Over those years....

Someone said, reconciliation and forgiveness are not easy and when it happens, it has a special meaning and feeling all together.  Well, I still think it's my fault nevertheless... only if I am not sick, things won't be that bad and no one will took a 'wrong' step somewhere along the way.
May be it is the understanding and the application of the law of causation which I choose to apply to what had happen.  But the fact that it's 'caused' by me, I shall therefore take the blame.
I know others have a different opinion on this or may be they too think it's their fault.  It's really question of whether there's chicken or egg first.  I am not arguing. I don't have any rights to argue anyway.
Issues ended, matter talked, things sorted and we love each other more than ever and that's enough. Of all, I acknowledged all the hard work, pain, hardship, tears, actions for the past few years and I really appreciate all these very much.

There are issues which I choose not to look at or ponder over about, but these 2 years has somehow made me ponder over it, some, I somehow managed to face it but others, I will need people to help me to go through it.  Well, let's take it one step at a time then...

- Over those years... -

Never before...., it is now.

I just don't know how to describe my feeling at the moment.  I guess, love is really something powerful.  A simple word and yet, powerful.... is what exactly that gave me a different view of life all over a sudden.  It has been a while.... but indeed, it is great!
I don't think I have ever feel so loved before...
- never before... , it is now.-

Struggles

After a few years of believing and accepting the fact that no one care much and love me (I cannot feel it at least), I lives a life for myself. Putting a few things and people in the list and do what I should, no more, no less.... That's been my kind of life for the past few years. 

People who came around to care, and a word of greeting to me has no different meaning then any strangers whom I met on the streets or the fruit store owners who welcome my presence. Well, in summary.... I am merely living a life without any 'love' felt. A fact I have had accepted. I can't feel love, I cannot feel touched, I cannot feel anything anymore. People who came forward to greet me or call me, I tend to believe that there must be something they want from me. People only come to me to get some benefit. So, I don't say yes or feel compassion to people these days. 

If one needs  nothing, they either pay for it or beg!!!

I didn't realised how much I shut myself and heart down until in the past month, someone keep reminding me I am loved. That open up me to ponder and think of the issue again. I am struggling through in trying to strike the balance of whether to believe or not. Don't get me wrong. I only have issue if being loved. I don't have much issue of loving people and providing needs for others. 

But to find someone who keeps loving me.... Even though I was trying to make them go away, it is really something I don't think I have expected.

Shall I believe or shall I not? I am struggling....

-struggling-