Love v. Compassion

Definition:

love

• noun 1 an intense feeling of deep affection. 2 a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. 3 a great interest and pleasure in something. 4 a person or thing that one loves. 5 (in tennis, squash, etc.) a score of zero. apparently from the phrase play for love (i.e. the love of the game, not for money).
• verb 1 feel love for. 2 like very much. 3 loving showing love or great care.

compassion
• noun sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
— ORIGIN Latin, from compati ‘suffer with’.

I was talking to a friend last night and since we have not been updating our current news with each other, she asked how I am doing, or rather, she asked if things improved at my end. I told her I am still struggles with the financial issues and I am about to 'die' (cannot sustain anymore). The only thing she said was that I'll be fine as I am 'strong' and 'tough' enough to handle all situation (like I am all weather kind of person). I asked if that's the reason why I was not being loved and not being cared for all these while. She gave me this answer: All those around me love me a lot just that they do not show their compassion doesn't mean they don't love it.

Somehow this phrase has brought my mind to wander on another existing issue. I seldom show compassion to others and when I do to one or two persons in particular, the rest would feel threaten or shall I say, uneasy. Unfair is the word they will use against me. Often, I have received such comment and I wonder if things like that happen to others too and strangely, NO. The answer NO is for a few reasons, in particular, it's because the person is not compassionate to anyone at all and or the person has been showing compassionate to EVERYONE. I, happen to be the one who is compassionate towards some selected one and that's why I am distributing my love 'unfairly'.

unfair
• adjective not based on or showing fairness; unjust.

May be I am. May be it all started with people treated me unfairly in the beginning that has caused me to be who I am today. I am not asking for anything. I am just telling the world that there's no fairness in this world and I am trying to show fairness even though I know it is impossible. After all, I am just one soul with one physical body. I might not be showing my compassion to you but please ... I do love you all. That's the fact!

Meanwhile, I too... need someone to show me some compassions too... !

- love v. compassion -

Trusting ...

It's either me or the market, but everything seems slow arounds me. Besides some bad news which were quite disturbing lately, I received no good news to spices up my life. For many times, I wonder what is going with my life and which part, when did it went wrong. I came in office with the will to finish all the unfinished works but yet, I am sitting here doing something else after I finished one matter and for the rest of the day, I slack through the day...

I am not a person who would love this kind of life. I can't lives feeling contented with unproductivity in life. Hence, I have been searching for something more 'challenging' to fill my life since then but somehow I guess God is challenging me to be patience. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have no works to do or no business coming in. Somehow all clients choose not to pay me on the date I expect them to.

Have I lose sight of His promises I asked. What promise are we talking about? Since when I lose sight of that promise? I have been asking the same questions again and again... for the past few months and I am seriously feeling 'tired' with trusting and believing... where there's no sign that things are going to be better soon. A friend however reminded me that, I should not give up now but to continue to trust and obey. She's right. I should.

Thought: No matter how strong I was in faith in Him, no matter how many times I went through difficult paths with Him in the past and experienced His providence and blessing at the end, somehow, this lesson at this season is rather new to me. May be I am getting a little bit older and I have been experiencing a better life for a year plus and that I have forgotten how to trust Him fully. It's not easy though...

-trusting -

Thoughts!

It's the issue of my future that bothers me lately. It was the career opportunity that I stepped foot at this piece of land. However, things changed and direction lost. For a few months, I have been thinking why am I here for. I am not getting pay a monthly salary and I just feel future is insecure and I worried every single day of how I can survive the next moment. I thought it might be good to join a firm as Legal Assistant and with that, at least I will be paid a monthly salary and life should be good then. However, after I had a meeting with 2 of the senior lawyers few weeks back, I seriously not sure if that's a correct move. The very senior lawyer is having problem finding a job somewhere else as she is very experienced and her pay is high. For her, the only solution is to open her own firm if she wants to get out from her present firm. The monthy pay won't be increasing after it reaches 5K to 6K unless you open your own firm and get businesses in. That's the reality. So, for me to get back to become Legal Assistant, I wonder if things will be the same after a few years later. i.e. I have to come out and start my own firm.

I can't see the point of all these. Yes. I lost the direction. If I start a firm, it's a long term committment. It won't be easy. I will have to 'fight' for things all by myself. I suddenly feel that I will be 'tired' 'fighting' alone. There's no meaning at all. What's the ultimate goal of all? Not that I enjoy my life so much as a lawyer. May be I should start looking for something else to do. May be my initial plan was good. To open a bookshop and having a small law firm next to it. hahaha...

I am seriously bothered... may be it all started with not having a stable income every month?

- thoughts -