Being misunderstood!

I hates the feeling of being misunderstood and being accused.  Well, I hates people who sided one sided without listening to both sides of the stories.  Be it because I wasn't ready to share or that I think sharing it will cause more problems, i didn't manage to make a few explanation on things that happen to me.  To some level, people have some thoughts about me, which are untrue.  I told one of them, I am caught in a position where if I said, it probably cause a lots of problem to the churches and priests.  If I do not, I am keeping it all to myself and continue to feel oppressed and depressed.  It's weird.  Some people just love to listen to one party and start making judgement on the other party, without proper investigation or listening to both sides.  When didn't I tell the truth? Easy.  They already came with prejudice. No matter what I said, i am already being justified as WRONG.  So, why bother to explain and let others to said I am using that as an 'excuse'? But by keeping it all to myself, it's so hard to deal with... I guess it's human nature that we needs someone to support us .. we call it emotional support.
Well, I wonder those out there know why I ended up wanted to punch Debbie Yong one of the day.  Everyone heard about me punching her and did anyone know what she did to me? Everyone heard about me used a different padlock when she went out for the whole day.  Did anyone knows why I did that and why was that necessary?  Everyone knew I refused to open the door, but did anyone knows why?  Everyone knew I suffer depression, but did anyone knows exactly when was that happen and what's the main reason? Everyone said it's the relationship with Debbie and Van that caused me depressed.  Did anyone manage to find out it wasn't them? I wonder how many really came and sit down and talk to me about it.  All I knew was... everyone just said i lost faith with God and my focus was wrong.  It sounds really ridiculous when it came out from someone who is christian and someone who is from the medical field.  Seriously.... I wonder if anyone ever know whether this is a clinical condition or a spiritual condition? I seriously only heard a bit about what Debbie Yong said about me to the Ma family, which went to the Bishop at the end.  But did anyone knows what she did? Of course no one knows.  Because I didn't talk about it.
"Be strong", "Don't lost focus".  or quoting all the bible verses to me.  Would those help? What helps and what's not? Did anyone try to find out? Of course not. Who de-friended who on FB? Of course I am to blamed at all time.  But was it true?  I just wonder, how many things were said about me are true.  Including me not happy about her being with Gordon Ma? Heard that phrase somewhere from someone, and it shocks me.  Really? I did? Since when?  I am jealous? Since when? What for? To whom? But how many believes her and how many heard that from me really? It's weird.  She is makes it sounds like it's all my fault and she is soooooo rights on everything she did.  Yes.  Blame it on me because I am sick right? I have problem.  Yeah.... are you sure she is not having some problem? Who doesn't have a problem?
I gets so angry to find out even after so many months, some people still think what they heard from Debbie was what exactly happen.  No one ever questions her what she did to me and everyone just believes her and sided her.
You want to know?  Do you really want to know what exactly happen?  If I tell you, are you sure you are going to believe what I said?  Well, after so long, i think everyone already 'punished' me with the judgement in your mind.  I can say this, God is my witness.  One day, you will know what you did to me.  The Lord judge and the Lord punished.  Are you ready? Because I can't wait for the day to come.  God knows the best.  Of all things, the one thing I cannot tolerate the most is 'accusation'.  So, I can't wait to see how you are going to be punished on the judgement day!
- Being misunderstood! -

The worse support ever!

What's the worse support ever from anyone around me? From those I called them as 'close friend', they choose not to believe in me.  For those whom I share things with, they choose not to believe my 'stories'.  For those whom I wish they are around, they just leave me alone. Hmm... it's a good experience though, to be in a situation where I feel, the whole world is against me and I can never find a support in this world. Not from family member, not from close friends, not for anyone in this world.  I guess that's the reason why I am not married.  I will never get those kind of support I needed from a human being and so, why bother to put efforts in a relationship right? Do I need love? I realised, that's not what I am searching all over for.  Not love because I am LOVED.  So loved.  Look at my dad, he even gone into this stage because he loves me.  Without him being in this condition, I think I am still trapped in the thoughts of not being loved. Do I not know God loves me ?  Did I not experienced love from God? Yes.  I do.  So, what exactly bothering  me?  It's being accused and not being believed at.  The SUPPORT itself is gone.  People keeps telling me they love me, but none of them support me of what I am doing.  It's not easy to be a Godly Lawyer.  Desmond used to argue with me that, there's no such thing as godly lawyer.  I remember arguing and telling him, I want to be the first godly lawyer in this world.  Being Godly, is hard... very hard.  And from church, christian to non-christian world, ... showing them and proving to them there's a godly lawyer, will means, proving them in a different standard and expectation.  It's sad to realised not many understand what it means, to be GODLY.  I am not sure if there's anyone out there will call yourself godly doctor or godly pharmacist, or godly accountant or godly streets sweeper.  But, I call myself a godly lawyer since day one I am called to the Bar as a lawyer, for a reason - for Him.
What does a Godly Lawyer do in life? In Church? In Society? Among Christian and non Christian? How many of you understand what sorts of difficulties a Godly Lawyer will face every single day in all these areas of life?  Being lawyer, it's hard enough to find justices and to put a balance in between matters.  There's always about which side has a heavier weight... and not about which sides doesn't have any weight.  The Standard of proof, the burden of proof.... it all leads to what we, human call Justices.  What do a lawyer do when he/she saw an injustices in church? In a christian's life, in a society? What do you think a Godly Lawyer see and do when he/she saw an injustices in church? in a Christian's life and in a Society? No.  I don't think any of you who is reading this understand what I am trying to say here.  None of you understand a single thing what I am going through.  Just because you do not understand, none of you believe me when I said, it is killing me.  You think I am insane.  You think whatever I said is just something about my mind making tricks on me.
Life is suppose to be simple.  That's what you think.  All you need is to grow up, find a job, find a spouse, get married, have kids, bring the kids up, get old and died.  That's probably what a normal lawyer will do too. But not what a Godly Lawyer is going to do.  It's not about finding and be difference.  A Godly lawyer was assigned a duty.  Failing to perform the duty, it will amount to breach of duty (negligence) and if it cause damages to His kingdom, it means, the godly lawyer is liable for negligence.  the godly lawyer doesn't risk that.  when it comes to negligence of course, we needs to look at 'who is our neighbour'.  Well, according to Lord Atkin's definition, everyone around the godly lawyer or anyone whom a godly lawyer can connect with, is the godly lawyer's neighbour.  So, tell me, is this job easy?
Yes.  It is my calling.  It's my burden.  It's my own cross to bear.  It is alright if you do not want to give me a hand or support me in any way, mentally, emotionally, physically or financially.  That's alright.  All I wish is, you do not need to goes against me.  That's all I am asking.  You might not want to help.  So be it.  But you don't need to tell the whole world to goes against me.  I hope you understand that going against me, means, going against God.  If you love God so much as you have always claimed you are, then stop going against me and trying to make me think like you.
If it is too troublesome for you to give me a good support as a friend.  It's alright.  Just leave me alone.  and you don't have tell the whole world not to listens to me, leave me, and said bad things about me and goes against me.  Just walk away... quietly and admit that you can't be my side. That's all.
The worse support ever is not being around.  It's going against me and made it more difficult for me to bear.
- the worse support ever! -

Good vs Like

I walked into the Sessions Court today.  I cannot when was the last time I attended a case in Sessions Court.  First, I met a senior lawyer whom interviewed me during the hardest moment of my life and witnessed how I broke down in tears, etc.  First thing he asked was, how am I doing and whether there's any improvement in my work.  A sincere concern, I can sense that.  And of course he jokingly laughed at me for doing mention in Sessions Court today, after I was 'disappear' for a long while.  Then came another one who saw me and immediately shouted my name in shock and said "hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you for ages".  Then she mentioned that she saw my correspondent letters on conveyancing matters more often than seeing me in court now a day and she is shock because she thinks I should continue to be in litigation as i am good at it.  After the conversation, I really ponder for a long time.... am I really good in litigation? I sucks in a lots of ways and I can tell you I am not a good litigant.  I failed to side my clients sometimes especially when they decided to lie to me and I discovered it. Anyway, it's the litigation matters that I find it hard to handle ... i do not think I can stand stress, the pressures, the emotions, ... man, coping with all those is just too hard.  Everyone is telling me that because I am too responsible at my work and that's why it hits me so bad.  For conveyancing matter, it's short and easy to close deal matters.  And therefore, it's much easier to handle.
It's funny that for the past few years, everyone was telling me to do something I like.  I can you, it doesn't work. Because something I like, is not something I can handle.  I forced myself to do something else, be it something i dislike, because those were the things I can handle.  But I guess people around me don't understand this.  Instead, they have been FORCING me to do something I like, something will bring happiness to me.  Unfortunately, the more the force me to, the more I feel so unsupported and therefore, I fell apart... completely.  I felt no one understands me, no one is supporting me... and I am not here nor there.  I lost my way, and I just collapsed.
No, I love being in court... but I just couldn't handle the stress.  I might have appear very cool in court with my arguments and presentation, but inside me, it's killing, torturing, ... and painful.  After not being in court for 2 years plus now, I realised, I lost almost all my 'friends', those 'brothers and sister at law'.  And how many knows the pain and struggles for not being able to do something I like and yet, have to cope with it? Well, I was just looking for some support and instead of support, of course I am treated otherwise.  Being neglected, being disowned, being rejected COMPLETELY.
So, what now? To do something I am good at or something I like? I am in neither situation.
- Good vs Like -