Love...

After years of being in this professions, I stop trying to understand what love is. Apart from knowing God loves me unconditionally.... I have to agree and accept that no one else in this world besides my parents will love me unconditionally and regardless of who I am. Even this, it took me years to finally get my mom to love me of whom I am.... I understand I am not 'ordinary' and I am definitely as lovely as others..... 

However, being loved by others seems like what God want me to realised over the past few years.... God seems to proves my theory or understanding wrong by sending people to love me..... I admit I used to stay on to that theory of mine and stay away from people....and refuse to accept that there will be people who do loves me..... Well, to begin with, I am not someone who is easy to be loved and I do not want to trouble others with that....

Well, over the years, I am overwhelmed with joy and comforts over people who know how to loves me, I.e. Be around when I needed them, give me space when I needed it, warm my heart when it's cold, making sure I step into the church when I don't feel like doing that, joke with me, cry with me, pray with me, battle the difficulties of my life with me.... Etc. etc. and even go bankrupt and travel with me.... Haha.....

Nothing is better in life than this..... Even if I have to face death next, I am contented of having all these people arounds me for the past few years.....

Thank you..... And I love you so much!!!

-love-

Moody & Fatigue

I hate being alone over the weekend not having much things to aim for. Previous year, I have assignments, tutorials and all to keep me occupied and it has been for a long while now, that I forgot how I got through my weekend before that. 

Worse still, I was so hurt by what my mom said about me on Friday night and no one seems to understand my feeling at all. I feel rejected, not being appreciated and I am just being 'forgotten' .... 

This morning I woke up and realized I am still suffering fatigue and stomach diaconfort. I commented about having dizziness while I was having gastric on fb after a friend's comment and I didn't realized it brought to my cousin's concern that I might be suffering from mild heart attack.

After talking to her for a while, we agreed that it might be the low and unusual haemoglobin level that caused lack of oxygen in my brain that caused anemia. 

The last blood test is a bit worrying indeed. Guess it is time to pay doctor a visit. But, can I not? 

Life ha not been giving me any excitement. Negativity set in more often than not these days. Easy entry indeed. 

With no chance to finish off my LLM, suddenly, I don't have anything to aim for or look forward to.  I don't know if it is blood thing. Life to me, is pointless. 

I am reaching 40. How long more to end this suffering? How much more life I can enjoy this creation of God? 

My health has been deteriorating ....  And I wonder if I will ever wake up the next day. 

- fatigue -

Happy new year!!!! - a new year prayer

"New".  I can feel a lot of people made lots of plans about new year eve, new year day, dinner, party, ... holiday, etc. etc.  As I was thinking to finish my assignment these 2 days, I did not success much because the bunch of friends i have in KK came over for dinner and to hang around until 1am.  And I have my uncle and aunty coming over for a 2 days stay - to attend a wedding.
However, i have done 85% of what I should be doing and I should be able to finalist two of the assignments soon.  All I need is 5 hours maximum.

New, is suppose to be happy, exciting, looking forward to.  I am not sure what it means to you for a new year to come.  May be you are anticipating its coming because you have a very bad 2014.  Or you want a change in your life, etc.  It was a crazy 2014 with a lots of step of faith in life happened.  I am not very sure if I like 2014 or don't like 2014.  2014 has given me not only once, but few months of heart attack due to lack of funds in the office.  It's a slow economic year.  Many didn't feel that as an employees.  I am not surprise.  But it's heart attack to me and my account staff for many months, thinking if we will alive the next month. hahahaha...  Anyhow, having faith in God for His providence seems like the only way out.  It's not an easy lesson.

I don't know how we are going to survive for January 2015 alone.... and so, I don't know if I will survive 2015 at all.  What more, when we had lots of laughters on the eve of 2015, I opened the news in the morning and saw many disasters and sadness still happening around the world.  Putting myself in the AA victim's family member, the ebola nurse, the shanghai deceased's family, the Italian ferry victim shoes.... how did they 'celebrated' their so call new year eve?

What's to be 'celebrate' about serious? I wonder....  where does 'future' lies? Do I want to wake up everyday worry about what to eat, where to get money ? Do I want to wake up everyday feeling 'hopeless'?  I plea for open doors, for opportunity, for blessing and prosperity......... is not just my prayer this morning, but .... a plea.....

- God, have mercy on me! -