Connected again!

I guess it was Bishop John's sharing prior to his sabbatical leave that somehow 'summarised' what I felt when I was down and depressed few years back.  The moment that he mentioned about feeling not enjoying the company of people around, somehow, reminded me about how I was.  I wanted to be left alone.  But somehow, people think I am strange and have problem.  Oh yes, problem it is.... but can't people understand the needs of one of having been left alone? I mean..... sometime, we all do, don't we?

Being connected again didn't started just like that. Some really truly amazing people like Hz has played a big huge part of it to get my 'connected' back to people.... to the real 'me', i.e. being around people all the time, helping people all the time, lending a helping hand any time others need, serving and ministering people arounds me, enjoy fellowship around friends, having friends and relatives and family arounds for meals, etc.  I don't think I would be able to get back to myself if not because of Hz. I might not have been 'out' from the 'disconnected' me now if not because of her.

Pushing myself to church probably is one of the hardest thing to do after the sickness.  I know i need to. My mom will call every sunday evening to ask if I manage to go to church.  Hz will call on Saturday night to make sure I plan to go to church the next day. Danny and Jenny would make sure they put a smile in their face and hug me whenever they saw me in church.  Somehow, after they left, they have left Leane to me. Leane will make sure I go to church and at the same time, I would do the same to 'check' on her.  So yes... somehow that's how it started.... of course VT make sure she will join Sunday service if I am around in KK for church too.  Some people do extra.... to make things 'happen' in me.

I will say, I am 'back' to the 'me', but somehow, I do have some reserves.  I am making sure, I will not be around people who will 'pull me down the drain'... i will make sure I will not be around people that's negative and caused me unhappy.  I will only cling to people who is 'beneficial' to me.  That's the distinction I have between previously and now.  Among the group, I did noticed some 'negative' effect people and immediately, i realised, I draw a line, very clearly...... to avoid being hurt and avoid being 'used' anymore. There are times, most of the time, I will say, NO to things I don't feel comfortable doing.

Life has not been the same anymore.  But one thing for sure is, I am back, being connected with people again, for real!

- Connected again! -

It's time.....

It's time .... to call 'STOP' ... for me to continue loving others.  It's just too hard and too hard and very hard.  People just don't get along naturally.  Some, demand a lot from me.  Some, gave a lot.... and yet some, just being neutral.  Some complain to me and question me why I love A and B and C since they are not perfect.  Some, complain, i should stop loving people who took me for granted.  It's just hard to balance.
I have been TRYING very hard to love those who are not lovable for years.  That's the heart of a shepherd i guess.... that God has installed in me.  After not being a cell leader for years now, I am still trying my best to not let my sheep stray away from the Lord.  Be it the church is not lovable by many, I am trying to maintain that, the church is not, but God is.  I am still bringing my sheep back to the LORD and not the church.  I get around with them in the 'working world' and I am getting with them and trying to help me whenever I am able to.  At some point of time, I forgot, when and where to draw the line (I never have drawn any before until one day, I did.... for protection purposes).
I seriously don't mind people taking me for granted.  How much can they take from me? I am so limited with knowledge, finances and time.  So, it is ok to take me for granted.  I am more concern about they have hurt me in the way i couldn't contain.
Many came in and went out.... of my life.  They only need me and love me the way they want me to be, not the way i am.  Something, I cannot perform at all.  I am who i am.  I love those who are not lovable.  I let people took me for granted.  I go all out to help others.  Not all, understood that my heart and my sprit within me.  Instead of loving me of who I am, almost everyone is forcing me to be someone they desire.  I am sorry to let you down.  I am not perfect and I am definitely cannot change myself to be someone you can love.  If it is too hard for you, you may exit.
- It's time... -

To love again?

Today's sermon was about being in service for God.  The topic is in conjunction with the Diocese Welfare/mission month and in order to encourage us to go for mission, the priest spoken about love.  Just this morning, I was reminded that... "i need to be careful in loving".  That's because I always get hurt at the end, or.... I will end up being very vulnerable and depressed.  

It wasn't easy indeed to have a group of people i hold dear, gather together for drinks and fellowship. I will definitely setting a boundaries and say "no" to any invitation if this happen to be few years ago.  I am not sure who started this, but definitely not me who initiate ....  First, with Danny and Jenny who 'disturb' my peace once in a blue moon by jenny insisted to stay at my place for TV and Danny and I went for pool games.  Then Siew May and Vui Theng who bugs me once every few weeks after Danny and Jenny has left.  Then I have no idea how does 38 group started and I was being added.  

It took quite an efforts to get close to the 38 group.  As skeptical as I am, nothing goes without any suspicions and I am always keeping a 'boundary' and still, didn't share much about myself.  All these, for a reason - stay away so I don't get hurt AGAIN.  

To ask me to love again seems to be something very difficult to do.  Even though someone think it runs in my blood and I just couldn't stop loving others more than myself.  And they also think, getting hurt is definitely something I cannot get away with.  So, even with that 'warning', i am telling myself, I will do what I can to minimise the 'severity of hurts' I will be getting. 

The last time I love others and the church and Christ to the fullest, was probably the last time I will love as such.  It still hurt somehow, when I was reminded by church sermons today.  Indeed, it really need a huge efforts to overcome this.  

I am amazed by some who really put a lot of efforts on me.  I really and truly appreciate this.  I guess, only being loved, only than I love again? But I guess my expectation toward love somehow, gets higher.... and it's really not as easy as telling me that you love me anymore. 

I wonder... If i can step out of the comfort zone once again... 

- to love again? -