Pain that I am unable to overcome... yet!

I am not sure if I should add the word ‘yet’ because, I might not be able to overcome this pain and fear in me, which hindrances me from advancing to the next level of ‘trust’ on people, or probably God too. I wonder from time to time if there’s anything I can do to make me feel better or have a different view on this.... but, let’s say, my wisdom and understanding is too limited to comprehend or to interpret from another perspective. What am I talking about exactly? Well, the pain of seeing my loved one suffer and worry about me, which is so great that I rather not have them to love me, if loving me means they need to suffer the pain of seeing me suffer.  

I do realise that some people do enjoy being loved, visited, and cared for when they are in their sick or dead bed. I don’t. This has brought me pain rather than feeling loved because seeing them worry and in pain, it bring no joy to me at all, even though I know I am going to be fine, I am going to die and go to heaven, and that’s mean I am loved and not being rejected (finally), but somehow, I can only take it at the very beginning, but not when it happened again and again. No. It is not a good feeling. 

I remember vividly how I was carried by hand by my dad to clinics, tests center, hospitals, while I can barely walk and needed to be treated immediately. I remember how everyone looks like when they came and saw me. I must have been in bad shape that everyone who walks in, will show me the face of concern and worries. I remember how the expression and reaction from people when they talked about me (which I can hardly hear). I don’t really like seeing people whom I loved to worry about me. I was taught later in my life that I need to make sure I don’t worry my parents and I know it is impossible for them not to at some point. I will have to decide and choose between whether to tell them now or later and weight between which one is a greater worry to them. 

I am not in a tip-top healthy soul since I was born. I have grown up with an untreatable disease that I just took very good care of and that people did not know about it. As I age, things are getting more obvious and frequent and that I find it difficult to cope sometimes, especially if there are people around me that I do not want to share my burden with. I hear you.... you are saying, i should share the burden. I get it. I would love you to share with me if you are in my position too. But history and past experiences had told me that, not everyone can stand and bear that burden with me and I might end up not sharing the burden, but killing your heart and mind too. So, no. Not everyone is given that chance to share. For those who tried and left, I still thank you for being there for me. For those who tried and ‘died’, I am sorry that I did not know you better to say "No" to you when you offered to share the burden with me. For those who are still sharing, you know you are great. I do not have to worry about you because you are mature enough, you know how I feel completely because part of you are facing the same thing and coping things way better than I do. I am grateful that whatever I throw at you, you are able to tackle it and handle it so well that you ended up by helping me to get up on my feet too. Seeing how you handle things, gave me a totally different perspective of things, but at the same time, trying my best to adapt the word ‘yet’ in this writing... 

I want to believe that, one day, I will be able to overcome that bit of ‘obstruction’ so I can accept people to love me again. But for now, I guess... I am not there yet unless God sent someone who changed my perspective completely and that I can say, “OK. let’s do it”.

For now, I am grateful enough to have friends who said, “ I am not worry about you because I know you are in God’s hand.  But I do concerned about you”.  

At this moment, I really do not like to or unable to bear to see my loved one who worries about me or potentially suffered to take care of me because they love me.  Well, guess I need a love that’s as big as God’s to fill. hahaha... 

- Pain that I am unable to overcome ... yet! - 

Die or love?

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” (John 12:24–25)

It has been for months and years that I yelled and complained that, "I HATE MY JOB" and yet, it's proven that I have been doing my job well so far.  I don't know how it happened (except giving credit to God and His grace, I really think ... it is by His grace only), but I get to arrest a ship during Movement Control Order period and it's done without delay and clients are happy because upon the ship being arrested, they get their full payment and things resolved thereafter.  The case was referred to me by my ex-boss in KL.  A big boss from a big firm and somehow he referred and when I told him it's done and I got the payment and wanted to forward him his referral fees, he's impressed of my honesty and also my work ethics and professionalism.  Cut the story short, he asked me this morning if I am keen to give a webinar talk on ship arrest.  When I told him I do not think I am qualified to give the talk, he asked if there's anything I can share with the lawyers and pupils in his firm through a webinar talk.  It caught me by surprise, to be honest.  Coming from a big boss? A boss who has 60 lawyers under him? 

I told a friend whom I know from another friend and she somehow told me, when my friend introduced me to her, my friend also said, I am a ship arrest expert.  Now, that's really caught me by shock. I could have done it a few times, but that doesn't mean I am an expert.  I just do what I need to, check the rules, do some research, and go with it.  Interestingly, many thought I have been doing something others won't do.  Well, I was just being given a chance to do it.  Period. 

So, I ponder for a while on what topic I can share with my ex-boss' firm.  I did a dissertation on Medical negligence in Malaysia that needs to be reformed.  I have done some cases on IP laws concerning mostly on trademark infringement and passing off issues.  I am very good in estate matters and goods sold and delivered, but that's generally a very boring topic.  I can share my opinion on issues and laws on euthanasia in Malaysia.  I can talk about the importance of e-commerce law in Malaysia post-Covid-19.  Then the list goes on and on and I realised, OK... that's so much in mind that I can share with others, which I have never taken the chance to share.   

But how good am I to a point I tell myself, I REALLY HATE MY JOB?  To be honest, I really hate my job.  Every morning I woke up and think about the job, because of job, I can bury myself in the works that I need to accomplish.  Ever since the ship arrest matter, every single time I switch on the computer and started to work, I realised, I don't have time for anything else.  I don't have time to cook myself lunch or even order lunch.  I missed out lunchtime.  I miss out to sort out all other personal things, calling friends, checking on friends and relatives, say hi to friends, etc. etc.  Everything is all about work and work and work.  

I don't even have time to study the bible and be with God every day.  Some times, it's just read the daily devotion that sent into my email inbox every day.  I forgot how important it is to start the day with Him.  It's literally like, "Hi, sorry God, I am busy, maybe I call you again when I am less busy, could be next month". 

When I read the bible verse quoted above, I know.... that how much I need to hate my job in order for me to follow Him.  I always say God never loves me, God forgot about me.  But the truth is, it's the other way round.  I forgot God and He's angry and yet He is still waiting for me ... even though I said June or next month or whatever.......  He's angry but yet He still loves me.... and you know that feeling exactly when you angry with your son or daughter but at the same time you love them still. 

I need to be dead - not to love my life AT ALL.  That's what He has been telling me all along.  To not love my life.  But I have not been able to grasp the other less He has been trying to tell me... to follow Him so I can bear fruits.  When I have to choose between works or to leave my comfort zone for Him, I never know that moment when I have to act is THAT difficult.   

May is ending and it seems like I have more cases coming in, with the future prospect of working with ex-boss' firm, etc.  Future seems 'brighter', and so, I am wondering if it is really time for me to close the firm and moves on.  How much do I hate my life?  I used to hate it so much that I rather I don't have life to continue with.  

Which is harder? 

- Die or love? - 

The law

Law. 

Whenever I have a conversation with some friends about the situation in HK, I always think that some people are misusing their understanding of laws that they think they know better and goes against the police and the enforcement.  Oh well, not that the all the policeman are 'righteous' enough not to be accused of.  Some I am sure was emotionally challenged and acted out of control too.  Anyway, we noted that there are people who hate the law and there are people think the law is good and even need to be tightened.  

There are people whom we tried to reach out to always commented that, they do not like to be Christian because there are too many laws and rules and regulations.  "I won't be able to get drunk, have sex with multiple partners or even smoke if I become a Christian".  "I would rather keep that 'freedom' I have so I can enjoy a better life.  So yes, I can live without God".    

God never says keeping the law, and you will go to heaven or have your salvation.   There's no way that one will receive salvation and/or grace by what they do or not do.  The existence of the law is so that we realised how sinful we are, how weak we are, how much we need God's help and His grace.  Most of the people whom I met in Court who committed crimes know that they committed crimes but still maintain that they are 'innocent' and 'right' and they claimed all the rights they have and if a lawyer or there's no law that's available to get them out of their crimes committed, they blame the legal system, the laws and the lawyers.  Some of them even blame society, etc.  Some of them blame that they do not know the laws and that's why they shouldn't be subject to the laws.  They got angry and dissatisfied because the law exposed how guilty they are and how much sins and crimes they have committed.  

Only when sentencing and punishment are pronounced that they started to fear and ask and beg the Judge to give lenient and lighter sentencing and punishment.  They then begged for grace, by telling the Judge that, they are the sole breadwinner for the family, they have an elder at home that needs to be taken care of by them, this is their first offence, they were being cheated by the co-accused, they were sick, etc. etc.  

As a Christian, most of the time were are like that too.  Over the years, I have committed too many mistakes and sin and I have been telling God that, I am so not worthy to be your child and I do not deserve for you to die on the cross for those non-sense things I have committed. I have even come to accept that if God has decided not to love me anymore, that's on me and it's not Him who rejected me.  

The law was 'added because of transgressions" until Christ came (Galatians 3:19).  This verse has reminded me that if I have gone past the part where I will be punished by the law and come to ask for His grace and mercy and promise that I will do better because He loves me, then I am saved.  

I am glad that I am being vindicated of my sin and wrongdoing.  I am glad He never is faithful and He is still loving me like He used to love me.  I am glad He never reject me.  I am glad He is still with me and guiding me through.  He is the only one who still accepts me as who I am with all my failure, mistakes and sin, I finally feel how much He truly loves me and I am thankful that He is willing to accept me as who I am and continue to forgive me and love me.  

Thank you, Lord, for letting me know about your love and grace through the laws.  

- the law -