Denial!

People keep saying I lives in denial.  Yeah, in a way, because I do not want to keep thinking that I am sick and yet I don't feel sick at all.  Those who has been meeting me and seeing all these months can testify how 'normal' I am.  But those who lives in denial are not me, but those who always think I am sick.  I am not sure if they will do the same to those who has high blood pressure.  They treated me differently, they rejected me of who I am just like how they rejected a prostitute, someone who has aids, someone who just released from prison, etc. etc. The denied the fact that they have failed to love everyone like Jesus Christ.  To cover up their failure, they keep lying and lying to a point, they point that lies to me and said, I am the one lying and making things out. You can't believe this happen in a church? I can tell you this is true and I am the victim.
For a year plus, no one from the church called me and asked me how I am doing.  Instead, they called my brother, because he is the priest, everyone knows him and he appear to be the only and eldest son in the family.  He has gained respect because he is the eldest son and he is a priest.  But no one realised what he did to the family.  Those who are closely concern my parents do know how much I did and yet, I didn't ask any help from anyone.  I cope with it.  If you tell others I am suffering from depression, no one will believe you.  Not a soul.  Vivienne Y can testify that.
I didn't manage to attend church with Vui Theng on Saturday night because I was having stomach discomfort.  But I promise myself I will wake up early the next day and attend church service.  I did.  I went and I had a great time worshipping God.  But when the sermon started, I felt so uncomfortable because the preacher was my brother and he preached about sharing and loving each other in a cell group/church.  Ghoosh... sharing and loving each others? Do they love me in Christ Church Likas? How come I feel even more worthless and even more unwelcome and more being rejected? Doesn't love draws people closer? But I feel they all ran away from me already.  And my brother who talks about love? I was telling my mom how irony i was ... and she laughed out loud and said, I should not have gone to a service where he is preaching in the first place.  I told I am not going to any church from now because it makes me feel even more depressed to know church is like this these days.  I missed my church in England.  I missed DUMC in KL.  I need to go back to God.  That's the main point and the only way is, to be closer to God.  Yes, that's the exact problem.  The closer I am to Him, the more I know how bad the church is these days.  I am in no position to judge anyone.  It's only the church and its people that judged me that makes me feel very much annoyed.
I can't even thought of anyone else to call besides Vanessa 2 days ago, after punching pillows for a few times, threw my Swiss knife out of the window, etc., I know I need to call someone.  But the question of, what to talk about always pop out and yes, that's exactly the PROBLEM.  Who can I call and what to tell.  My doctor has realised that asking me 'What Happen' will not render any answer because my sickness, doesn't cause by any 'causes' or 'trigger'.  It's what inside my brain.  Nothing to tell. All he might do, would be ask me how's work, did I play basketball or badminton this week, i.e. just to divert my mind to other things than DEATH.  Vanessa of course keep giving me all sorts of non-sense.  I don't know if i should give thanks to her for finding some topics to talk about or what... but somehow that helped a bit to divert my concentration to other things. Thought, it is hurtful and painful in the heart.  I always told her, she always think she didn't manage to help me, but actually she did it all the time.  Hence, I still call her, even if she raise anger in me, it helped.
Church in denial? Well, let me ask those who claimed I asked or expected too much from them.  What have I ever ask you for? Money? Company? What have I ever ask you for? Do you think I really needs your help to lives and move on? I don't.  My life is perfectly well and good... I am my new car tomorrow.  I am staying at my own condominium.  How many of you have all these? Second car at the age of 37? My own law firm that earns millions? Come on... friends? Do I need a lots of friends? I am born, trained to lives independently.  Ask my mom, she will tell you at the age of 6, I started to hold my house keys and cook, eat and do everything myself.  Do I need company? I don't.  Everyone who is close to me knows that.
Why do I feel worthless and rejected? because I am not just feeling it.  I AM. How much weight does all these worthlessness and rejection influence me? Probably once a month when my brain started to reject positive-ness and came out with negative-ness?  Other days, it has no influence to me at all.
I am not living in denial.  Those people who rejected me are because they can't accept the fact that they haver wrongly judged me.  Why am I so concern about this? hahahaha... just because i am a lawyer and I hates injustice.  Not only hates.  I can't tolerant injustice.  That's why. I will fight this fight until justice is prevail.
- In denial -

The cause...

Many thought i don't go to church these days because i am sick. But the fact is,i am very much discouraged by the church instead. By the church, by the priests and by the members. I lost my faith in God because of the church instead. I gave up...

- the cause...-

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Un-friend vs. Love

During the most difficult time in my life, there are people who has been 'unfriend' to me and there are people who stand by to help.  When expectation were not met, it either brought joy/hope or it brought hurts to me.  By looking at the lists on the 2 previous blog posts, somehow, the hurts feels deeper than the joy / hope.  But by looking at the 2 blog posts again and again, I realised, I don't hates any of them, neither am I angry with them.  In fact, I love them very much still.  ALL of them.  I am just grateful to have those who stand by me and support me to be around.  To be honest, it is more hurtful when i am not being counted and invited into their lives, to share their lives together.... it hurts more when I am unable to love or my love is being denied completely.  I won't know why my love is being turned down.  I will never know.  But i don't regret for loving any of them.  God knows my heart.  Hence, even if I have un-friend them, ... life still goes on.  I am still denied, still hurts, but it's worth to love them still.  

- Un-friend vs. Love -