Hard time!

It has been a while since I have been complained by clients for slow services. No. It's not something I handle personally. I gave my staff the job to draft all the loan documents and due to the trials, I was occupied in court room and absent from the office. God knows what my staff did during my absent. Not that there's so much that he can't handle, that's for sure. And after my trials, I was sick and I wasn't really checking on him. He has been slacking for sure. He hold on to a loan offer for almost 3 weeks and it happen that it's very urgent for clients.
I demand for an explanation. He couldn't deliver to me any possible cause except, he's been lazy.  From planning to reward them for their hard works by giving them 2 months' bonus, I have now reduced it to 1 month. From an increment, it has been reduced. I hope I change my mind again by Monday. But for now, I am not convinced.
I put lots of efforts to get clients to give us works but my office has helped me to throw them away. You know how it feels? And yet I have to pay them and worry for them for not being able to meet their daily needs? That's a bit seriously too much isn't it?
Seriously, I don't have many staffs. But I am already stressed out by them. They are seriously giving me hard time.
- Hard time -

Blessed parents!

Suddenly today, I am thinking about my parents.  Over the past few years, ever since I left home for studies until now, I have met many people whom complained about their parents.  At first, I was telling a few friends that my dad had came out with his EPF monies and even to mortgaged the house for my studies.  They were amazed and said, their parents will not do the same.  Then I had few talked about how awful their parents are to them.  I then have friends who told me their parents had committed adultery, parents gone divorced, parents passed away, parents quarrel,  etc.  I too have friend who scolded their parents in front of me and/or being impolite to them while talking on the phone.  I too have friends' parents who asked help from their children rather than the other way round.  I have know friends' parents who can't provides and care for their children.  Those, seriously.... gave me a shock of my life.  I have never come across all these with my parents.
I am seriously blessed to have parents who loves me to the maximum.  Provides and cares and loves me of who I am.  I never consider myself as 'normal'.  But still, my parents loves me of who I am even though I am 'different'.  They still gave me EVERYTHING they have and owned.  They even gave up their face for me. They trust me and believe me 100%.  They always stand on my side.  They respected me.  They love me to the maximum.
I am the blessed one for sure.  Compare to many, I am seriously a blessed daughter. Thanks, dad and mom... !  I love you both!
- Blessed parents! -

Contradiction?

After 2 years ago's incidences, I have started to 'protect' myself from being hurt and/or rejected again.  I know not everyone can accept who I am really.  Everyone bring along a ruler with them and they measure whether I am 'worth' their care and love.  I always try not to do the same and so, even thought people whom I cannot 'accept', I will still love and care.  In fact, I love and care more for those people whom others rejected more.  For the past years, I was taught and learned to take initiative and do more for people I saw who has needs.  I always thought we should demonstrate the love of Christ by our actions.  However, I learned that besides being misunderstood of the 'intention' of mine, nothing I have gained.  In a way, I didn't demonstrates the love of Christ.  Instead, people thought otherwise about me and my action.
After what I was being treated and being misunderstood badly... and at the end being rejected, I started to do what exactly different.  People might think it's because I didn't approach them and that's why they don't take the initiative to approach me either.  Well, that's generally what PEOPLE do.  They push all the blames to me.... for not taking the first step.  Well, I did.  Didn't I sms, make contact, etc? But was what I did being responded? Of course not, instead, I feel the strong sense of 'ignorance and rejections'.  So, I don't do that anymore.  God knows how many sms and emails I sent that never get replied.  People are happier without my existence.  It's once against a confirmation that I am better to be disappeared.  The total ignorance and rejection that once I was told that it's just my imagination, was came to reality.
So, I didn't bother much about contacting people.  I am glad there's people who will look for me ... those, i call them as true friends.  Not like those who just ignored me after i get nut and being unreasonable.  I do have people who are oversea that will occasionally still take the initiative to look for me, called me, etc, even during the most insane and unreasonable time of mine.  They don't 'use' me like those I met few years back.  So, if you are telling me that so and so is having problem and needed help, etc. I will only tell you that everyone has their own problem and they will have to deal with it themselves (I was told the same anyway...).  I am licensed and trained problem solver.  I don't 'help' without getting paid for and/or without getting any 'profit' from it.
Even if one who has not come to know Christ and asked me about Christ.  I will probably tell them, "that's your problem. Not mine.  Go find a way yourself and solve it. ".

Yes.  That's exactly my approach these days.
Yes.  I do know all these are contradicted to the teaching of Jesus.  Oh well, if the church and its people did that on me, ... I don't see any problem with me learning and applying the same to others though. I have learned this lesson deeply.

My dr somehow got a bit 'worried' on me when I told him everything is fine and well.  Knowing that i am coping well so far with the stressful few months now, he expressed his happiness over my 'recovery', but worried because I have had such an experienced with those people.  To a point, he agreed with me now that those people I mentioned earlier on were not my true friends.  Oh well.. like i said, time will tell the truth. :)

Love your neighbour as yourself? Oh well... yes. Just with different methods.  For now, I 'respect' them the way they 'desire' it.  I will not bother... even if they asked for help, I will not help.  Because it's a 'cross they have to bear it themselves'.

- Contradiction? -