Random Thoughts

I have been having random thoughts lately... even in my sleeps... yeah.. dream has came to me ever since I started to take medication.  Yeah... bad dream is one of the side effect of the medication.  Hence, getting a quality sleep is almost impossible these days.... even though I need it. Weird ai? haha...
Well, for the past 2 weeks, I was rushing like crazy for works ... litigation works are really sucks.... and stressful.  I was scare i missed out certain things and didn't manage to file things on time, etc. etc.  Anyway, so far, everything went well, except, more and more cases to be attend.  I was telling one of the people I met that I am free to go for holiday any time... and so, I should... while I can. Yes.  Business is top priority now since I do not have anything else to occupy me.
I have been having lots of thoughts about emotional reliance.  Some people think I was too attached to some people previously and that's why I had certain expectation towards them and so, when expectation not met, I collapsed.  Oh well, no one would really expect their close friends to left them during the hardest moment of their life.  Coping with new things in life, newly found sicknesses, financial burdens, change of job, ... I was completely left having my own self and me alone with the problems.  In a way, I am actually glad to be able to find out they are not really true friends of mine.  But speaking of emotional reliance... I guess everyone of us needs it.  Be it at the time of difficulties or otherwise.  I can't blame anyone for everything happens because as bad as I was affected emotionally and lost of the emotions reliance, I guess everyone was affected emotionally through my emotional disturbance too.  In a way, who are out there who can tell me you are better than me when it comes to dealing with emotions now a day? Trust me, if you were in my position, I guarantee you were worse than me.  By watching the HK series, I realised, that's what exactly I was lack of, suddenly... in a glimpse of eyes... ! I am not losing just one husband or ... just one person in my life. I have lost EVERYONE in my life. All of a sudden, I am, or my emotions are being left empty.  Everyone just telling me, they have more things to do then be my emotional support.  Everyone rather scarify me.  Of course, who am I right? Understood.
I am 37 years this year.  My bank account has less than RM1,000.00 and I have debts more than 450K.  What exactly have I achieved, I asked... none... not even a friend I gained from 37 years of life.  After so many years of serving God faithfully, I was being abandoned completely by church and leaders of the church during the hardest time in my life.  However, someone told me just a while ago, that her dad passed away at the age of 33 and we have exceeded that age now... and we still have 'time' to do more than what he achieved. Of course, we both doubted we can.. hahaha...
How much longer will I lives? I wonder... some of you heard this from me before.  I will make sure I die before I can't walk or insane.  hahaha.. yes.  Since my immune system is getting weaker and weaker each day due to the sicknesses, .... I guess, I need to start to do what I plan to do soon.  I am already walking with clutches now... I better make sure I do the work before I sit on the wheelchair.
Do you know not many people has the privilege to kill themselves?  You don't believe... then you should come and visit my dad... and then you will know exactly what it meant by you are so down that you want to kill yourself and yet you can't ... . and yes, you need the gut too.  How many can put a knife through your body like I did? It brings lots of satisfaction after I did it though... it's like a great achievement.  I am sure not many understand this. haha...
Yup, those were in my thoughts lately.  Oh.. and that includes... how many more months can my firm last? hehe.. after this month... I can't see anything coming in, unless EK has started bringing me businesses. Oh well, ... it's time to pray!
Pray... hmm... that's interesting.  I have been praying for the past 37 years... and why do I have the feeling that it's not helping much? Hmm... interesting.  May be it is just a 'force' to make sure we achieve what we prayed for. haha... I don't know.  I know nothing these days.
- Random thoughts -

Misunderstanding?

If you want to know how I was misunderstood, especially when I was 'emotional'? hehe... you should really watch episode 4 of the new HK series and wonder why she's keep playing the Cello and disregard everyone else's interest, anger, etc.  Everyone misunderstood her ... and that's how exactly I was being misunderstood.  We often being misunderstood no matter how 'well' or 'sane' you are... well, the thing is, no one is being clinically proven that you are sane. hahaha... and everyone has emotional problem.  I used not to be able to even 'FEEL' anything.  But suddenly, I was so irritates and felt so terrible... that's the warning sign I had.  Unable to cope... the FEELING over took my sanity. Man... i was just like watching myself there. I can feel the pain she's feeling too. How did I get well? haha... continue with the HK series, you will know. ...
- misunderstanding? -

How does it feels and looks like?

When my parents first heard from me that i am suffering from depression and anxiety disorder, first thing   they asked was, "how do you?".  A question i wish i can answer. It's so difficult to answer.  I don't think i suffer anxiety recently. For years, i have difficulties in walking in to a shop to buy things i want, even newspaper.  If someone ask me to approach a waiter or to ask someone something, this fear, discomfort will set in.  Hence, i have difficulties even to go out alone or eat alone at a restauran.t. No one seems to believe me. Well, more so, when it comes from a litigation lawyer who has to cope with people, nasty opponent and clients, judges, etc. Only God knows how much struggles i need to get through in everyday's life.
Watching this recent HK series, i am reminded of what sort of emotions i need to deal with last year when i finally broke down without control as the 'help', the 'pillar' and the ONLY comforts i had , i.e.Vanessa and Debbie had not only collapsed, but had put on more for me to go through.  I was telling someone that, chung ka yan in the HK series is much better because she has her dad and uncle with her to give her 100% support and at least they won't force her to do things she can't do or handle. At least no one will shout at her or challenge her emotions to the maximum.
When i saw the scene where she needs time and she ran to the toilet and needed her space.... i was reminded of the days and months i was not only not have my space, but being forced to deal with things i couldn't....and yet, with all these, comes with interrogations, dad's stroke, to accept my own sicknesses, unable to work, finances, being forced to buy over the 1/2 shares of the condo, being left and forgotten by friends (now acquaintance), etc, etc.
Looking back, i am again back to the old me .... to secure myself, i will never put any more steps towards knowing anyone else, i.e. now more new friends, no more reaching out to the others. i wish i have a rich dad that i don't have to work and remain sick. hahaha..
A friend who was the first one discovered that i might be suffering from depression has somehow been checking on me, even without me noticing. i guess technology is what she is good at.... haha... well, amazingly, she always manage to track me, with the right way.... and well, guess she's the one who has made my Austrlia trip ended without flying plane!!! she got my cousin worried i think.  And guess what she is doing now...assigning me to go look and comforts our other friends in Tawau more, says her, because i am not married and i am free. hahaha.... so, she said whenever i am thinking of dying, i should give my friend a call to see if she is alright. Yes, this friend is facing lots more than i am now....that's why.!
Seriously, as much as others trying to know me these days, only a handful of course...less than 5, i too...am trying to know myself more.  It's tougher then reading laws. hahahaha....
So, if you really want to know how i feel? watch the first few episode of this new HK series.. you will get a hint.
- how does it feels and looks like?-