Depression ruled!

This is not something I realised. But I guess I did not recover from it and I got severe even though I tried to make sure I am not thinking so negatively on things. Well, with the job things happening (in shock and still shock), I have also at the same time found out friends left me and lied to me and all... and that added on to it.... I seriously failed to see that I have acted weird, acted strange, acted crazily these few weeks. I thought things got better, but nope, it has gone to the most severe stage, i.e. i started not to know what I am doing.

This is a total mental break down. I need to know. I wish someone told me earlier on and not until now. I kept things to myself too much that it only burst, but... it cause people surrounds me and things arounds me also suffering from just being with me. I have tried so much not to get involve with things and people. It's so hard.........people still feels it.....!

I am not sure if I should first deal with myself or I should first decide on my job thingy. All these sudden happening is destroying me greatly! The only help I can think of for immediate solution is God. Lord, where are you? Have I gone really so far from you or I have not seen or feel you? Am I under attack ever since I have decided to go for mission trip? Why all things happen at the same time?

I can't count my friends to be with me because I don't, I seriously do not deserve to be with or being comforted. I have problem. No one wants to be with someone who has problem. Like everyone is telling me, I need to deal with this all by myself. I need to move out before my housemate finds me crazy and caused her hurts and bruses. Believe it or not, I have even pushed her to the wall once after she said something which was very provocative to me. I lost control of myself. It's me who caused all the lies... it's me who make it who I am today. I am the cause. How can I blame it when people doesn't want to go out with me for a movie?

I am serioiusly depressed and this depression is rulling over me!

- Depression ruled! -

Have you?

Strangely, I have never make any 'correct' decision in my whole life. Have you? Hmm... when can the first one come around?

- have you? -

Happiness!

I was chatting with a friend and came to know that she is going to France for 2 weeks in a week time. I got so excited about it until she said, "you are so excited as if you are going too". hahaha.. I guess, that's right... I am so depressed and not happy these few weeks and that I need to get myself going. Nope. Christmas is always a season I look forward to 'celebrate', but it's never a season I look forward to be happy about. With all the stress and decision making and all in my head, the fight with housemate made it severe. Everyone must have thought I am a very free soul around here because I never say I am busy and I always go home before 5pm. You are right, I am happy that I can make that 'decision' to go back by 5pm, but doesn't mean I am not doing work at home nor preparing for trial or hearing. People always thought I can fix in to their diary and agenda because i am always FREE, I guess.... well, I am so sure that I am going to make Caroline angry, but I have no nice word to put... when she asked me to come out with a time for briefing on caroling this week... with so many things in my head, I have to adopt what my housemate always use on me: "What do you want from me?". I thought I am the only one so sensitive on that phrase, but nope, I was wrong. Caroline wasn't happy about that phrase too... and she asked me to forget about whatever she said. She has been cool and patient... she can sense it when I got really pissed off. But, i am sure she is not happy with me.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is, ... nope. I am not happy.... not a single matter that is happening here in my world is making me or the people arounds me happy. A friend suggested I should go to England and play with my nephew and niece on a snowing winter days.........that will probably cheers me. However, I told her that it will only last for less than 10 minutes because no happiness will last forever................

I hate to say this, but.................seriously, that's what I have been trying to do, to capture more happiness than sadness... but every year, I have failed. This year, has been a year full of sadness and depression. I happen to watch House this morning for a while.... and I seriously think, I need to learn from him... to walk in a psychitric centre, take my med - chill pill!

Well, may be I am just too stubborn to accept the fact that, the happy season has gone and it's a past tense now! Stupid me huh? Happiness never last..................never! Why can't I just accept this fact?

- happiness? -