Released

I have been through a serious of supressing feelings and moods for weeks now as I was "told" all my 'expression' are not welcomed and accepted. Hence, I supressed them ... and finally, yesterday, I was being invited to have a talk tonight to release my 'feelings'. Two weeks ago, I was told and trained to find out if I should follow my feelings... It sounds weird isn't it? Well, seriously.... it does sounds funny but that is what I am suppose to do and have been doing. I have to put all my feelings and thoughts down in a paper and to justify it carefully to see if my feeling is 'correct' or not.

Well, we all know we follow our hearts a lot. But I am told I shouldn't follow what exactly I am feeling. It's seriously, not something easy to do. Well, I am trying every single day to deal with it. The recent tactic is, when I realised I have a super low mood on the day I wake up, I will keep myself at home (unless i need to go to the Court) and to avoid meeting people, to avoid unncessary conflict. It has been for a long while now that I share my 'feelings' to others.... and I am glad, I am INVITED to share my 'feelings'. At the end, my side of the story is told and I am glad..... i am allowed to 'release' my entire 'feelings'.... Finally, my feeling is released.... I am glad.... i am released. It's such a good feelings....

The best thing is, I was also allowed to released my 'anger' .... haha... I am a happy girl after tonight.. hehe...

- Released -

What help?

I know I have written quite a few blogs about what will help me. But, seriously... none was executed by anyone. I have finally facing the fact that my housemate is moving out. No matter how much I want to tell her not to move, her words that other day stucked in my mind and I just didn't get to tell her I want her to stay back. I know she doesn't... because she has told me so and she is feeling in danger by staying on with me. I do care so much about her and her feelings... and I know this whatever happen to me, should be bear by me and not by her, especially when she has signifies that she doesn't want to get involved. So, yup... she is moving out and things will hopefully end here, for her.

I know it won't be an end for me as I will need to fight that fear, that loneliness and those hurts myself here in this apartment. Will I be able to raise up again? Well, I have decided that it shouldn't be her problem. After all, she have made that choice... to leave me alone to deal with it and so, I too, won't force her in helping me out. I have from a good sister, became a friend, and to housemate and now, ex-housemate for her... that's bad enough and I don't wish to become her enemy (I know I already have for her). Wow... anyway...

I went to see my drs few days back. Both agreed that, I am now traped at this 'fear' that was put into when my housemate brought a few people to broke in the apartments, etc. ... and I am in between of that fear... and the fear of being lonely... and I am in between these 2. I found no where to get out from there... and ... it's hard. Trust me.... when it is too hard... bingo... that's what came into mind... "why not just end this by jumping off and end this pain?".

What will help? Being with me and not let me alone? or leave me alone? I seriously, DO NOT KNOW! It's a very contradicted situation.... trust me, I am going to gone crazy just because of this..........

What help? ... I don't know anymore... seriously!

- What help? -

How much do you love?

I wonder how much can one love someone. Over the past few weeks, I really ponder over this issue. Seeing my mother going through grievences because of my dad's condition..., going through that sadness of making certain decision so that someone is not hurt, seeing my dad who loves me so much that caused him to be in the bed these days... I wonder.... whether we understand really what love is. We often think we found love at the happiest moment in our lives... but I have a different experience these days about love. It's at the most difficult time that I realised what love truly is. I realised by now who really loves me... I too realised by now, in what situation that love was shown. Does love only exist at time of happiness?

Well, I am experincing love through time of sadness. I lost my dad because he loves me (and I really thank Him for showing me that he loves me) - he worries about me. Because of my dad, i experienced love from my brother. Because of what I am going through, I experiences loves from relatives and friends whom I seldom get in touch with. Because I do love my ex-housemate, I rather she moves on life happily without me (willingly). Because I do love some of my friends, I have chosen to avoid keeping in touch with them to reduce conflict and as a result, i lost them.

Some people just willing so much to sacrifies themselves to show us how much they love us. At this season, I learned the different meaning of love. A love where not many understand. Love that not many approved.

Just like what Jesus did. Was His death a happy one? Nope. It's a sacrificial one and it's a painful one. No one understand what He did. But all He did was because of love. I wonder, how many out there understand what I am experiencing about love....

Seriously... how much do you love?

- How much do you love? -