you holding on to the promise that the Lamb of God will be seated on the throne and judge the living and the death and to check whether your name is in the book of life (both Judgment 1 and Judgment 2).  Which way am I heading to and what steps should I take next, especially in this awkward and weird season? 

What's my future? Well, I never have any to begin with.  I always find myself not having any future to look forward to.  Everyone knows about this.  If I have to die today, I am ready to.  But while I still alive and kicking, no matter how difficult life would be in the next few months or years, I will do all my best to hold on to Him until the very end.  

It is a tough journey ahead. Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  

- Facing the 'future'. -