Thoughts? Worries? Getting organised?

I wasn't able to go into sleep last night and the whole night, I woke up at least 3 times and I even look at the toy next to me and play with it for a while. I wonder what bothers me. First, was the thought of a friend who passed away recently, images of her when she was little until she was youth, and when she left Tawau to study in Australia, all flashes back.... like a story book. Then, my mind rested on a file, thought of a few points for trial in March 2009 and trust me, I was as clear as I was awake... as it took about hours and I remember still, on what point I need to do research about. It was suppose to be a cold evening as it was raining heavily until 1/4 of the roads at Kota Kinabalu were flooded, but somehow, I felt hot... and my aircon was switched to 22 degree from 25. I didn't have enough sleep... I thought... but no, I woke up this morning full of energy despite the flu and sore throat I got.

I came into office (I was on road for 45 minutes due to the rain and floods), worked like crazy and also managed to billed some people. Which is great! Now that it is 3pm, I am feeling a bit tired... I guess, I am leaving this office at 4pm.

Oh well... trust me, I used last night's time to work too.. and I skipped lunch.. so, leaving an hour earlier is NOTHING...

- thoughts? worries? getting orgnised? -

Better or worse?

Today is my nephew first day to attend school. I suggested my parents to give my brother a call to see how all thing goes but just before we call, my brother called... and told us, that his son was doing very well. He was left there with new friends and teacher, or rather what they called, 'strangers' the whole morning. My dad said, that should be the case as one generation should be better than the previous generation. Oh well, I am sure we all agree to that.. and hopefully, the next generation is better than our generation.

My parents sent me to the airport just a while ago and during the 45 minutes journey, I observed that, those plants besides the roadside has changed a lot, from Koko plants, it has now, 90% being occupied by Oil Palm trees. I suddenly remember an experience I experienced when I was in Primary 5 where the teacher asked someone in the class to go downstairs to bring up a papaya tree. That someone went down but came up with nothing and only then the teacher reaslise, he doesn't know how a papaya tree looks like. That was the first time I realise, not everyone knows how does some trees looks like. So as, how does a chicken looks like before it was slaughter. Well...

As I was on my journey to the airport just now, that's the thing I am wondering on my little nephew. Of how much he would know of the trees that grows fruits that he is eating these days. hahaha... So, yes... better or worse?

- better or worse? -

The past...

I am not very sure if it's because of the dreams I had last night/this morning that caused me to feel very insufficient, failure, down or anything along that line. But well, I do feel upset and down for the past 2 days, especially when I was called to stand up as a cell leader to be commissioned for the coming year's 'duty'. I feel that I am a failure. Yes. Ultimately a total failure. I have failed in bringing the rest under my care to know Him better. I have failed to unite them, I have failed in being 'active' and have 'compassion' towards people other than those under my care. I have seriously failed as a leader. As a lawyer, I am even worse. Not only failed, but strucked down to the point I have difficulties in picking upself to stand in front of many people. Well, due to my ignorance, my non-active character and/or my inability, I have somehow, failed to helped a few of my clients to get what they want and I feel deeply upset about this. Everything that's suppose to be good has turned out to be bad and everything bad initially has turned out to be worse under my supervision and duty. I feel down and upset. Well, I shall make 2008 a past... a history that will not be repeated again in future. What was done, was done... ended and I shall not pick them up and hurt myself again...

Hence, I decided to take my devotion again on My Utmost For His Highest... because I want to put Him first in everything I do - my best to His glory!

I was deeply challenged by the 1 January devotional passage and today... on 2 January, I am again being challenged... "of going out for Christ without knowing where I will be going... " All I need to do is to trust Him... an "sounds good" command but a difficult task. The passage has somehow brought me back to the day when I was so much convicted that He wants me to study law without knowing why and without having the ability and wisdom for it. ... I was told once again this morning, of my future, the one that I do not know where I will be going. ... I must say, I have been worried about my future in the year 2008 because I do not know where will I be going.... and whether I have food, whether I am healthy and whether this and that.... and yet, by the end of 2008, all I have was... 'worry' and nothing else. This year, I just want to trust in the Lord and His providence. Hence, I want to put 'worry' aside... and start trust Him to the fullest...

Yes... not that I didn't trust Him last year. Not the action that's in question, but the quantum of it... I just want to trust Him MORE this year!!!!

Perhaps, you too? ... in everything you do!!!

- the past -