Expectation!

I have been bothered by people's expectation all these while but things got worse lately as I have failed to acknowledged some sort of 'expectation' from others towards me. I hate words that was indirect and yet was clear to my conscience. I don't know how I should put it but I can tell you, it hurts. It literally means 'failure' to me. These few months, I have just failed to lives a life as someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend, someone's cousins, someone's aunty, someone's colleague and someone's cell leader. I am feeling that I have failed to be me.

Yet, to my suprise, I am feeling comfortable somehow to be at where I am now (may be for a while). I have started my 'defence' by withdrawing myself out from the 'normal' me. i.e. withdrawing myself to be gather with people I always gather with, withdrawing myself from caring for that certain people, withdrawing myself from doing things I used to do, etc. etc. (If you haven't realise yet, I will withdraw myself from all these if you keep hurting me with words, action, etc. ) It's FUN to be able to gather with new people and new things, talking on different topics and let others to care for me instead of caring for others.

However, without realising, due to my selfishness, I have somehow caused others to think that I don't really bother about what I bothered before. People started to feel dejected by my actions and yet, no one ever try to ask me why I am doing this. It's an expectation that people 'set' on me. They expect me to be ME like always before for ever and ever and I will be happy. Somehow, I feel pressured by people's expectation on me. If you remember, I hate unnecessary stress and when I said I HATE it, I mean I will react against it (could also include no reaction towards it at all) when you impose it on me.

Some people just know what they should do to make me draw closer to them and some people, just failed to see the point and some, they have tried, but it got worse. I guess, some people just got it right and most just got me feel not only tired with it, but withdrawing myself to continue to associate with him/her.

Anyhow, I do appreciate those who has been around me for the past few months, the toughest moment of my life. It's a process that I don't know if many would understand. It was tough and it was scary. You have 'saved' me just before I commit 'suicide'. I thank you for you patience, your tolerant, your understanding, your love and care, your sacrifies, etc. etc. You just happen to me the 'angle' of my life. Thank you...

- expectation -

This week...

Since I will only have my Chinese New Year leave starting on 6th afternoon, I really feel 'lazy' to work this week. Came in to office and trying to sort out my phone bill and other thing and a few matters came up which need my attention. Sorted most of it by now and that's why I am here, posting 'something'. The thing about law profession is that, matters won't stop and we, the lawyer, cannot just take leave and go for holiday. It's so impossible to take a long period holiday and to be safe, now a day, I can only make sure that my holiday is secure by booking on the public holidays and trust me, even that, clients will call me on public holiday.

I can't remember when was it started, but I have this mentality lately, that if I do not have any works on that particular day, I will just treat it as my holiday. I'll try to relax and do my own things on that day. However, if it is so happen that I need to 'work' on weekend or public holiday, I will work. So, my working hours will never stop and my rest day also is never fixed.

Today, my colleague and I plan to go around some clients' office to wish them have a Happy Chinese New Year and also giving them some oranges and after that, might drop by my uncle's place to pass him some documents. So... today's mission is to go 'kai kai' ....

- this week -

Lawyer....

Went to lunch with 3 accountants and one of them were telling us that there's this client called the office this morning asking to see a particular person but the person he wanted to see was absent from work today, so... she conveyed the information to the client. It seems like the client didn't want to accept the fact and he start shouting and even threaten to destroy the report if he didn't get to talk to the person NOW. And accordingly, he hanged the phone. After she told us the story, we gathered that, all clients are weird, inconsiderate and always love to threaten us.

In order to contribute to the ‘joke’ we had, I told them what happen to me on last Friday.

I noticed that an Order has been extracted from the High Court placed on my table when I entered my room and as normal, I took the file and check on every details. We have done the work on this file for this client for the past 8 months and though I thought it will be stuck somewhere months ago, but the Judge granted to me what I want on my last hearing nevertheless. I looked at the file, checking on whether I have left out something and before I call him, I realize he has not paid my bill yet. Before I billed him, I did told him that in order for me to try not to get this matter stuck somewhere, I do need to file in another application and that will cost an additional fees and he did know that.

I called him right after I confirmed the amount to be collected and without feeling grateful, he scolded me instead when I called him on Friday. For about 10 minutes, I really asked myself if I should be getting all that from him. I was happy managed getting the Order for him, but he doesn’t seem happy about it. He scolded me for about 20 minutes first on the fees and the bill, secondly on how I deal with him, etc. I seriously cannot recall any time that he came to my office and meet me. From the moment he called me, I have been collecting all the documents and so on from him from his house and yet, when he scolded me for my ‘service’ and ‘efficiency’, I was furious. I let him talk whatever he feels like talking for about 10 minutes and when he stopped, I started mine for about 10 minutes. I was seriously offended and as I spoke, I stand up from where I was and shouted at him. He asked therefore to refer to my previous letter and he said he will call back. I hanged the phone and when I walked out from my room, my colleagues were looking at me and asked what happen. I told them, they said I did a good job. 5 minutes later, he called back and apologizing and he asked if I can deliver the Order and the original documents to him immediately. I told him I will try to make it today, but otherwise, I will go there on Monday morning. (FYI, I went this morning instead as I couldn’t locate him when I left office on Friday).

******
Due to electricity cut off, my boss came in to my place to chat for a while. He was asking me when I am going back to Tawau for Chinese New Year… and here’s another story of mine…

******

I arrived office about 10 this morning after I delivered the marked examination papers to the college (was told that I’ll be paid for marking papers, how nice!) and delivered the documents to my client. I saw this paper on my table and I noticed there’s this ‘Notice of Hearing’ on my tray. I looked at the date without knowing which case it is and the date appeared to be 06th day of February 2008. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I read again on the second copy and see if it’s really 06 and not 05. It IS 06th day of February 2008. Only about 3 weeks ago I have decided to go back to Tawau for Chinese New Year and I had decided to go back on the evening of 5th February instead but… a court case is now fixed on 6th day of February 2008. I used to be very ‘emotional’ on sudden movement in my life, but after an incident, I have learned a lesson and therefore, I sat down, do my other works and didn’t bother about this matter for a while. Just before it reached lunch time, I called MAS to check how much I need to pay in the event if I changed the date, etc. Yes… I am going back Tawau on 6th afternoon instead …. My friend said I can still make it for steam chicken. Hahahahaha….

As there’s no electricity, I shall therefore go to get my ticket done…

- lawyer -