Trust or love?

Either it is born with or due to some external factors, I always being regarded as one who do not have confidence in myself. Be it in my studies or sports, or music, or leadership, or making decision, etc. I always doubt myself and my ability. In my family, my mother always scolded me stupid when I was small. She always made comparison about me and my brother. I am never her favourite. Worse still, that later caused me to do everything she wishes me to do in the opposite way. My mom never praise me for things I did well. I always got discouraged and gave up on things easily. Not only my mom. My aunts, my grandma...... All did the same to me. I always feel I am not loved.

I am glad I have a dad who loves me that always encourage me. I remember I did very badly in my math in primary four and I know I will get scolding from my mom. But dad always encourage me to believe in my own ability. He even tried to tell me how much I shouldn't care so much about not being able to do well in math and the important to just do my best. Because of my dad, I did well for a few years. 

It's both my brother and my mother who got me to choose to study art class in form 4. My mom only listens to my brother. My mother think I wouldn't be able to cope well in science. I think I will do better in science. Now I am stuck. Anyway, no one believe in my ability except my dad. The moment when I told him I want to do law, he agrees. After stpm, he knew I wouldn't be able to study law with my result, in the local university, he told me to apply straight to study oversea. My academic result was never promising, but he always stand by me and encourage me, telling me I can do it. 

After working so many years, he gave me confidence to move a step forward to take over the firm from Kenneth. 

In gist, no one believes in me, except my dad. When someone called him and told him I am to kill myself, he was in shock. I msg him immediately and he said he knew I wouldn't do that.  Knowing how difficult depression was for me to handle, he called me every night around 830 when I will be feeling the worse, to just talk about things and get me prepare to sleep. All he told me was things like this will be over, sooner or later. It won't last forever. He knew I can get over with it. 

I might not be a brilliant smart person. I might not be as beautiful as others, or as girly as everyone wants me to be. But he never weight me the way others did. 

Confidence on me..... Or loves me? I think he might not have 100% confidence in me, but he does love me 100%.  That, I am very sure. 

-confidence or love? Love...-

Forgotten? Too busy? Less important?

Seriously, if it is not because someone reminded me, I have totally forgotten about having a blog which I used to update periodically, if not regularly. hahaha...  I just realised that my last update was in August this year.  It has been few months since I last updated it.  Guess my time were occupied fully by my 2 subjects.  I have no idea why did I selected 32 months programmes instead of 36 months and that makes me have to take 2 subjects in one of the semester, which I decided to choose it for this semester because starting next semester, i will have to start preparing and doing my dissertation.  Unfortunately, I will have to choose one of the subject this semester, which is never in my plan, Copyrights and its related laws.  I have no knowledge at all about copyrights.  I only deals with trademarks issues all these while and this is therefore, killing, especially when it covers not only the English copyrights law, but also, the Scottish, and the European community.

I am all right with the other subject - Medical ethics and its law.  But when I need to studied two subjects and to cope with my works and my parents, it's suffocating.  More so, with some terrible clients and their mentality (refusal to listens to advise) and so on, it just add on to the 'stress level'.

A friend asked me what caused me to be so stressful recently and when I told her I am studying 2 subjects this semester, she cried out and states that then I am like studying full time.  Seriously, I feel the same.  It's crazy when I was having court trials, a few matters for hearing in the High Court this semester as well.  Not to mention i have new cases which i need to do research and tackle before making any formal filing, etc.  On top of that, I do have a course work due on next Monday and yet, I am only 1/3 done with it.  Just when I was thinking to sort that out last night, my place electricity went off and I ended up went to bed earlier. After next week, my semester's studies should be ended (no more tutorials and discussions which i need to attend daily if not weekly), but I still have 2 assignments to pass up before Christmas, which needs all my time for research and reading.  I do not have high hope that I will get a good marks for these 2 subjects seriously.  All I am praying now is that I manage to pass up all my works before deadlines and to pass the 2 subjects.

It has been a crazy few months.  But having said that, life has gone past pretty fast because of all these busy schedule and agenda.  1 1/2 years more, or rather 3 more semester, and I should then finish my masters course.  The positive of studying this masters course is that, even if I eventually fail the course, I still gained lots of knowledge and updated laws, be it in the UK or EU, but also internationally.  That somehow, helps a lot with my cases especially on intellectual property law (i seriously hate this area of law, but somehow, i have gained some acknowledgement from the previous 2 cases I handled).

Well, life is like a roller coaster.....  I guess starting from next year, I will practising under the name and style of MP Pang & Co. instead of Kenneth Thien & Associates.  Tawau is still the best place to lives.

- Forgotten? - 

Submission

It's a topic both my staffs and I were discussing and brainstormed about during one of our lunch time while waiting for the food to come.  It's interesting when we discuss about submission.  Of, whether as employee, how hard is it for them to submit to lousy boss like me. hahahaha.... well, my staffs are both devoted christian stated that it's not difficult with me, but they do know and heard many of their friends' bosses are hard to deal with and at many times, they are not being persuaded to submit to their authorities.  I posted a question "Do you think as an employee, we have the rights to submit or not to submit?" to them and they ponder for a while before I continue to addressed about submission to human and to God.
In our church today, there are just many who are not happy with the young priests that's leading the church.  More so, they are not happy with the bishop(s), the House of Bishops, etc.  In a way, they are not happy with God's.  They cannot accept the fact, why God choose them and not some others.  When people opposed to the man and leaders God chosen, they are in a way, dissatisfy with God and God's decision.  I wonder for a long while, how many were not happy with Moses' leadership? How many were not happy with Esther? How many not happy with Samson? How about David? Jonathan?  Elijah? Paul? Doesn't matter whether you like it or not? Does God even fear the human dissatisfaction? Is your dissatisfaction over human being has hindrance God's kingdom to move forward? Where is the fear of the Lord in you that blind your eyes to see this?
I am very sure the winner is the Satan.  At least if they did not manage to destroy the church, they are happy enough to be able to destroy a few people's faith towards God.  How many can submit ourselves to man and leaders who are chosen by God?  If the leader which's chosen is not your favourite man, are you able to submit to God's chosen and God's authority?
One of my staff always tells me, "You are the boss, whatever you wish to do, we go with you".  We end up having very relaxing days these days without any 'fighting' with clients for I have decided to not take up anymore conveyancing matters.  haha.... and everyone of us are having a very relaxing days in office (bored). hahahaha... well, things hopefully will pick up after this slow economic crisis.
Submission?
Well, I hope you are submitting to God and not man.
- Submission -