To love again?

Today's sermon was about being in service for God.  The topic is in conjunction with the Diocese Welfare/mission month and in order to encourage us to go for mission, the priest spoken about love.  Just this morning, I was reminded that... "i need to be careful in loving".  That's because I always get hurt at the end, or.... I will end up being very vulnerable and depressed.  

It wasn't easy indeed to have a group of people i hold dear, gather together for drinks and fellowship. I will definitely setting a boundaries and say "no" to any invitation if this happen to be few years ago.  I am not sure who started this, but definitely not me who initiate ....  First, with Danny and Jenny who 'disturb' my peace once in a blue moon by jenny insisted to stay at my place for TV and Danny and I went for pool games.  Then Siew May and Vui Theng who bugs me once every few weeks after Danny and Jenny has left.  Then I have no idea how does 38 group started and I was being added.  

It took quite an efforts to get close to the 38 group.  As skeptical as I am, nothing goes without any suspicions and I am always keeping a 'boundary' and still, didn't share much about myself.  All these, for a reason - stay away so I don't get hurt AGAIN.  

To ask me to love again seems to be something very difficult to do.  Even though someone think it runs in my blood and I just couldn't stop loving others more than myself.  And they also think, getting hurt is definitely something I cannot get away with.  So, even with that 'warning', i am telling myself, I will do what I can to minimise the 'severity of hurts' I will be getting. 

The last time I love others and the church and Christ to the fullest, was probably the last time I will love as such.  It still hurt somehow, when I was reminded by church sermons today.  Indeed, it really need a huge efforts to overcome this.  

I am amazed by some who really put a lot of efforts on me.  I really and truly appreciate this.  I guess, only being loved, only than I love again? But I guess my expectation toward love somehow, gets higher.... and it's really not as easy as telling me that you love me anymore. 

I wonder... If i can step out of the comfort zone once again... 

- to love again? - 

Out of the comfort zone!

Getting out of the comfort zone, be it in my work place or in home or my daily routine lifestyle.... take a lot of efforts.  It's not as easy as 1, 2, 3 ... in fact, to lift up that first step and place it in the 'non-comfort zone' do need a huge amount of energy, sacrifices, pain and suffering.....

It might not be a 'problem' for anyone who is always expressive.  However, it is definitely MY problem.  You won't find me telling you I love you, even if i do, a lot and you can feel that I do.  Vice versa.... I won't tell you out of your face that I do not want to see you.

It's hard, for me... when clients requested me to visit them in Xiamen, China. I refused.  But they insisted.  I couldn't see the purpose of going there, but they insisted. After a few weeks of trying, I asked a friend to go with me and clients agreed to bear costs either. So, we went.  I am seriously glad that she went with me.  She's not only a PA (personal assistant), she is very encouraging, easy to deal with, very relaxing and comforting friend.  I wouldn't know what I will be if not because of her.  She certainly has made me feel better when I got scolded so badly by all the parties over some misunderstanding they themselves created.  Heated arguments between the two parties has somehow made one party put me on the 'plate' and it got worse each day.... I would have just board a plane and left the bloody place if not because she was trying to calm me down, cheers me up to face every single day's challenges.  When everyone wants to make me drink alcohol, she finished them all for me, knowing that, I wouldn't be able to get that done myself.

We would just get out of our room, sneak out the hotel and went for an ice cream and a walk after a bad long day.  Giving me a pat on my shoulder is what she did when she sensed that I am almost standing up on my feet, wanted to point my finger and start scolding everyone.  I would say, it's certainly one good decision made to brought her along this trip.  God must be hearing my prayers.... made her quit her job on time... for this trip. hahahaha....

Each night.... one of our must have conversation is, whether we should just stop by HK just to chill.  Being very co-operative, she goes with whatever decision I made.  I have been saying "NO" until when we boarded the plane from Xiamen to HK (delayed by 1 1/2 hours).  I told client's daughter in law sitting on my left first that we are stopping by HK before I told her we are stopping by HK.  She was cool about it.  Making the stay more worth it, she won a prize of HKD1000 dining voucher.  She brought me to the Japanese place, ate an expensive oysters and Wayu beef and let me share her frozen beer (Grapes).  I let her planned the evening and she let me plan the next day.

Most of the time, we don't need to speak much.... she's like someone who can read my mind.  When I saw a cartoon bag, i looked at her, she is already laughing.... and she told me, 'she saw and she knows what i wanna say'.  Well, it's weird.... a short few days.... from an 'uncomfortable' non close friend.... we became friend that we can share jokes, pain and all with.

- out of the comfort zone -

Dad's?

I keep asking how come my father is not rich!!! He started to work as a teacher since age 21. How can he not be a rich man? How come he has to struggle to life so difficult until he retired? How come he earned respect instead of being rich? Where are all his monies? 

It's Father's Day two Sunday ago and I saw my youngest uncle wishes my dad happy Father's Day and said my dad has always like a father to and for him. That reminds me my mom's complains... That my dad always gave all his monies to his siblings. If not because of my mom, we wouldn't even able to survive well. So, where are my dad's monies? Yes.... Never get to save up because of his siblings.... Until even to take care of my grandma when she grew old, it's all my dad's responsibilities. 

From school to being married and have their own children, my uncles and aunties don't do much to contribute or help out my dad, including us. 

I never get any help much from them. Instead when my grandma passed away, every grandchildren of hers get some money because they came back for funeral, and I didn't get a cent out of it. Everyone of them said I don't need it. I never forget that moment. Not that I need the money, but it's all about fairness. 

It has been 5 years since dad had stroke. I can say, they have not being bothering much with us and how we cope. May be the first year they care a lot, but definitely not for the past 4 years. We can literally know who cares and who don't. I don't blame them.... Because my own brother also don't bother much. Even if he get most of my parents' monies to study oversea. He never need to work whole studying. Unlike me..... Worked like a cow always...

So, my life is deprived of all that I need and wish because of this bunch of people. I certainly won't ask help from any of them. Instead, I won't do anything good for them either.

But just because I am a lawyer, my  beloved uncles and aunties always take things for granted. I have somehow realised this: no need to treat other good including my sibling. I need to have extra before I can give. So, uncle and Aunty, stop trying...... 

Life is too tough for me to give away what I earn. 

- dad's-