Are you happy?

It's a valid question I think... to ask someone and even to myself from time to time. Well, it's a sermon addressed to us last sunday and a topic we were suppose to discuss in cell group this week. Well, I didn't go to cell this week because I seriously do not know how to answer the question.... wait, no.. it's not I do not know whether I am happy or not, it is obvious... I am not happy, but I just do not know how to solve the problem.

It's the work/job that I have now that I am not happy about. I am not sure how should I put it, but I seriously not satisfied with the pay, and with the amount of works I get. I am basically not paid to stay in the office to look after the firm, but I am doing it for the past few months. I don't see fairness... yes, speaking of lawyer who is performing something/some work/some services without seeing the fairness of it is the most difficult part in life......and/or in this profession.

More so, I am lacking of friends/people arounds me,.... no. I am not saying I do not have a soul besides me. I thank God He provides me with some very close friends, friends which is just a call away.... and friends who will stay and care even though I scolded an got angry on them unreasonably. But ... i am feeling lonely in the office, in work, in court, and even in class.... I am just feeling so .... 'empty' and 'lonely'. Yes... this can be from the heart... but I am feeling it physically too..........!!!!

In terms of ministries in church, I am not happy because I cannot agree with the different views of church leaders on ministries... most of them are concentrating on the 'work' park then ministries.............. said I do not understand and/or that I have a higher standard on ministries... but yes, I am not satisfied with how things are going in church... i am not satisfied on the fact that people are relying on their own understanding then by faith. I cannot understand why people can be so shortsighted in their vision...etc. etc.

I went home for a day and I came to know that I am also not satisfied of being me... at home... I am not satisfied that I am from this family. I am not satisfied that I am not doing good enough as a daughter of my parents.... I am simply not satified and not happy about life.. in general, I think.

With all those financial obligations, life in general and all... if you are asking me whether I am happy, the answer is a straight NO, I AM NOT!

Friends has been reminded me that I am not seeing it because I am not happy with God and I am basically not focuing in Him and my joy is not found.... in Him. Well, perhaps... I am ... I really need time to ponder and recover from this....and try to be happy again.... please do not push me to recover now... I am at a very rebellious stage at the moment.................

- Are you happy? -

Explaination?

While this 'talk' goes on and I was being said that what I did was to make myself feel better and ... I seriously ponder over this ... before I did all that. After I have done it, the answer is a straight forward NO. Simply because I am still feeling regret, sad and unhappy about it. No. I didn't get a good sleep for the past 2 nights either. Not at all... hence, the saying that I am doing it to make myself feel better is somehow not true. Worse still, I am feeling like a failure. Failed to make things clear, failed to convey what I want to say and/or my concern is and I think I have made a wrong impression to the recepient. If you ask me today, besides I managed to ask for forgiveness, I seriously don't feel any better at all. Yes, my emotion is still instable and I seriously need help.

As I was pondering over things and talked about things, I was told of the "E + R = O" reality. Event plus Respond = Outcome. I think I seriously need to learn how to 'respond' so that the outcome will be out correctly. Futhermore, as much as I do not know why and how I reacted the other day, I found out that I was and is stress... and stress makes me stupid. I need a congnitive behavioural approach to move out of primitive brain into rationa brain. I am learning it... even though I know I might not be able to 'graduate' from that, but I am trying my very best...

Again, I am sorry... I will try harder to make it a success.

- Explaination? -

I am sorry!

Yes, it is a phrase of words which doesn't come out of our mouth easily. I always do not know how I should react towards it when one said it to me. When things didn't go well between me and another party, I will not say it, especially when I am of the opinion that it is not my fault. Oh well, I think I forgot, most of the time that, only when we are both see each other's fault that makes the situation as 'conflict'. Oh well, I am seriously sorry for being who I was... I mean it...

There's too many area in my life that needs to be changed and I am confessing it here so that, I do not give myself another reason to 'run away' from my own responsibilities. Yes, there are areas in my life which are taboo... and when it is 'hit' by words and/or action, it will somehow triggled my anger, hurts and unforgiveness. To protect myself, my method usually is to defend myself by hurtful words, by even hurtful action. Action, is the last thing I want to use (yes, I did used that before, but that was before I came to know Christ), but somehow, when I am pushed to the last bit, I would somehow reacted, unintentionally. I cannot recall when was the last time I reacted so badly.... but I was bad enough last night... to a very dear friend and dear sister.

I was totally out of my mind. I was not myself. No. I didn't feel any better after that... not even now. I seriously regret for what I did, what I said, what I did not do, even what I did not say.

Lord, please forgive me.... besides the person whom I am asking forgiveness from, I seriously am asking you, Lord, to forgive me! I am sorry...

I promise you, that I will try harder to make things work.... in me and in this relationship! Give me another chance....

- I am sorry! -