Achievement | No. 2

I consider myself who is below normal, i.e.  I always think I am one who is just someone who will not achieve much in life because I am not smarter than anyone, I am not richer than anyone, I am not as hard-working as others and I certainly not someone who is sociable enough to have a good connection with business partners or counterparts.  I am just not someone who everyone will love to connect and hang out with.  I grew up thinking if I am not dead by starving, that would be good enough. Furthermore, with all my health conditions I have since young, I do not expect I will live for too long or rather, I wish I don't live a long life. 

I turned 45 this year.  Amazing achievement because as health is getting weaker by the day, I can still reach year 45.  For many, achieving RM1 million before age 25 is an achievement; having a family by the age of 25 is an achievement; getting a job is an achievement; being able to feed the family is an achievement; being able to travel to London once is an achievement; being able to speak is an achievement; being able to stand up on stage once is an achievement; being able to sleep more than 8 hours a day is an achievement; being able to walk 0.1 miles is an achievement and the list goes on.  We all have that aim to achieve.  Not a person's achievement is greater than the other.  For someone who has RM1 to start off life with, being able to earn RM100 a day is deemed as a success.  For someone who is blind, being able to walk to the store him/herself and back home safely without a trip is an achievement. 

Having (-) or debts and bad health to start life with, I am grateful that I have 'achieved' so much as of today.  (a)  I am able to sleep more than 5 hours a day; (b)  I am able to survive until 45 without being adjudicated bankrupt; (c)  I am able to pay my car and housing loan without a single default so far; (d) I am able to pay my staff for the past 8 years; (e) I am able to bring my mom to UK for holiday for at least 3 times; (f) I am able to stay healthy; (g) I am able to communicate with people; (h) I am still able to make some friends; (i) I am able to go for mission trips; (j) I am able to cook for myself; (k) I am able to read, play guitar, play table tennis, rope jumping, jogging, running (with or without pain on certain part of my body); (l) I am still able to work; (m) I am still very much connected socially even though the church or members of the church are totally cut off from me; (n) I am still able to attend church services even though it's a once a week kind of thing;  and the lists go on.... and last but not least, I am still very much alive and that's my achievement.  

It's not an easy journey but whenever I look back and wonder how I get through all those days until today, there's no other answer than, it is HIM.  How do I get businesses, having an income, having work, etc, even while I have to go through surgery and stayed home for months if not years?  If it is not from God, I do not know how all these happened.  

My greatest achievement, to be honest, is that of all that has happened, is that I managed to hold on to Him, even though there are many times, I almost gave up.  Was it my efforts to hold on to Him? No. it's not entirely my effort.  He loves me so much that He never gave up on me and He NEVER let me go. In whatever situation I was and am in, He is here with me, guiding me, protecting me and blessing me.  My greatest achievement is turning around, get rid of my rebellious and testing attitudes and get back to Him and hug Him tight.  

God certainly has His purpose and when He moves things and make sure I go for 2 mission trips which were not within my comfort zone, I know there's a reason behind and I am glad I went, even though in fear and out of the comfort zone.  That's the greatest achievement so far, to be getting back to Him.  

What's my next aim? To stay alive and continue to hold on to Him and to serve Him the way He wants me to (and I wonder what and how).  Well, Lord, surprise me! 

- Achievement | No. 2 -  

Future | Chapter 1

It would be right if I say, we can plan for the future or we can foresee how future is pursuant to our current situation, action and wishes but none of us can really know what happen in future.  Everyone who venture or invested into a business in Semporna in the recent months if not years, thought they will be earning a lot and be wealthy in no time many months ago, but not since Covic-19 hit China and the Sabah government has taken drastic steps to forbid the entrance of any China nations to enter into the soil of Sabah on the basis that, Sabah has no sufficient facilities and resources to combat the diseases if being affected.  The whole tourism industry in Sabah is being affected badly.  Well, many now suffer losses and many businesses ended up being closed down and everyone is basically hoping that this epidemic series will end soon.  

How are we going to plan for our future? Most of us will only come to mind about planning for their future in terms of finances.  Yes, it is important that finances is to be sound for the future, otherwise, we will not be able to survive well without any job or when we are unable to work.  So, first thing first, when we plan for our future, we plan for our own use, our children’s or dependent’s usages, our retirement, our future payment, our insurance, etc.  In view of that, money is what we focus on when it comes to thinking about future.  

Some people planned so well on their future that, it is deemed as a waste when he/she died unexpectedly, leaving lots of monies, which ends up benefited others.  Some people didn’t plan at all and they end up living till 90s and having no money to lives the rest of their life well.  Some relied solely on their husband or wife, and some relied on their parents and some has no one to rely on and worked very hard and ended having a meaningless life.  I am not sure which category are you falling into, but I wonder if you have any future plan after life? 

I mentioned ‘meaningless life’ earlier on.  I agree that everyone sees the meaning of life differently.  Some see life being successful when they have earning, got married, have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (May be) and died graciously.  Some got married and divorced, some got married, have kids, and lives in their hell-like marriage life.  Some didn’t get married and lives meaningfully, some resorted by being gay and lesbian and they deemed as successful when they managed and have guts to tell the world that they are gay and lesbian or even fly a rainbow flag outside their apartment.  Whatever kind of life you are having, I always think, it is successful as defined by the person who think that life that they are living in is ‘meaningful’.  Me, well, after sorting out all the debts in hand in the past 15 years, I deemed that my life is successful as I have started life with debts and now, debts free. That’s my success.  But to many, because I do not have a saving, I am a loser.  Well, saving is just about to start and I only have 20 years left to earn.  Is that going to be sufficient? I always think it is, because with all the sicknesses I have, I think i will die less than 20 years.  But, who knows? 20 years just went past without me realising it.  I have graduated from Uni 20 years ago and in these 20 years, many things happened and none of those that had happened, is what I have planned to lives on.  

As I sit here to wonder what’s my future is, I asked myself if planning for the next 20 to 30 years more important or planning for the ‘eternal life’ that I will have is more important.  What is there to prepare and plan for the ‘eternal life’ exactly? 

- Future | Chapter 1 - 

Dealing with the past

Last year April (2019), together with VT, we attended a conference to be guided to deal with our past.  The past that’s detrimental to our growth in Christ, the past that’s hindrance us from moving forward and the past that made us vulnerable or rather, feel vulnerable.  It’s a good 4 1/2 days conference, with their main focus on the Chinese believes and cultures.  It’s eyes opening to me because I don’t know 85% of the cultures and believes that they talked about.  Well, that will only means, my past was not dealt with the ‘Chinese cultures and believes’ so much that it has given me very concerned and bad effects in life today.  

Having said that, the way how the conference was conducted, however, gave me a guideline on how I can check on what and how things in the past has caused my thinking and reaction towards my future. The older I get, the clearer that certain events in the past did caused me think and react in certain ways. One example, I feel very upset and angry when someone told me he/she is ‘busy’ and therefore, not wanting to spend time even to text me back.  For many, it is understood that when someone is busy and they need to focus on their works and all, it is natural that text messages is the last thing they check on or reply, especially for matters that is not important.  For me, busy schedule (other things) is more important than me, i.e.  I am not important, I am being rejected.  That’s really something I need to learn how to let go. Over the years, I have been telling myself that, do I think some of my friends whom I have not contacted with for years is not important or I rejected them? I know the fact that this seldom happened, but yes, I don’t mean that too, even for those whom I hardly keep contact with.  Some of them, I know they wants me to back off and not disturb them, I will do that, because I care. I realised over the years that, I have been selfish. It’s all about me, rather than others.  Just because I feel rejected, I made demands that is almost impossible for any human to accomplished.  

At times, I even feel that God rejected me and gave better favour to others because I did not get what i wish and want from Him.  It’s all about me.  But everything happened in my life, should be all about Him.  Why He did what He did and what plans He has and had for me and for others, it’s all about accomplishing His plan and/or purpose and not mine.  

Whenever I think others are being selfish, I asked myself, if I am the one who is selfish? I am not doubting that others are smarter and gained better things in life, etc.  But did God not bless in enough? Am I not being taken care of all these years? Did I end up dead of hunger? What else do I need and want? God has been graceful enough to see me going through all these for years and yet He never punishes, take away everything from me, and still waiting patiently for me to ‘return’ to Him and focus on Him entirely.  Has not God being merciful and graceful to me? 

These four (4) months has been kind of a roller coaster ride for me.  Besides planning what’s next after the 15 years contract with God ended and dealing with myself in recovery from surgery and all, I really wonder now, ‘what’s next’ especially the feeling of knowing that the current chapter is coming to an end, but no door is open for the future yet.  The scariest thing is that I heard Him saying, just ends it and then I will show you.  SERIOUSLY? Do I have that kind of faith to do that? I beg the Lord for grace and mercy, at least to show me the ‘opening door’ before asking me to end the current one.  Lord, have mercy upon me. 

No.  I don’t think God rejected me.  I think I rejected His plan for me many times because of my selfish ambitious and wishes.  I always think He indebted to me because He said he will give me abundant life to the fullest and yet I am not having it.  Well, I don’t think I can win that argument to be honest.  It’s not about me having it or not.  I realised, it is whether it fits into His plan and whether it is good for me.  I have to believe and have faith in Him that He is doing all His best to give me the best at the same time, to let me into His plan.  I am not being rejected, even though He has all the reason to.  

- Dealing with the past -