Mood for Christmas!

Christmas always associates with fun, smiles, happiness and gift giving, etc. etc. Ever since I was young, as I was raised by christian parents and was staying in the church compound, I do know, Christmas is all about Jesus. His coming.. to be exact and it's time for us to be reminded of being happy and celebrate as this is the only reason we can be happy about.

Ever since I was young, I was always assigned to take part in drama, singing and any other programmes which the church and/or the inter-church has organised. Oh well, ... when I grew older, I was even given task to organise christmas event.... and so, it has been like this all these years until I came to Kota Kinabalu. hehehe... a place where no one knows me... (love it!) ... and of course also because I always try to escape by going back to Tawau for Christmas! hehe...

Ever since I came back from England, mood about Christmas changed. Somehow... I am still finding for the cause of all these seriously... most probably too many things happen during Christmas season over the years that I finally cannot take it anymore. Hence, I have never have a good Christmas ever since I am back from England. I don't even know what sorts of christmas I wish to have. To be alone? To be with friends? To be with parents? Away from KK? Awasy from Malaysia? Away from home? Feast or not? BBQ? Roast Turkey? Roast Lamb? What exactly will make me have a good and joyous Christmas? The worse part is.... this unhappy feelings will last until new year is over...

So... ya... even though I am going home this Christmas and I can't wait to go home, but to think of it... it will be another lonely and sad christmas. No, not that it's meaningless... just lonely and sad one... I hope!

Hmm...

- mood for Christmas! -

Spirit of rejection?

It was a conversation I had with a friend few weeks back that somehow, I told her that I have the sense of rejection lately... from everybody, everyone, anyone.... whom I know and whom I did not know, someone whom I sees as important and also those who are not important. I seriously do not mind not being known. But... somehow, people remembers me... not because of who I am, but of how good I can be 'used'. Well... as I mention earlier, I don't really mind being used because most of the time, I am WILLING to be used. But the 'after-feeling' that really haunt me terribly... because besides and after I was being 'used'... to fulfil whatever they wish and/or intended to 'use' me for, they just dump me aside.... let me be alone and do not even bother what I like, what I want, etc. etc. Well... I guess I am just feeling lonely huh?

Well, seriously.... I thought it is too... but I guess it is MORE than loneliness... I think my past has somehow haunted me... and yes, just when I thought I found some exceptions to it, those people just failed me... and hence, again, I am back... and the spirit of rejection is again back.... !

Hai... well, what can I say? I am just who I am... and I am as 'useful' as before, that's all. So? Who didn't want to use me if they can and dump me when they are ready to huh?

- spirit of rejection? -

The Blessed one!

Ever since I was young, I have the impression that I am the "pity" one.... well, let me tell you why. It's all because everybody besides me are better than me.. in terms of wealth, in terms of wisdom, in terms of talents, in terms of beauty, just EVERYTHING! My life has not been have any 'improvement' all these years though and hence, I always tell myself to accept the fact. That my life will not be any better anyway and I should just feel contented with my life. Well, don't get me wrong. I do... and I have always did. When thoughts otherwise came, somehow, God reminded me again and again....

Yes. I do not have the wealth in the earth as much as many arounds me have... but I am still better then the one who almost being adjudicate bankrupt this morning in court (I am sure there's at least 200 of them, in Malaysia alone...).

Yes. I do not have the wisdom many has. I never own an A in ALL my exams... but I am an advocate and solicitor today.

Yes. I do not have the many talents others has, but I do have some talents which no one has too.

Yes. I do not have a rich dad in monetary terms, but I do have one who is rich spiritually.

Yes. I do not have the love of my life YET, but I do have a wonderful family. There's no divorces, bad family members in my family. No one can imagine how close we are to each other... not only within our family, but we are close among our relatives.

Oh well... what else can I say if I didn't declare that I am the blessed one? hehehe...

- the Blessed one! -