Funny...

I received 4 copies of Grant of Probate on my table this morning. I am suppose to receive 5 copies but I only receive 4. I know the court always mess up things. I don't blame them all. I know all of them are busy. What I really received this morning was 4 copies of each of the 3 documents but yet, I only received 3 complete sets and 1 set without one of the document("B") and have 3 extra on another document("C"). So, I asked my colleague to go back to the court with the extra document C and asked for another set of document B.

When I got back from lunch and after meeting client, one of my colleague told me there's this lady called from the High Court wasn't sound happy. I answered the phone call. The moment I picked up and said 'hello' (yes, I do say "hello" to all the formal calls), she keeps asking why I made her life difficult and why am I sending back document C to her, bla bla bla... for a while. I tried to explain but she was full of confidence thinking that what she knew is sufficient enough to make me say "I am wrong". For a moment of silent, only then I manage to put my words forward to her. I told her, I received extra document C and I wonder if it should be in her file instead of mine. And I requested one set of document B only from her. She took about 2 minutes to check the file and only then she admitted that she has made a mistake and said "OK, ask your office boy to come back to see me", I said thank you and hanged up.

For a moment I just ponder over people's attitudes... and I wonder, if I was the one who was at fault in the first place - by sending my colleague to bring the document back to her. She didn't even apologise on whatever words she put on me earlier and she didn't even thank me for sending back her copies to her.

People is funny... that's what I can gather for now... and I seriously having problem dealing with people.

- funny -

Hurt...

After cell group last night, I wonder for a moment what is pain and suffering means... and while I was pondering, something happen that really hurts and so I wonder if they are related somehow. I am sure you can understand that the pain and suffering we talked about was about what we feel and suffer when we bear the cross of Christ and it has nothing to do in particular with the hurts that I am going through.

I searched for the word "hurt" this morning and this is what the Oxfort Dictionary states:

hurt

• verb (past and past part. hurt) 1 cause or feel physical pain or injury. 2 cause or feel mental pain or distress.

• noun injury or pain; harm.

— ORIGIN Old French hurter ‘to strike’.

I can quite comfirm that I am suffering from a mental pain or distress and it strike me deep over a few things. I am seriously hurt.

- hurt -

Expectation!

I have been bothered by people's expectation all these while but things got worse lately as I have failed to acknowledged some sort of 'expectation' from others towards me. I hate words that was indirect and yet was clear to my conscience. I don't know how I should put it but I can tell you, it hurts. It literally means 'failure' to me. These few months, I have just failed to lives a life as someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend, someone's cousins, someone's aunty, someone's colleague and someone's cell leader. I am feeling that I have failed to be me.

Yet, to my suprise, I am feeling comfortable somehow to be at where I am now (may be for a while). I have started my 'defence' by withdrawing myself out from the 'normal' me. i.e. withdrawing myself to be gather with people I always gather with, withdrawing myself from caring for that certain people, withdrawing myself from doing things I used to do, etc. etc. (If you haven't realise yet, I will withdraw myself from all these if you keep hurting me with words, action, etc. ) It's FUN to be able to gather with new people and new things, talking on different topics and let others to care for me instead of caring for others.

However, without realising, due to my selfishness, I have somehow caused others to think that I don't really bother about what I bothered before. People started to feel dejected by my actions and yet, no one ever try to ask me why I am doing this. It's an expectation that people 'set' on me. They expect me to be ME like always before for ever and ever and I will be happy. Somehow, I feel pressured by people's expectation on me. If you remember, I hate unnecessary stress and when I said I HATE it, I mean I will react against it (could also include no reaction towards it at all) when you impose it on me.

Some people just know what they should do to make me draw closer to them and some people, just failed to see the point and some, they have tried, but it got worse. I guess, some people just got it right and most just got me feel not only tired with it, but withdrawing myself to continue to associate with him/her.

Anyhow, I do appreciate those who has been around me for the past few months, the toughest moment of my life. It's a process that I don't know if many would understand. It was tough and it was scary. You have 'saved' me just before I commit 'suicide'. I thank you for you patience, your tolerant, your understanding, your love and care, your sacrifies, etc. etc. You just happen to me the 'angle' of my life. Thank you...

- expectation -