Explaination?

While this 'talk' goes on and I was being said that what I did was to make myself feel better and ... I seriously ponder over this ... before I did all that. After I have done it, the answer is a straight forward NO. Simply because I am still feeling regret, sad and unhappy about it. No. I didn't get a good sleep for the past 2 nights either. Not at all... hence, the saying that I am doing it to make myself feel better is somehow not true. Worse still, I am feeling like a failure. Failed to make things clear, failed to convey what I want to say and/or my concern is and I think I have made a wrong impression to the recepient. If you ask me today, besides I managed to ask for forgiveness, I seriously don't feel any better at all. Yes, my emotion is still instable and I seriously need help.

As I was pondering over things and talked about things, I was told of the "E + R = O" reality. Event plus Respond = Outcome. I think I seriously need to learn how to 'respond' so that the outcome will be out correctly. Futhermore, as much as I do not know why and how I reacted the other day, I found out that I was and is stress... and stress makes me stupid. I need a congnitive behavioural approach to move out of primitive brain into rationa brain. I am learning it... even though I know I might not be able to 'graduate' from that, but I am trying my very best...

Again, I am sorry... I will try harder to make it a success.

- Explaination? -

I am sorry!

Yes, it is a phrase of words which doesn't come out of our mouth easily. I always do not know how I should react towards it when one said it to me. When things didn't go well between me and another party, I will not say it, especially when I am of the opinion that it is not my fault. Oh well, I think I forgot, most of the time that, only when we are both see each other's fault that makes the situation as 'conflict'. Oh well, I am seriously sorry for being who I was... I mean it...

There's too many area in my life that needs to be changed and I am confessing it here so that, I do not give myself another reason to 'run away' from my own responsibilities. Yes, there are areas in my life which are taboo... and when it is 'hit' by words and/or action, it will somehow triggled my anger, hurts and unforgiveness. To protect myself, my method usually is to defend myself by hurtful words, by even hurtful action. Action, is the last thing I want to use (yes, I did used that before, but that was before I came to know Christ), but somehow, when I am pushed to the last bit, I would somehow reacted, unintentionally. I cannot recall when was the last time I reacted so badly.... but I was bad enough last night... to a very dear friend and dear sister.

I was totally out of my mind. I was not myself. No. I didn't feel any better after that... not even now. I seriously regret for what I did, what I said, what I did not do, even what I did not say.

Lord, please forgive me.... besides the person whom I am asking forgiveness from, I seriously am asking you, Lord, to forgive me! I am sorry...

I promise you, that I will try harder to make things work.... in me and in this relationship! Give me another chance....

- I am sorry! -

Whose?

I am doing some part time teaching recently ... and my students consist of those who are very good law background to those who has none and some, the can understand what I want to tell them very easily (and they said i am too slow in my teaching) and some, they couldn't understand anything at all (they said I am too fast in my teaching) and it is so hard to put a balance and cater the needs of both groups. Hence, I am basically not pleasing anyone at all... in fact, I am causing both of the groups to 'suffer' and I am seriously not feeling good about it. However, I do expect that the weaker group can do more efforts in their readings, in their research and all and the stronger group will be able to just relax and try to find MORE cases and all in support of their argument. Somehow, it's seriously.... not about what a teacher can do becaues it seems like, the problem lies on the student, their ability to capture what they need to.

In the same way, in church... our spiritual level is also different from each other and worse still, we have different needs, different age groups and different background of the people. Besides the gospel and the salvation, I would think, it is hard for the preacher to come up with something which can cater for the needs of everyone on sunday. I think somehow, one will have to put their own efforts into getting MORE if one thinks the sermons/preaching is not enough for themselves... It's just too hard for the preacher to preach on a sermon to cater for everyone's need... don't you think?

I am not sure... may be we should be the one doing the 'research' if we think we wants more...

- Whose? -