Fighting

As usual, it's Chinese New Year and the news came that my brother and his family will be going home for Chinese New Year.  I forgot how much frustration i can get whenever they are around.  I once told myself, I should not stay with them more than 3 days, but I forgot all about it.

They came back for 5 days.  Each time they are back, there's something we need to fix after they left.  Last year was a new wok.  I have to purchased a new wok for my mom because one of them don't know how to wash a non-stick wok and I seriously have no idea how it happen.  This year, I suffer a total of 4 days without a proper shower head.  Some bloody itchy hand does that obviously and it spoiled the shower head and it's just bad.

I am not trained or raised to do nothing and being SERVED.  From my brother, it's already bad, but i did not know my sister in law is equally bad and so, the children is TERRIBLE too.  The girl completely like a princess not knowing how to do a simple task and she never listen to anyone's teaching.  She just want to be who she is.  Seeking attention is all she knows and character is as bad as her mother.  The son is better.... at least when I call him to get things done, he will get it done, properly.  If he doesn't know how to do it, he will ask, listen and do it. Chinese New year to me is ... being a maid.  Not that I do not want to help out my mom.  But seeing my mom not having them around for meals sucks.  They really treat it like a hotel.  When they reach home, they go to their room and never shows up until they are about to leave the house for their 'enjoyable event'.

With all the assignment, tutorials and studies going on, I seriously feel very lonely and sad.  I wasn't sure why I was in Tawau.  Anyhow, guess not many realised, I didn't attend church. It's just not a place to be at anymore.  It's time to move on seriously....

So, it is time to move on with assignment and all ... trying to finish all my tasks ...  and disregards whether I do it well or not.  The new system is not as good as previous one and I certainly don't know if i can pass this one.  More so, this assignment is rather ... too much to chew and digest.

All I can say is, it's a challenging year ahead.  Lord, have mercy on me!

- Fighting -

Selfishness!

It was a four lanes road with the most right turning to right or making a U turn.  The lane next to it is to either turn right or go straight.  Cars coming from afar would be able to choose their path accordingly.  There's always a way to get you back to where you were suppose to go if you went into a wrong lane.  i.e.  if you are on the second right lane and you want a U turn, all you need to is to go straight and make a U turn in front instead.  This particular of car is annoying.  We all queue because somehow, KK people tend not to know how to make a U turn and it's always slow.  This black car came all the way with speed, pass through a lot of car and trying to cut in to the right lane, where i was, from the second right.  His intention was not known to me because the car was just right behind me and it's signal was in my blind spot.  It turned without consideration, thinking I would have seen his signal and will obliged to allow him to cut in the lane.  I went pass him, be it intentionally or unintentionally, it was MY lane and my turn.  Without any consideration, he raised his horn and horned me.  I was puzzled, brake and he horned again.  I wonder, what sort of people this is.... he went into a wrong lane himself and yet, when people didn't give in to his way, he got angry with OTHERS ? Selfishness.
Some people somehow, made a mistake, and they thought by saying sorry and all that they did will be wipe away and all that responsibilities can now be shifted and handed over to others.  I wonder how it works.  Unless the person never understood how that mistake they made has caused others to feel and handle.  Selfishness exactly.  They only think about themselves.  When things are not in their ways, there it goes, they put all the blames to others.  They never put themselves into others shoes and think how others would have handle and now, what to do.  Unfortunately, we human is not like a toy, we came with emotions, feelings, spirits and soul.  We cannot mend things just by sawing it up.
There's something I am born with, which I guess not many would understand., that is NOT selfishness.  The needs of others is what I usually noticed and took heart on.  You can't force me or push me to NOT to attend to others need.  And priorities goes to the one in need the most.  It's something bad obviously.  It's always others and not myself.
My mom was telling me she called my brother and scolded him for not updating her what's going on with him and his family, etc.  and she said my brother replied her saying, he is born that way.  Always only being selfish.  True enough.  He is and he always is.  Hence, he always acted like a boss and in him, it is only him him him.  I am just totally opposite.
However, after today, I have decided that, i will NOT bother much about him and his family needs.  I will just answer " I am sorry, I cannot afford and I can't help much".
If I ever get depressed, it's going to be from the same reason, that is PEOPLE.
Speaking of selfishness, it is time to be selfish and treat myself better.  Anything that hindrance me shall be pushed away completely.

- selfishness -

Reminder: Back on track and be faithful to the end!

Just about a month or two back, I was sitting in church, waiting for the service to start and I realised, I am still .... very much influenced by the 'musical instruments' instead of the rest.... I definitely not a person whom I can memorise the lyrics of songs.... and if you ask me to clap hands while I sing, it's a bit difficult because somehow, my fingers and minds, all turns into playing the instruments - or moving without holding the instruments in hand.  Somehow, that part of me seems..... activated by the sounds of musics.  It has been a long while since I pick up my guitar and play some songs.  At one point, I wasn't sure if I still know how to play a guitar.  The guitar in my room was definitely covered by at least half cm of dust.  

I went to Melbourne and my two cousins always never fail to convince and remind me that I am such a musician and/or someone who is passion with musics.  To them, I don't lives without music, more so, playing guitar and/or musical instruments.  I told Sarah since few years back that I wanted to learn Ukulele and we did exchanged some information about it and we did talked about it occasionally when we meet.  I have mentioned more than 3 years now that i wanted to visit her in Melbourne and we will go to every music shops in town.  So, finally, I paid her a visit.... promised fulfilled. hahaha.... planned so hard because of my schedule, Ellie (my dear niece) schedule and Sarah's schedule.  

Almost every single night, we played Ukulele and guitar during my stay.  Somehow, she brought me back to have the passion to play musical instrument again.  I didn't know how much I love it until we play the instruments together and we were exchanging knowledge on songs and the strumming and the chords, etc.  It's fun. 

Ever since I got back from Melbourne and I sat in the church .... somehow... my focus was on the band/worship team.  They were not perfect.  They play as if they HAVE their duty to fulfil.  They didn't BRING OUT the music live as it should.  It's a disappointment, but yet, I have no complain because if i think I can do better, then I should be up there rather than sitting down at the pew.  Then, while i was watching ... and pondering.... this scene back in 1997-1998 flashed back.  I was in my 1st and 2nd year in Bristol, UK.  Christ Church Clifton is the church I visited and attended then.... lovely huge Cathedral with at least 1500-2000 congregation and at that time, the church service worship was led by an orchestra.  Impressively.... and always brought up the best music on Sunday morning.  I love the church, particular the Orchestra.  Every single week I went earlier and every sunday, this group of people I saw, were very professionally handle and playing their musical instruments.  

I couldn't recall anyone of them now.... except one particular old lady whose face is still imprinted in my mind, strongly and clearly.  white hair, hunch back, old, with glasses .... dressed very neatly and clean... and always sat in the most front role with her violin. She was there, every single sunday.  I observed her ... and realised, her hand wouldn't able to move faster than any younger violinist.  Instead of two full bows, she probably play one ... but she never failed in catching up with the rest and she has never fail to absent because she is old, she is not as active and she is probably not being noticed by anyone.  Her devotion in serving the Lord is clear.... her focus was clear... if she is given an opportunity to serve the Lord, she will make herself available.  I was guessing that she was at her 70-80 when i met her.  I went back to the same church last year, i looked in front, there's a lot of changes.... but one thing it never changed, is that, she has definitely encouraged, and imprinted that lesson in my heart forever. 

I asked then.... will I because the church is lousy, the leader is lousy and things are lousy that I will stop serving the Lord. Will I be like that old lady....? to serve Him again despite my past, my inability, the non-qualified requirements, etc? I guess the Lord look at our heart rather than our ability, isn't it? So, I was telling myself, If Danny is moving back, I shall seek the Lord if I will go back to serve Him in the worship team again.  

Just before I tell anyone about that, i didn't know Danny spoke to Leane about having the 1st mission set,  - that is to get me back to worship team asap.  I only realised that 1 month after that and Danny told me to consider while I say, you come back then we talk.  And Leane heard our conversation and stunned together with Danny and said.... OK!  Leane said, that sound a bit too easy to be a mission for Danny.  I didn't say a word. 

Obviously, it's time.... to move on.  To board the train to go to the next destination.  

- Reminder:  Back on track and be faithful to the end! -