Sincere?

It's a few months of difficulties and I am glad I noticed I need help and I asked for help! But instead of helping (trust me, I did specifically told two of them what and how to help me), they did not help much except of course I do know they prayed for me! What the funniest thing is, they keep telling me they are helping me in all area of my needs and when I told them they are not, they told me either of these statements:- (1) that's all I can do, I am sorry... may be you ask someone else to help. I can't reach your expectation. (2) you don't need me, you need Jesus.

This is what and how exactly I feel on these whole matter. My car broke down, i do not have my phone with me. I saw you and I asked you for help. All you did was, to pass me your phone without giving me the number to call. I know you have the number and so I ask you for it and all you said is (1) sorry, that's all I can help u with and you stand there looking at me and you said, you will pray for me; (2) you tells me I don't need you, I need Jesus. That's what I feel exactly for the past few months.

When I listens to the teaching 2 days ago by pastor kong hee when he told us exactly why gospel was banned in China at Emperor Kang Xi time, I agreed completely with what Emperor Kang Xi said, it's the so called devoted Christian themselves made gospel more difficult to be shared. They talked about God but acted like someone who doesn't know the teaching of God and Jesus.

I did not asked help from those who doesn't know God. But suprisingly, during this most difficult times in my life, it's not my Christian friends, church friends that helped me up. It's all my non-beliver friends who did in many ways helped by encouraging me, checking on me, searched the Internet to get me information and materials that will help me, called me, checked on me, scolded me, reminded me to take my meals and medicine, etc.

On the other hand, those I asked help from, they have literally ignored my existence since my ex-housemate moved(such a relief that is). That is exactly why I need her to move. Too many unnecessary stress and problem caused just because I disturbed her time with her lover (I didn't wanna disturb if I don't have to).

Strangely, things are so calm and better after she moved, as if the previous worries they have on me (they always thought I wanna kill myself), suddenly disappear!!!

Well, I only know they all moves on life happily without needing to worry about me. So, I really wonder how sincere they were when they said they do care and wanted to help me.

So, suddenly... No one needs to worry about me and I am ignored completely! How amazing!!

Were they really sincerely care? Of course not. They just very frustrated because I asked help from them and being polite, they 'helped'. But I know now that they only feel obliged. They didn't wanna care much if I didn't ask help from them. My heart broke.... But I know it will be made whole again by Him.

No, I can't pull myself to equally yoke with them in this. So, I made the step. I know this is a new beginning for me in my other chapter of life! I am grateful I had been in difficulties for me to see things in better perspective. I am disappointed and hurt... but what's worse than losing your faith because of this?

-sincere?-

Love?

Many of my friends gave me the same reaction and respond when I told them, I can only logically think they do love me but, I can't feel loved. It is not easy for me to feel love. Well, the caused to be because ever since I was born, my parents wants a boy and when I was born, they didn't prepare a name for me. Thereafter, when I was 3, I almost died because of a fever which was neglected by my parents and everyone else in the house.. for hours.... and of course many more..... Neglection is the main cause I gathered. Something I don't think anyone can take and it's something not everyone has experienced and understand. Since young, the thoughts that my parents love my brother more than I always in my mind. The fact is, they do love him more than they love me. For very simple reason... my brother is smart, he is good in everything and he is a boy. I am not a total opposite. I am someone that worries everyone. I remember my dad helped my brother a lot in one of the art competition and he won the prize. I went home, I told my mom I didn't win any prize because my dad only helped my brother and didn't bother about me.

Those who used to go out with me before would agree with me that, I am not easy to be pleased because whatever they do, I don't seems to feel 'touched' or 'loved'. I guess, it's true. I have not try to love anyone or care for anyone for many many years. Not until someone took the initiative first in loving me. But even that, they all find loving me is hard. Some said, they have done their best and yet, they doesn't seems to reach my expectation. Well, seriously, I don't know whether it is a problem with expectation or whether it is because I have lost the sense of 'love'.

My dad had put a lots of efforts in loving me, unconditionally. He assures me that no matter how many times I failed to acknowledged his love, he will still love me. I wonder what will happen to me if my dad has not taken those efforts. I wonder if I know what love is if it is not because of my dad. And only through that, only I realised and manage to 'feel' the love of Christ. Seriously, even that, i found it so hard to accept. Dad suffered stroke... and i know what he wants to tell me... just because I told him everyone has left me and they hated me because I am sick, he is showing me that even the whole world left me, he is still with me. He is still worry, he is still loving me. Yes. I do know it is me, the worries about me that caused him suffering from the stroke. But on the other hand, he is telling me, he cares and he loves me a lot.

Today is my birthday.... for many days now, that I couldn't pull myself to visit dad in the hospital. Am I losing that love? Am I not wanting to care about him anymore? Am I believing now that, truely, EVERYONE has left me? I feel so painful in my heart... to feels the feelings of not being wanted. Not being welcomed and I am worthless. What will happen when dad is not around?

I looked at him in his eyes... and know that he was crying... because I know he saw me without any expression. I am senseless... once again. It's dad who makes me stay alive... previously and for the past few months.... if dad is no longer here, will I continue to live? Love? Well, I don't think I will ever understand and find any in my whole life.

I do know many people out there sending your love to me and wishing me happy birthday... but I wonder, I really wonder... how many really do care and love me?

- Love? -

Friends?

It's weird where friends seems to be something I cannot have and/or understand ever when I was young. As I read a friend's blog and really jealous about their friendship..., I really ponder for a long while wonder if I do have a friend where I can laugh with, querrel with and spend time with. Nope. I don't. All those I call friend only want me to be a 'happy' me... obviously, that's not easy for me lately as my 'happiness' is gone. But just because I am not being able to be happy, I am excluded in their lives. It's sad to realised this... especially when I needed friends to be around at this time round. Not a soul seems to be able to accept a 'defective' me. I lost them all when I get 'defective'.

Oh well... "friends"? nah... I don't believe there's someone out there is to be called MY 'friend' these day. Nope... not me... it's them who doesn't want to be My friend... I am a 'defective' soul out here.

- Friends? -