Out of the comfort zone!

Getting out of the comfort zone, be it in my work place or in home or my daily routine lifestyle.... take a lot of efforts.  It's not as easy as 1, 2, 3 ... in fact, to lift up that first step and place it in the 'non-comfort zone' do need a huge amount of energy, sacrifices, pain and suffering.....

It might not be a 'problem' for anyone who is always expressive.  However, it is definitely MY problem.  You won't find me telling you I love you, even if i do, a lot and you can feel that I do.  Vice versa.... I won't tell you out of your face that I do not want to see you.

It's hard, for me... when clients requested me to visit them in Xiamen, China. I refused.  But they insisted.  I couldn't see the purpose of going there, but they insisted. After a few weeks of trying, I asked a friend to go with me and clients agreed to bear costs either. So, we went.  I am seriously glad that she went with me.  She's not only a PA (personal assistant), she is very encouraging, easy to deal with, very relaxing and comforting friend.  I wouldn't know what I will be if not because of her.  She certainly has made me feel better when I got scolded so badly by all the parties over some misunderstanding they themselves created.  Heated arguments between the two parties has somehow made one party put me on the 'plate' and it got worse each day.... I would have just board a plane and left the bloody place if not because she was trying to calm me down, cheers me up to face every single day's challenges.  When everyone wants to make me drink alcohol, she finished them all for me, knowing that, I wouldn't be able to get that done myself.

We would just get out of our room, sneak out the hotel and went for an ice cream and a walk after a bad long day.  Giving me a pat on my shoulder is what she did when she sensed that I am almost standing up on my feet, wanted to point my finger and start scolding everyone.  I would say, it's certainly one good decision made to brought her along this trip.  God must be hearing my prayers.... made her quit her job on time... for this trip. hahahaha....

Each night.... one of our must have conversation is, whether we should just stop by HK just to chill.  Being very co-operative, she goes with whatever decision I made.  I have been saying "NO" until when we boarded the plane from Xiamen to HK (delayed by 1 1/2 hours).  I told client's daughter in law sitting on my left first that we are stopping by HK before I told her we are stopping by HK.  She was cool about it.  Making the stay more worth it, she won a prize of HKD1000 dining voucher.  She brought me to the Japanese place, ate an expensive oysters and Wayu beef and let me share her frozen beer (Grapes).  I let her planned the evening and she let me plan the next day.

Most of the time, we don't need to speak much.... she's like someone who can read my mind.  When I saw a cartoon bag, i looked at her, she is already laughing.... and she told me, 'she saw and she knows what i wanna say'.  Well, it's weird.... a short few days.... from an 'uncomfortable' non close friend.... we became friend that we can share jokes, pain and all with.

- out of the comfort zone -

Dad's?

I keep asking how come my father is not rich!!! He started to work as a teacher since age 21. How can he not be a rich man? How come he has to struggle to life so difficult until he retired? How come he earned respect instead of being rich? Where are all his monies? 

It's Father's Day two Sunday ago and I saw my youngest uncle wishes my dad happy Father's Day and said my dad has always like a father to and for him. That reminds me my mom's complains... That my dad always gave all his monies to his siblings. If not because of my mom, we wouldn't even able to survive well. So, where are my dad's monies? Yes.... Never get to save up because of his siblings.... Until even to take care of my grandma when she grew old, it's all my dad's responsibilities. 

From school to being married and have their own children, my uncles and aunties don't do much to contribute or help out my dad, including us. 

I never get any help much from them. Instead when my grandma passed away, every grandchildren of hers get some money because they came back for funeral, and I didn't get a cent out of it. Everyone of them said I don't need it. I never forget that moment. Not that I need the money, but it's all about fairness. 

It has been 5 years since dad had stroke. I can say, they have not being bothering much with us and how we cope. May be the first year they care a lot, but definitely not for the past 4 years. We can literally know who cares and who don't. I don't blame them.... Because my own brother also don't bother much. Even if he get most of my parents' monies to study oversea. He never need to work whole studying. Unlike me..... Worked like a cow always...

So, my life is deprived of all that I need and wish because of this bunch of people. I certainly won't ask help from any of them. Instead, I won't do anything good for them either.

But just because I am a lawyer, my  beloved uncles and aunties always take things for granted. I have somehow realised this: no need to treat other good including my sibling. I need to have extra before I can give. So, uncle and Aunty, stop trying...... 

Life is too tough for me to give away what I earn. 

- dad's-

Lives as if it is your last moment

That's exactly how I have lives like for the past 4 years.  Lives as if it is my last moment in life.  Ever since I know that I could have been dead and/or I will one day be gone has made me lives everyday like it is my last.  I treasure every moment in my life, making sure it's 'lived' without any regret.  This, should not be the way it is for those who has some disease in them.  This, should be for everyone on earth.  No one know how and when we are going to die.
A friend's mother just past away after a week of being admitted to the hospital.  She was shocked to be told her mom got admitted.  I urged her to go home the next day before i left to a half day trip to Sandakan.  When I reached airport, she's at airport waiting for her flight.  We chat.... and she doesn't seems to be ready for the departure of her mother, even though she do know, her mother has not been well for the past one year.  Life is unpredictable.  I am glad she went home, spent a day with her mother before her mother collapsed completely and was admitted to ICU without the ability to breath by her own.
Today, she's sorting out things for her mom's funeral the whole day.  That's how short life is.  I am not sure how ready we all are, to face the death and also to lost someone we hold dearly.  It's no surprise to see my dad in the current stage, knowing that his condition will only deteriorate.  But it is somehow, heartbreaking to see how my dear mother coping with life as such.  Having the needs to take care of her husband, taking care of her daughter who is always in the run, worry about her son's family, etc.  Is that all of a life? If I didn't call her today and if she is gone tomorrow, yesterday would be our last communication. But well, who can guarantee we are still living tomorrow? or .. the next hour?
Life is shorter than what we expected.  We all thought having been in a different stage of life, our life is 'longer'... but that's not right.  According to His timing..... we only have 'a lifetime'.  Are we doing what we ought to do or rather, are we doing what we are assigned to do by Him? What if you haven't finish the assignment and He has taken you away? Is that mean we have missed the 'greatest' opportunity?
How do we lives or sustain our lives? By worrying about whether I have money to pay my staff next month or whether I will get pay next month or whether the loan i apply will be approved? or are we focusing on whether we have done what He has assigned us to do?
I am reminded again .... today, of what I should be focusing on.... and not what 'life' generally focuses on.

- Lives as if it is your last moment -